An Alabama man says he felt blessed when X-rays revealed
a mysterious 8-inch growth in his brain that was the spitting
image of Jesus.
However, his rejoicing was shortlived. Doctors say the tumor
is malignant, leaving him just 4-6 weeks to revel in the glory
of his medical miracle.
"The Good Lord works in mysterious ways," said
Larry Holiday, an unemployed church janitor. "Who am
I to question the almighty divine holy creator in the sky?"
Holiday said he plans to auction the tumor, posthumously,
on eBay to provide for his family and dreams of reaping $5,000
for the sacred carinoma.
"I heard a man got $700 for a dang grilled-cheese Jesus,"
he said. "So I figure to make a bundle. Lord willing."
However, analysts say the sluggish economy has depressed
the market for items and surfaces bearing the image of Christ,
including baked potatoes, wallpaper stains and puppy fur.
One expert, though, believes the Holiday tumor could be the
savior of the hard-hit Jesus iconography industry.
"I've seen the Big Guy's face in cauliflower, rutabagas,
floor boards, tree bark, rocks, pie crust, vomit. You name
it," said Bethlehem University jesusologist Fred Cross.
"But this tumor, this is the biggest thing since the
beatific Cheeto of Luxembourg."
Jesus of Nazareth could not be reached for comment.
Henry Winkler, best known for playing hoodlum Arthur Fonzarelli
on the 1970s sitcom "Happy Days," has allegedly
swindled millions from his former cast mates in what police
are calling a full-blown Hollywood "Fonzie scheme."
Sources say Winkler/Fonzarelli used his roguish charm to
con his victims, often deflecting questions about their investments
by giving them the thumbs up and assuring them that everything
was "cool."
Anson Williams, who portrayed the dim-witted Potsie, reportedly
handed over his entire $1.6 million savings when Fonzarelli
simply looked at him and said, "Aaaaaay."
Oscar-winning
filmmaker Ron Howard also lost his shirt in the Fonzie scheme,
and actor Scott Baio lost his pants. Also duped were a husband
and wife identified in the federal indictment as "Mr.
and Mrs. C."
Donny Most, who played wise-cracking Ralph Malph back in
happier days, was also among those bilked by Winkler/Fonzarelli.
Said Most, "I assumed he could make stock-market fortunes
by just snapping his fingers."
Winkler/Fonzarelli, who was apprehended at Arnold's Drive-in
in Milwaukee wearing an Armani leather jacket and driving a $150,000 Claudio Castiglioni MV Agusta F4 motorcycle, denied any
knowledge of the Fonzie scheme.
Fox News has announced that Alan Colmes will soon leave his
post as liberal co-host of "Hannity & Colmes."
As Fox decides whether to simply rename the show "Hannity
and More Hannity," one contender to replace Colmes is
tough-guy media pundit Frankie Goldchains, a former mob hit
man, rat and underworld consultant.
Sean, you ignorant schmuck! This here is Frankie Goldchains!!
Yeah, too bad about your boy Colmes. I heard he busted up
your little "Hannity & Colmes" sorority party.
So I'm taking Colmes' old job, see.
I got you figured out, Hannity. Right-wing pretty boy. …
You talk a big game, but I bet you got a glass jaw.
Day after Colmes leaves, I'm in your face like a frickin'
left-wing cage fighter. Bada-BOOM! Bada-BING! And don't expect
me to be some limp, lefty punching bag like old Colmesy there.
You smug millionaire gasbag. I'll smack that frickin' grin
off your makeup-caked piehole.
Fair and balanced, yeah right. You unbalanced fairy.
I'm gonna come down there … debate the crap outta you.
No more "Hannity & Colmes." From now on its
"Hannity & Goldchains," see. Wait, I got a new
name for you, Pinhead -- "Goldchains & Hannity"
!!!
If you love to hate Barack Obama, but don't know where to
turn now that 65 million Americans have cast their vote for
his bright, passionately expressed vision for our nation's
future, I have four letters for you -- WTKK (96.9 FM, Boston).
There, right-wing talk radio host Jay Severin exercised his
freedom of speech by playing a snippet of Obama's moving election-night
speech and offering this response to the president-elect:
"Go screw yourself."
This patriotic fellow's stated aim is "to politically
destroy Barack Obama ... to undermine and destroy his political
ability to govern or to have any hope of a successful administration."
Mr. Severin praises his listeners as "the best and brightest,"
while washing their brains with white noise about the boogie
man's love of socialism and terrorism. He smugly demeans Obama
supporters as "the young and otherwise ignorant."
His station bills itself as "Boston's Talk Evolution."
Sadly, my commute does not coincide with Mr. Severin's air
time. So to feed my curiosity about the media's de-evolution,
I instead subject myself to small doses of his colleague,
comedian Michael Graham, whose best punch line is calling
his program "The Natural Truth."
Echoing
the newest right-wing yakking point, Mr. Graham's post-election
shtick is to pretend he is being censored and oppressed by
"our liberal overlords."
Imploring listeners to "join the resistance," he
proclaimed that "talk radio is under assault." Now
that our totalitarian "dear leader" has assumed
power, Mr. Graham lamented, he can no longer utter the middle
name of "Barack You-Know-Who Obama."
Of course, he can say "Barack Hussein Obama" till
he's blue in the face. America still isn't falling for the
Muslim terrorist sympathizer routine.
On Friday, one of the Mr. Graham's first callers picked up
on his rhetoric about Obama's plan to help young people afford
college in exchange for military or community service. The
caller said the plan reminded her of Hitler youth in Nazi
Germany. Guess who plays Hitler in this scenario. (Clue: His
middle name is Hussein.)
That's
"The Natural Truth" for you -- America oppressed
by the evil Obama.
The "fair and balanced" crowd is sounding the alarm
that Obama and his godless, elite, liberal cronies are bent
on reinstituting something called the Fairness Doctrine, which
scares the right with language intended to hold extremists
on both sides accountable for their most egregious smears,
However, since Mr. Obama holds our Constitution in higher
regard than our current president, it is unlikely he would
tolerate restrictions on freedom of speech.
If anything, Obama's election is regarded as a boon to right-wing
talk radio. Now that he is in power, efforts to demonize him
-- or "politically destroy" him as Mr. Severin puts
it -- will be even more financially lucrative.
These self-styled mini-Rush Limbaughs are smart operators.
They figure the unimpeded flow of anti-Obama effluent is what
keeps them in a higher tax bracket than you, me and Joe the
Plumber.
* * * * *
Note: I invite defenders of Mr. Severin and Mr. Graham to
respond, but please understand that I am unequivocally against
censoring them or anyone else.
Also, thank you in advance for reminding me that I can change
the channel. Mr. Best & Brightest and Mr. Natural Truth
purport to facilitate a public discourse; I am simply responding
to their offer in a way that expresses my thoughts more fully
than would be possible on the radio.
New evidence has emerged linking Republican presidential
nominee John McCain with Canadian-based McCain Foods, the
world's leading producer of French fries.
A
group calling itself McCain Lovers For Obama has released
an anti-McCain attack ad charging that Sen. McCain is "in
the pocket of Big Potato," having taken billions from
"the Potato-Industrial Complex."
The ad features two iconic blue-collar voters, Joe Lunch-Bucket
and Tommy Twelve-Pack, discussing their love for McCain while
savoring a plate of McCain crinkle cut French fries.
The ad then blatantly attempts to "Swift Potato"
Sen. McCain with unsubstantiated "Tater-Gate" allegations.
Saying
America needs a spunky, virile leader to get its flaccid economy
back on top, 1996 Republican presidential nominee Bob Dole
announced today he is taking another crack at the White House.
“The economy’s shootin’
blanks,” said Bob Dole. “America needs a stiff dose
of Bob Dole.”
Pledging to “stick
it to the special interests,” Dole said he is counting
on support from “schwing voters” who may be suffering
from “electoral dysfunction.”
Watch
Bob Dole lay out his platform for what he is calling “the
biggest erection of our time.”
John McCain for the last eight years has been "palling
around" with a man who nearly destroyed the United States
of America during his deadly reign of error, the mainstream
media has learned.
Emerging evidence links the Republican nominee with notorious
right-wing error kingpin Abu Dubya, whose international and
domestic malfeasance has harmed millions and cost taxpayers
trillions.
Pundits say McCain's close ties to Dubya, described as a
high-ranking member of the Bush-Cheney Underground, could
hurt him in his quest for the White House. Behind in the polls
and reeling from the nation's economic meltdown, McCain has
tried to distance himself from Dubya but has never repudiated
him.
Now McCain strategists have alerted the media they're suspending
discussion of the country's severe economic woes to focus
their full attention on smearing Sen. Obama.
Rather than think up some way to help millions of Amercians
gripped by economic distress, McCain dispatched co-maverick
VP pitbull Sarah Palin to stink up the campaign trail with
claims that Sen. Barack Obama "pals around with terrorists."
In addition to wielding Weather Underground radical William
Ayers as a weapon against Obama (who has denounced Ayers'
actions as "detestable"), the McCain camp is said
to possess footage of Obama's former pastor saying, "God
damn America."
Several days before gearing up the Swift Boat Express for
a fresh assault on Main Street, Gov. Palin, insisted at the
Oct. 2 vice presidential debate that Sen. McCain's past connections
to Abu Dubya should be off-limits.
"Say it ain't so, Joe, there you go again. … Now
doggone it, let's look ahead," urged Palin, who said
she wants "a little bit of reality from Wasilla Main
Street there, brought to Washington, D.C."
Sources
say Palin plans to introduce a series of homespun new policies
such as the Church-State United Act and No Joe Sixpack Left
Behind.
However, the Obama camp says McCain's relationship with the
enigmatic Dubya is not only relevant but "dangerous."
McCain aggressively campaigned to block Dubya's rise to power
in early 2000, but abruptly flip-flopped that May and was
soon photographed hugging the powerful error syndicate leader.
Critics say McCain helped advance the virulent Abu Dubya
economic ideology that brought the American financial sector
to its knees.
Abu Dubya also claims responsibility for:
-- spiking the pre-9/11 intelligence briefing "Bin Laden
determined to attack in U.S."
-- worsening the impact of a hurricane that wiped out a major
American city.
-- invading Iraq without provocation.
-- stealing billions from taxpayers and giving it to cronies.
Gov. Palin's bid to distract attention from the McCain-Dubya
connection includes a probe into whether she fired Alaska's
public safety commissioner because he refused to dismiss a
state trooper who was Palin's ex-brother-in-law.
Palin said that if she is "so blessed" to be elected,
she hopes to expand the power of the vice presidency to fire
U.S. attorneys, "activist judges" and maybe a couple
member of Congress.
Palin also assured the American people that, once elected,
she "wouldn't blink" on matters of "wiretappin',
toleratin' gays and getting' rid of that pesky women's right
to choose."
Gov. Sarah Palin delivered a debate-night wakeup call to
all those elite, East Coast liberal, pro-Obama, anti-Main
Street, mainstream media jackals who say a Joe Six Pack hockey
mom can't be president.
She's the spunky, lunch-bucket, maverick, moose-carvin',
Putin-huntin', pitbull America never knew it was waiting for.
Palin erased all doubt about her ability to awkwardly infuse
McCain-Bush talking points with a brisk Alaska breeze. Cleverly
adopting the disarming verbal strategy of an eager student
trying to stretch two pages of material into a 10-page report,
she peppered her homespun spin with W-esque presidential folksiness.
Even when bombarded with "gotcha" questions by
moderator Gwen Ifill, a card-carrying lefty according to the
right, Palin effortlessly summoned seemingly random strings
of words to underscore her refreshing lack of knowledge and
experience.
She frequently projected a nervous energy that is perfectly
normal for someone inexplicably thrust onto the presidential
stage by a candidate whose judgment tells him -- during this
near perfect storm of national crises -- to name the Wasilla
Wonder his, God forbid, possible successor as leader of the
free world.
"How long have I been at this, like five weeks?"
she said, reassuring the American public that she understands
the economic crisis is "a toxic mess, really, on Main
Street that's affecting Wall Street."
She also scolded her opponent, Sen. Joe Biden of Delaware,
for suggesting that the destructive policies of the yet-to-expire
Bush administration, along with John McCain's pledge to continue
most of them, were somehow relevant to the election.
"Say it ain't so, Joe, there you go again pointing backwards
again. You preferenced your whole comment with the Bush administration.
Now doggone it, let's look ahead," said Palin.
"Americans are craving that straight talk," she
said, conjuring up such incisive rhetoric as, "we'll
do what we have to do to administer very appropriately the
plans that are needed for this nation."
And this curvy straight talk on global warming: "I'm
not one to attribute every man -- activity of man to the changes
in the climate. There is something to be said also for man's
activities, but also for the cyclical temperature changes
on our planet." That's sure to resonate with the "puzzled"
demographic.
Palin achieved her goal of saying the word "maverick"
at least six times. But Biden countered with nine reverse
kitchen-table "mavericks."
However, as expected, Biden's performance included several
of his signature gaffes.
Number one: He kept saying, "That's number one. Number
two…"
Number two: He dared make the unpatriotic suggestion that
"the last eight years, we've been dug into a very deep
hole here at home with regard to our economy, and abroad in
terms of our credibility. And there's a need for fundamental
change in our economic philosophy, as well as our foreign
policy."
Biden also said something about McCain having debated Harry
Truman. However, he did call upon Churchillian reservoirs
of diplomacy to resist telling his opponent she was full of
Bullwinkle.
Though super slo-mo revealed that Palin blinked on at least several occasions, she did reassure millions of gay Americans that she is “tolerant” of them and said that, despite her opposition to Roe v. Wade, she’ll be a champion of “women’s rights.” She also reminded the millions of Americans praying for a near-term end to the Iraq war that they’re pledging allegiance to the “white flag of surrender.”
After
the debate, CNN dispelled fears of an anti-Palin media by
deploying a team of pundits to lavish praise upon the smart, but blatantly underqualified possible future president.
Sen. John McCain's dramatic decision Wednesday to suspend
his presidential campaign to rescue American voters from economic
doom is already reaping dividends -- it is decreasing likelihood
of an economically disastrous McCain presidency.
With his poll numbers plummeting, the "economic"
situation was so urgent that McCain canceled a taping with
David Letterman, probably an even bigger strategic blunder
than admitting Tuesday that he had not yet read the three-page
bailout proposal.
After praising McCain for his courage and heroism during
the Vietnam War, Letterman tortured the Republican nominee
with blunt comic instruments.
"You don't suspend your campaign," was Letterman's
machine-gun refrain. "Are we suspending it because there's
an economic crisis or because the poll numbers are sliding?"
Letterman said McCain phoned in to cancel with some excuse
about having to jet down to Washington to save the economy.
Then the late-night host pulled a "this just in"
and showed video of McCain down the street taping an interview
with Katie Couric.
"This just gets uglier and uglier," said Letterman,
who pretended to yell to McCain offering him a ride to the
airport.
"This doesn't smell right. This isn't the way a tested
hero behaves," Letterman had said earlier. "I think
someone's putting something in his Metamucil."
Letterman also skewered McCain's media quarantine of running
mate Sarah Palin, saying that if McCain feels he's needed
in Washington he should simply call upon his "second-string
quarterback" to lead the campaign. What's the problem,
he asked. "Where is she?"
Letterman's nightly Top 10 List also mocked McCain with these
"Top 10 questions people are asking the McCain campaign":
#10:
I just contributed to your campaign -- how do I get a refund?
#8: Can't you solve this by selling some of your homes?
#6: Do you still think the fundamentals of our economy are
strong, genius?
#5: Are you doing all this just to get out of going on Letterman?
"First of all, the road to the White House runs through
me," Letterman reminded.
"What are you going to do if you're elected and things
get tough? Suspend being president? We've got a guy like that
now!" the late-night jokkernaut continued.
"Do you think he'll ever come back?" Letterman
asked sidekick Paul Shaffer.
"Not after the drubbing that you've just delivered."
Steven Colbert offered his customary ironic support of the
Republican, pointing out that when you're president you've
got to suspend a lot of things: "Habeas Corpus,"
for example.
And noted stand-up comic Sen. Chris Dodd, Democratic chairman
of the Senate Banking Committee, said McCain's gambit looks
like "more of a rescue plan for John McCain and not a
rescue plan for the economy."
McCain's rescue plan may have begun with an 8:30 Wednesday
morning call from the Obama camp proposing a calm joint statement
on the economic situation. Perhaps fearing that Obama might
be credited with reaching out, McCain went commando.
According to reports, he finally returned Obama's call at
2:30 p.m. and agreed to issue a joint statement. But moments
later he was announcing the suspension of his campaign and
challenging Obama to do the same. No word yet if McCain will
arrive at his Capitol Hill crisis-op by parachute.
He also proposed postponing his inevitable dismantling in
Friday's presidential debate, prompting Obama to respond,
"This is exactly the time the American people need to
hear from the person who in approximately 40 days will be
responsible for dealing with this mess."
Now, just as his campaign's strategic use of dishonesty has
begun to draw more media attention, McCain is taking blows
from the left and right charging blatant political opportunism
and just plain erratic behavior.
However,
McCain said there is no need to worry because the fundamentals
of his campaign are strong.
Noted
billionaire Thurston Howell III of "Gilligan's Island"
fame has thrown his support behind Sen. John MCain for president.
A Harvard-educated, East Coast elitist, Mr. Howell cited
Sen. McCain's pledge to continue President Bush's tax cuts
for the wealthiest 1 percent and said he feared Sen. Barack
Obama's "mumbo jumbo" about alternative energy "could
cost me billions in oil revenue."
"McCain is a Navy man," said. Mr. Howell. "After
what he's been through, this little Wall Street meltdown doesn't
scare John McCain. And believe me, I know about spending years
as a prisoner being tormented by tedious companions."
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie plan to adopt a child from each
of the nations of the Pacific Rim, according to the underground
newspaper Brangelina Today.
The Pitt-Jolie child-raising dynamo intends to go alphabetically
starting with Brunei, Cambodia, Chile and Colombia and ending
some time in 2012 with Taiwan, Thailand and Vietnam -- averaging
seven per year as they expand their brood from six children
to a whopping 32.
"I sure hope Brad doesn't end up banging the Vietnamese
child like Woody Allen did," said Jolie. "Maybe
we'll adopt a boy from Hanoi."
While technically part of the Pacific Rim, the two intend
not to adopt from Australia, Russia, Canada or the United
States because those don't sound like poor countries. Pitt
was recently overheard discussing the duo's parenthood plan
with pal George Clooney on the set of "Ocean's Whatever."
"What kid wouldn't be psyched about getting yanked out
of a festering pisshole like North Korea and being raised
in luxury by movie-star parents," he said. "And
by parents, of course, I mean a team of nannies."
Brangelina's own biological children will not receive special
treatment. "Each will receive the Lamborghini of their
choice on their 16th birthday and have a teaching hospital
bearing their name in their country of origin," said
a source close to Jolie's lip stylist.
Mom to Shiloh, Knox and Vivienne (biological) Maddox, Pax
and Zahara (adopted), the gorgeous Golden Global U.N. Goodwill
ambassador is eager to expand her mini melting pot.
And the Rumor Gazette has obtained a list of possible names
for upcoming adoptees, including: Oskar, Tats, Floyd, Lara
Croft, Mombassa, Thelma, Wheezy, Rusty and Smitty.
Also,
Pitt and Jolie may or may not be in negotiations to film a
reality TV show called "The Brangy Bunch."
A spokesman for Kim Jong-il would neither confirm nor deny
rumors that the enigmatic North Korean dictator may be dead,
incapacitated from a stroke, or simply recovering from one
of his legendary cognac benders.
However, ESPN reports the longtime Axis of Evil honcho has
torn his anterior cruciate ligament and could be sidelined
for the entire 2008-09 terror campaign. Still other reports
suggest he could be afflicted with pancreatic vapors, red
lung, cardiac dragons or curvature of the liver.
Questions about Kim's health arose last week when he failed
to attend the nation's 60th anniversary military parade, despite
his well-documented love of choreographed goose-stepping.
Sources say Kim was slated to hold one of the strings guiding
an enormous SpongeBob SquarePants balloon along the downtown
Pyongyang parade route.
North
Korean state media called reports about Kim's ill health "a
western conspiracy" and "not fair and balanced."
But there are unconfirmed reports that Kim also missed the
weekly tea party he throws for his beloved parakeets.
The health concerns have sparked uncertainty about the leadership
picture in North Korea, where Kim -- much like U.S. President
George W. Bush -- inherited the job from his dad.
Little is known about the diminutive (5' 3") leader,
who is rarely seen in public without his trademark platform
shoes, old-school Commie jumpsuits and pompadour hairstyle.
Known to friends as "KJ" and "The Donger,"
Kim rules under an official state ideology called "Juche,"
which translates roughly as "starvation and brainwashing."
Each year, to demonstrate his benevolence, Kim gives every
family three packets of Ramen noodles and a Kim Jong-il action
figure.
His
birth in 1942 was said to be foretold by a mud dauber wasp.
Kim, who has a reputation as a cognac-guzzling playboy, claims
to have had steamy trysts with Angelina Jolie, Queen Elizabeth
and Sally Struthers. However, he denies any romantic involvement
with Bill O'Reilly or North Korean Pam Anderson impersonator
Bam Sanderson. Friends say he spends hours on Match.com trolling
for his "Seoul mate."
He is said to enjoy long walks on the beach and cognac-fueled
picnics with 12-year-old Japanese girls kidnapped by his aides.
His hobbies include needlepoint, human-rights abuse and shooting
off his missiles.
Kim, regarded as part immortal by his subjects, claims to
have invented the hyperbaric chamber, Kentucky Fried Chicken
and parts of the Internet. A seventh-degree black belt in
golf, he reports hitting 11 holes-in-one the first time he
played.
His
favorite foods are lobster thermidor, Rice Krispies and lollipops,
and he enjoys playing American parlor games such as Yahtzee,
Battleship and Gnip Gnop.
By
John Breneman
By
John Breneman
Oscar-winning
filmmaker Ron Howard also lost his shirt in the Fonzie scheme,
and actor Scott Baio lost his pants. Also duped were a husband
and wife identified in the federal indictment as "Mr.
and Mrs. C."
By
John Breneman
Echoing
the newest right-wing yakking point, Mr. Graham's post-election
shtick is to pretend he is being censored and oppressed by
"our liberal overlords." 
That's
"The Natural Truth" for you -- America oppressed
by the evil Obama. 
A
group calling itself McCain Lovers For Obama has released
an anti-McCain attack ad charging that Sen. McCain is "in
the pocket of Big Potato," having taken billions from
"the Potato-Industrial Complex." 
By
John Breneman
Sources
say Palin plans to introduce a series of homespun new policies
such as the Church-State United Act and No Joe Sixpack Left
Behind.
Negative
ad links McCain, Hussein
By
John Breneman
After
the debate, CNN dispelled fears of an anti-Palin media by
deploying a team of pundits to lavish praise upon the smart, but blatantly underqualified possible future president. 
By
John Breneman
By
Chris Elliott and John Breneman
Also,
Pitt and Jolie may or may not be in negotiations to film a
reality TV show called "The Brangy Bunch." 
By
John Breneman
North
Korean state media called reports about Kim's ill health "a
western conspiracy" and "not fair and balanced."
But there are unconfirmed reports that Kim also missed the
weekly tea party he throws for his beloved parakeets.
His
birth in 1942 was said to be foretold by a mud dauber wasp.
Kim, who has a reputation as a cognac-guzzling playboy, claims
to have had steamy trysts with Angelina Jolie, Queen Elizabeth
and Sally Struthers. However, he denies any romantic involvement
with Bill O'Reilly or North Korean Pam Anderson impersonator
Bam Sanderson. Friends say he spends hours on Match.com trolling
for his "Seoul mate."
His
favorite foods are lobster thermidor, Rice Krispies and lollipops,
and he enjoys playing American parlor games such as Yahtzee,
Battleship and Gnip Gnop.