Bin Laden audiotape available
soon on CD
Osama bin Laden made a mysterious appearance on the Home
Shopping Network last night and announced that he is slashing
prices on his vast inventory of duct tape.
Intelligence experts say the voice is definitely that of
bin Laden, a fact confirmed by sophisticated audio analysis
and his repeated use of the word "friggin'."
Bin Laden also spent time hawking his latest audiotape, also
available on CD, with special bonus tracks of the bearded
baritone terrorist remaking the classic Elvis hits "Hate
Me Tender" and "Blue Suede Combat Boots."
Meanwhile, the National Enquirer reports it has startling
new evidence linking bin Laden with Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein
and pop singer Britney Spears.
The Enquirer also ran an exclusive report stating bin Laden
was recently abducted by aliens and returned to Earth sporting
giant lobster claws where his hands used to be.
Also, a Herald source inside the Pentagon said the wily terrorist
may have eluded capture by hooking up with fugitive Boston
mobster James "Whitey" Bulger.
President Bush announced that since the U.S. cannot locate
bin Laden, military leaders are expanding the list of possible
ways to kill Saddam Hussein to include the following:
-- Gangsta drive-by.
-- Cement shoes.
-- Hot dogs treated with Grey Poupon mustard gas.
-- Or, have cheating husband killer Clara Harris run over
him with her Mercedes.
The president said today he is giving Hussein one last chance
to disarm, and declared if he does not disarm voluntarily,
"We will rip his friggin' arms right off of his shoulders
and replace them with lobster claws."
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