Where's Whitey?

By John Breneman

The FBI would neither confirm nor deny it will try to lure Whitey Bulger out of hiding today by throwing a fake party for his 77th birthday. In this version of the old fake-lottery scam, the fugitive shows up to collect his presents and -- wham -- he's busted for 18 or 20 murders by agents in clown suits.

But Bulger's too smart for those FBI clowns. Since Whitey went ghost in 1994, he's been "spotted" in almost every state and dozens of countries spanning every continent but Antarctica -- thanks to a $1 million federal bounty on wa the Pale One's scalp.

Whether eyeballed in Bali, recognized in Reykjavik or stared at in Stuttgart, Whitey remains at large -- and larger than life. Jack Nicholson is stoked to channel the Hub gangster's signature blend of stone-cold ruthlessness and sexual deviance in a new movie called "The Departed" -- a delightfully blood-drenched Boston mafia caper also starring Matt Damon, Mark Wahlberg, Leonardo DiCaprio and Martin Sheen. Sources say Whitey may try to sneak a cameo sporting his now-famous white Red Sox cap, dark sunglasses look.

But he still can't shake being linked to Osama bin Laden on all those most-wanted posters. Both men are sought by the U.S. government in connection with a reign of terror, and both have been abetted by the U.S. government (Bulger receiving FBI protection and bin Laden arms in Afghanistan in the '80s) in connection with a reign of terror.

Word is, Whitey's ripped that the Islamo-whatever terror boss rates $25 million in reward dough to his lousy $1 mil. But hey, he's eluded justice for way longer than the tall, turbaned head of the Tora Bora Hill Gang (heckuva a job, Whitey). Come to think of it, maybe President Bush would have better luck smoking Whitey out dead or alive.

It won't be easy, though, because Bulger -- a master of disguise with steely blue eyes -- uses an assortment of aliases. Whitey is not the man's only aka, OK? To throw authorities off his trail, Whitey sometimes switches over to Blackie.

Imaginary sources say he also goes by Whitey Ford, James Brown, Red Buttons and Mr. Pink. In Acapulco he is known as Senor Blanco. But a word of warning: Don't call him "Tighty Whitey" or he is likely to strangle you with a pair of mens undershorts.

Today, James Joseph Bulger shares a birthday with that fellow paragon of moral virtue Charlie Sheen, 41, and prominent Hub merchant and "bargain basement" inventor Edward Albert Filene (1860-1937).

But the million-dollar question remains. Where's Whitey?

Some say he is probably masquerading as a retired college president or distinguished ex-legislator. Others say he's the reputed kingpin of a Tuesday night bingo syndicate in St. Petersburg. And there are still others who swear they saw him performing in the Blue Man Group in Las Vegas in 2004.

You've heard the rumors (they count as rumors if I make 'em up, right?) -- the aging gangster has replaced ex-cronies Stephen "The Rifleman" Flemmi and "Cadillac Frank" Salemme with geriatric bruisers named "The Salad Shooter" and "Minivan Fred."

Meanwhile, the Whitey sightings continue to pile up. I saw Whitey Bulger drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic's. His hair was perfect. No wait, that wasn't him. Or was it?

Cause you know he's out there somewhere. A source close to Whitey's agent said he plans to celebrate by jamming a big knife into his birthday cake (vanilla with vanilla frosting), playing pin the tail on Sal Mineo and taking a tire iron to the head of some poor pinata.

---

JonBenet sicko linked to Pee-Wee Herman

By John Breneman

Authorities say John Mark Karr, confessed non-killer of 6-year-old beauty queen JonBenet Ramsey, has now implicated himself in the Natalee Holloway case, a Fallujah terror bombing and the disappearance of Jimmy Hoffa.

The spooky-looking Karr, a natural-born weirdo who suffers from a rare form of attention deficit disorder, has also claimed responsibility for visiting a Thai sex-change clinic, fathering Britney Spears' second child and a kidnapping scam involving Paris Hilton's pet monkey.

"Yeah, that's it. That's the ticket," said Karr, adding that he used to be married to Morgan Fairchild and is a distant cousin of Pee-Wee Herman.

Karr denied any connection to the Valerie Plame leak, U.S. intelligence failures in Iraq or the administration's sluggish response to Hurricane Katrina - but then quickly recanted, saying he was to blame. Then he asked if he could have another nifty free airplane ride with champagne, roast duck and shrimp cocktail.

Though his DNA ruled him out in the Ramsey slaying, authorities are still investigating Karr's claim that he is the bastard son of Shirley Temple's love child.

---

Bush declares fartwa on Iran

By John Breneman

President Bush today declared a massive fartwa on Iran and said he wouldn't hesitate to use military flatulence as he cracks down on the "asses of evil." He also announced a new plan to "smoke out" Osama bin Laden with bunker-busting stinkbombs.

Now that the president's love of farting and fart jokes has been exposed by U.S. News & World Report, the Humor Gazette has learned that he also enjoys giving noogies to foreign dignitaries and watching Dick Cheney kick liberals in the groin.

President Bush, according to White House proctologist Dr. Fred Cheeks, believes in the "He who smelt it dealt it" doctrine in the war on Islamoflatulism. Praise the Lord and pass the mustard gas.

To ease international tension at the recent G-8 summit, where he groped German Chancellor Angela Merkel and gave Tony Blair a wedgie, Bush pranked puzzled foreign leaders with whoopie cushions and fake poo. Bush kept himself from getting bored by repeatedly putting his right hand under his left armpit, flapping his left arm to make farty noises and then pointing at the nearest red-faced dignitary.

Iranian President Mahmoud "Stinky" Ahmadinejad issued a statement calling Bush "a juvenile chucklehead," but the president's response was swift and incisive. "I know you are, but what am I?" he said, adding, "Heh heh."

Related stories:
President 'punked' press, public with Iraq gag -- April 1, 2005

---

Homeland Security cracks down on snakes

By John Breneman

Due to heightened Internet and media chatter about a plot involving some "(mother-fangin') snakes on a (mother-fangin') plane," the Department of Homeland Security today raised the Reptile Terror Alert Level to red.

Fortunately, Oscar-nominated badass Samuel L. Jackson reportedly has the mother-fangin' situation under control and is getting medieval on the mother-fangin' serpents in theaters across the nation.

The FBI is probing possible links to the Monty Python humor cell and the rumored presence of a uraniumhead yellow snake from Niger.

Federal officials slithered into action, mandating that all male passengers be vigorously frisked to determine if they are concealing anything that resembles a small or medium-size snake.

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice was shocked, saying, "I don't think anyone could have predicted those people would use (mother-fangin') snakes on a (mother-fangin') plane as a weapon."

Several leading Republicans accused the Democrats of being weak in the war on snakism and the media has made sure no American goes more than 11 minutes without hearing the words "snakes on a plane."

Related story:
Acorn plot linked to squirrel terrorists -- Oct. 7, 2005

Consult your Homeland Security Horoscope

---

Hamsters banned from commercial flights

By John Breneman

The Transportation Security Administration today announced new airline security restrictions in the wake of the British plot to blow up planes with soda pop and baby formula. Officials are also investigating a terror scheme involving hamsters rigged with explosives and an Islamofascist gecko.

Passengers will no longer be able to carry on the following liquids: Nitroglycerin, goat milk, chicken soup, barrels of crude oil, urine samples, Chateau Lafite Rothschild, moist towelettes and triple lo-fat mocha latte frappuccino. Other banned liquids include Newman's Own Islamic Vinaigrette Dressing and excess saliva or perspiration.

Also prohibited from the passenger compartment: Pez dispensers, toy assault rifles, cellular and rotary phones, Match-Lite charcoal briquettes, canned goods, frozen steaks, stink bombs, pinking shears, kilos of cocaine, Ninja death stars and most hand grenades.

Also: Acetylene torches, PVC tubing, night-vision goggles, deep-sea diving apparatus, fake passports, cucumbers wrapped in tin foil, Ronco bottle and jar cutters, moth balls, Preparation H, subversive literature, acorns, pointy sticks, hollow chocolate Easter bunnies, Hummel figurines, Elmer's glue and Mel Gibson.

Related stories:
IMPORTANT: Air travel safety tips

Fake obit: Abu Musab al-Zarqawi -- June 9, 2006

Al Qaeda's #2 man is cowardly piece of dung -- Aug. 5, 2005

London attack heightens worldwide hatred
of spineless terrorist jerks -- July 8, 2005

Suicide bombers get cold feet, call in sick -- June 6, 2005

---

Bush fails second doping test

By John Breneman

Now that a second test has confirmed that his blood contained high levels of artificial testosterone, President Bush faces the possibility he could be stripped of his cherished "World's Greatest President" belt buckle.

Today's disclosure by the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency also raises new questions about his controversial 2004 victory over rival bicycling pantload John Kerry.

Bush has long denied the use of performance-enhancing drugs, saying he quit back in 1986 when he gave up the booze and blow. But experts believe there is widespread cheating at the highest levels of geopolitical competition.

For example, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is said to be hooked on a cocktail of steroids, opium-laced hashish and camel growth hormone; Kim Jong Il on Viagra and Courvoisier. Hezbollah boss Hassan Nasrallah has a wicked crystal meth habit and Saddam Hussein was a mustard gas freak.

Sources say Bush is fixing to challenge Ahmadinejad and Nasrallah to a no-holds-barred, Texas-style mountain bike race.

Related stories:
Bonds rages against steroid allegations -- March 8, 2006

Incredible Hulk implicated in steroid probe -- March 18, 2005

Canseco claims he did steroids with Bush -- Feb. 14, 2005

Santa Claus denies use of steroids -- Dec. 25, 2004

Steroids infiltrating Washington, Wall St.

---

Romney apologizes for anti-tar baby rhetoric

By John Breneman

Clarifying his politically sticky use of the term "tar baby" in a July 29 speech in Iowa, Gov. Mitt Romney said he had no idea the term was racially insensitive.

Romney issued a heartfelt apology to all tar babies, crack babies and test-tube babies, as well as the NAACP and the lesser-known NAATB.

He said he never meant to offend fans of the legendary Uncle Remus story about Brer Rabbit, Brer Fox and the Tar Baby by linking them to his state's $14.6 billion Big Dig highway black hole.

Meanwhile, aides have advised Romney that next time he needs a metaphor likening the bureaucratically grotesque, and now deadly Big Dig to a "sticky situation," he would be better off using a more PC term such as "duct-tape baby" or "epoxy baby."

Romney, widely regarded as one of the whitest white dudes of all-time, has been criticized as a clueless "blue blood" by local black leaders. He's also been called a "punk" by the rapper Tar Daddy.

Romney denied reports that he angrily declared, "Tar babies are responsible for all the wars in the world!" But polls show 81 percent of voters believe he WOULD eagerly make such a statement if he believed it would help him get to the White House.

Related stories:
Why "Tar Baby" Is Such a Sticky Phrase -- Aug. 1, 2006 (Time)

Romney: The next president -- March 29, 2006 (By Chris Elliott)

---

Gibson agrees to F-bomb cease-fire

By John Breneman

Simmering tensions in a strife-torn region of Mel Gibson's brain erupted in violence on Friday, when the drunken Hollywood hatemonger renewed his offensive against Israel while peppering police with a barrage of F-bombs.

The Oscar winner and Hezbollah spokesman agreed to a cease-fire and apologized for soiling himself with anti-Semitic bile while being stopped for drunk driving in Malibu.

He issued a statement apologizing for being a "despicable" jackass and blaming his intense hatred of Jews on booze. Gibson assured fans that his obligatory rehab stint will not affect production of his new film, "Jews Are Responsible For All the Wars in the World."

He also announced plans to shoot "Lethal Weapon 5" in Israel, promising lots of explosions, side-splitting gratuitous violence and plenty of "collateral damage." Joe Pesci will play a wisecracking suicide bomber and Rene Russo is on board as Lt. Sugar Tits.

Sobriety tests revealed the actor's blood-asshole level was way over the limit, but Gibson reportedly will not be charged with lewd behavior for telling the bewildered cop, "I'm going to (bleep) you."

A spokesman denied reports that Stark Raving Mad Max tried to bribe his way out of the jam by offering the cops cameos in his epic about the final days of Adolf Hitler, "The Passion of the Fuhrer."

Gibson, who is set to play an Islamofascist Archie Bunker in the dark comedy "Allah in the Family," reportedly has several more religious-themed films in various stages of development, including "Schindler's Grocery List" (subtitled, with all dialogue spoken in an obscure 12th-century form of pig Latin) and the nonviolent Hindu comedy "Weekend at Gandhi's."

Related story:
Jesus Christ, box-office superstar, in ...
"Lethal Whippin' " (or "The Bashin' of the Christ") -- March 2, 2004

---

Summertime recipes: Roast Ox Smoothie

Though some folks favor lemonade, root beer floats or iced tea, old-timers know there's nothing quite like a refreshing Roast Ox Smoothie to take the edge off on a sweltering summer day.

INGREDIENTS

1 600-lb. oxen, freshly killed
2 dozen cloves of garlic
1 large sack of onions, cubed
9 gal. Worcestershire sauce
1-1/2 fistfuls of paprika
8 oz. plain yogurt

Throw the onions and garlic into a mixing bowl and thrash them viciously with a studded leather belt until they begin to resemble a pile of severely abused chunks of onions and garlic.

Rub some of the garlic and onion mix onto your teeth and gums to ward off evil, then place the rest in an all-weather trash bin. Fling the paprika on top and seal with duct tape.

Next: Decapitate, skin and gut the ox using an ordinary household oxen shiv, medium-sized chainsaw or a crew of illegal Mexican laborers. Lightly brush the grotesque uncooked flesh with Worcestershire marinade and cover with a tarp to protect from flies and maggots and neighborhood dogs.

Dig a hole in your backyard and fill with wood, coal and construction debris. (environmental enthusiasts may prefer to substitute alternative fuels such as switch grass, Duraflame logs or oxen dung).

Construct a makeshift oxen spit, then muscle the bloody carcass onto the contraption. Douse the bonfire pit with lighter fluid or gasoline (at least 89 octane for best results) and ignite, making sure flames do not exceed 15 feet in height.

Cook for approximately half a day, continually rotating the gigantic slab so it chars evenly while the center remains pink and tender. Remove from heat and trim into blender-sized slabs.

Shovel ingredients into industrial-sized food processor and puree for 45 minutes.

Dump into a tall glass over ice, garnish with a sprig of anchovy and serve.

---

Saddam on hunger strike, gives up Doritos

By John Breneman

Saddam Hussein has begun another hunger strike, according to a source who said the cranky tyrant barely touched his wine-poached Tuscan salmon last night, then turned up his nose at his tiramisu cheesecake dessert.

Hussein is also refusing his vegetables, even when his jailers try the U.N.-approved "choo-choo train" method of getting him to eat. The judge presiding over his trial stated that holding Hussein in contempt of court wasn't working, so he ordered him to be confined in a holding cell for an extended "timeout."

With his latest tantrum, Hussein reportedly hopes to strike a blow for deposed genocidal maniacs everywhere. According to one of his attorneys, "The elite, pro-human rights media never prints the GOOD news about ruthless totalitarian dictators."

Related stories:
Saddam tells judge to 'go (bleep) yourself' – Jan. 30, 2006

'Madman' Hussein pleads insanity – Nov. 28, 2005

Photos prove Saddam possessed BVDs – May 23, 2005

---