Bush's message:
'Get off your butt'
and exercise

By John Breneman

(June 25, 2002)   WASHINGTON -- Warning that America has turned into a nation of "flabby lard-asses," President George W. Bush unveiled a national fitness initiative on Saturday after leading White House staffers through a grueling "Abs of Steel" video workout.

An estimated 60 percent of U.S. adults are overweight, said the president, who challenged Americans to get 30 minutes of exercise each day, whether it's running, walking the dog or just spanking the monkey.

"Either you're with us, or you're with the terrorists," said Bush, noting that our national appetite for nachos and fried food contributes to the country's dependence on foreign grease.

"Our nation's health depends on every American doing his or her part," said the president, who also cautioned citizens to avoid "risky behaviors" like smoking cancer sticks and crack, shooting heroin or getting so drunk that you choke on your own vomit.

America's obesity also impacts her astronomical health care costs. For example, the nation now spends an annual $183 billion to fight heart disease alone, almost as much as we spend on Chicken McNuggets each year.

The president's high-profile fitness extravaganza also featured a 3-mile run on Saturday. After clocking in at 20:09, the president issued a bold challenge, daring other world leaders to race him.

"Forget the nuclear arms race," he said. "Hussein, Arafat, Pervez Musharraf ... I'll leave all of 'em in the dust."

The president, a self-described gym rat who likes to spend up to four hours a day playing T-Ball, plans to give a major speech on Wednesday encouraging Americans to eat more spinach and yams.

Bush is also expected to announce new federal funding for liposuction during Wednesday's first-ever presidential "Weight of the Union" address.

President says he won't rule out using military force to squash Democrats

By John Breneman

(Nov. 4, 2003)   WASHINGTON -- With his poll numbers slipping, President Bush said today he would not rule out using military force if he feels any of the Democratic candidates poses a significant threat to U.S. interests.

The president said he has evidence that retired Gen. Wesley Clark and other Democratic contenders may be stockpiling chemical and biological weapons in their campaign warchests. Further, Bush said, the British government has documents purporting to show that Sen. John Kerry attempted to purchase uranium "yellow cake" from Niger.

"You're either with us or you're a terrorist," said Bush, who claimed to possess some "darn good intelligence" revealing that each Democratic candidate opposes both the president and his policies. Bush said he has learned that Howard Dean and Joe Lieberman have ties to al Qaeda and that Al Sharpton once invited Saddam Hussein and his sons to a P. Diddy concert.

If the Democrats persist in criticizing the war in Iraq, the president said he will have no choice but to "give 'em a taste of heavy artillery." Asked what types of offenses might warrant a military response, Bush said he would only consider deploying troops if the Democrats continue to whine about U.S. casualties in Iraq and the need to seek help from the international community.

The president's mother, Barbara Bush, who recently called the field of Democratic contenders "a pretty sorry group," said she stands prepared to use even harsher language "if those pathetic liberal jackasses don't stop harassing my Georgie."

Bush stopped short of issuing a formal declaration of war against his rivals, but assured the American people that he would not hesitate to use some of his favorite "nuke-u-lar weapons" to defeat the menacing Democratic "axis of evil."

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