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Trump
tells Bush: 'You're fired'
'Reality TV' has no connection to reality
January 24, 2003
It's 2003 and TV has taken a turn for the
weird. The hottest programming - so-called "reality
television" - is not so much "real" as
"surreal."
 Fake,
too, in the sad case of "Joe Millionaire." This
show features perky female fortune hunters drooling over
an uneducated hunk they are duped into believing has a
giant wad of cash.
It'll sure be entertaining to see how shocked
and humiliated they are once the cruel and outrageous
lie is revealed.
There's another show, "Fear Factor,"
where iron-bellied freaks eat maggots for money, literally
washing them down with pig intestine milkshakes.
Immoral and repugnant, you say?
Well, it's bound to get worse. Human depravity is a hot
ticket on the boob tube these days. So don't be surprised
to see the following shows on the fall (of Western civilization?)
TV lineup:
"Hobo Billionaires" - Fox
convinces six grimy bums that they've inherited $9 billion
from a homeless half-brother of John D. Rockefeller, then
yanks the rug out from under the disoriented ragamuffins
once they start living the high life.
"Cannibal Island" - Dropped
on a deserted island with only a can of Pringles and two
jugs of Mountain Dew, eight contestants compete in outlandishly
contrived tests of skill to see who gets flame-broiled
on a spit and eaten by the others.
"Sleeping With the Enemy"
- Eight bikini-clad harlots are asked whether they'd sleep
with Saddam Hussein for $1 million. When they all scream
"Woooooo!" and flash their assets, host Snoop
Dogg keeps lowering the dollar amount until only one greedy
bimbo remains.
"Joe Manslaughterer" -
Shameless trollops try to snag a stud they are told is
the wealthy Prince of Elbonia but who's actually a federal
fugitive wanted for pistol-whipping a string of victims
with a frozen cornish game hen.
"America's Funniest Groin Injuries"
- Host Bob Saget cracks insipid "jokes" as he
narrates knee-slapping footage of hapless fools getting
whacked in the privates.
 "Who's
Your Daddy" - Eight voluptuous young women raised
by adoptive parents are told that Regis Philbin is their
biological father. Philbin goes along with the gag by
letting the girls sit on his knee and giving them each
a red rose and a DNA sample.
"Temptation Peninsula"
- Great-looking male and female nimrods frolic in a tropical
paradise while communicating only through double entendres
and sexual innuendo on a phallic-shaped spit of land in
the Philippines.
"Androgynous Love Scam"
- A half dozen hunks and six hot chicks vie for the affection
of an exotic, but sexually ambiguous model whose gender
is not revealed until the explosive finale.
"The Bachelor's Degree"
- Seven losers compete for a college diploma and the dream
of having an actual life instead of scrounging to make
ends meet in a Burger King suit.
-- John Breneman
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'Will you accept this hose?'
Also coming this fall:
"Stank Ho" (WB) - Two dozen crackheads
compete for the affection of a nasty-ass prostitute,
who they are told is "sitting on" several
ounces of "shit."
"Cannibal Island" (PBS)
- Survival of the sickest. Amateur cannibals compete
for prize money while gnawing on hunks of human
flesh.
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By
Chris Elliott
Mike Fleiss, creator and executive producer of ABC's "The
Bachelor," says that next season, some dramatic changes
will be made in the program. "I think people are getting
sick of the whole rose ceremony," said Fleiss, "so
we've turned that part of the show inside-out."
In this summer's installment, instead of the rose ceremony
in which each bachelorette continuing on to the next episode
receives a rose, each bachelorette that will not be advancing
will receive a two-foot long section of garden hose from the
bachelor. In order to avoid contestants refusing to accept
the hose, the $2,500 stipend that each bachelorette receives
is contingent upon her taking the hose in hand, sniffing it
and walking out of the room.
The hose ceremony is more in keeping with the reality of
modern dating says Fleiss. "These days it's all about
getting dissed," he said, adding that "what people
really like about this program is watching the girls cry.
The hose ceremony will definitely make them cry. The bachelorettes
will all be lined up, and the bachelor will walk down the
line, occasionally stopping to hand out a hose to one of the
bachelorettes. Just picture a guy with a half-dozen lengths
of hose in his hand stopping and saying 'Kristen, will you
accept this hose?' This is going to be hilarious."
When asked if the new elimination process was a little mean-spirited,
Fleiss said "Hell, yeah. We're also going to put spy
cams in the bathroom."
Punk-ass celebrity punk quits Punk'd
By John Breneman
Celebrity nimrod Ashton Kutcher claims he is pulling the
plug on his popular practical joke show "Punk'd,"
but no one knows whether to believe this or any statement
uttered by the puckish pretty boy whose talent is dwarfed
by his mammoth ego.
Kutcher first assaulted the public consciousness with his
portrayal of a stupid, narcissistic punk on "That '70s
Show," a role that catapulted him into movie stardom
and led to an Oscar nomination for his performance as a moronic
punk in "Dude, Where's My Hat?"
Eager to parlay his 15 minutes of lame into a career, Kutcher
cleverly landed real-life roles as Demi Moore's boytoy and
P. Diddy's fashionably dressed prank monkey. Then came "Punk'd,"
an MTV twist on the old "Candid Camera" formula.
There is some speculation that the merry prankster, whose
victims have included Justin Timberlake, Beyonce Knowles and
Moammar Qadhafi, may be leaving the show one step ahead of
litigation, though Kutcher has denied rumors that he tricked
bewildered rocker Ozzy Osbourne into flipping over an ATV.
Some critics argue that the show went too far, as when Kutcher
fooled dim pop star Jessica Simpson into thinking she was
related to O.J, or when he convinced actor Tim Robbins he
was being sent to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, to be detained as
an "enemy of the state." He also is credited with
bamboozling Democratic presidential candidates Al Sharpton
and Dennis Kucinich into thinking they have a chance to win
the White House.
Kutcher likes to brag that he is too clever to be "punked"
himself, but someone has apparently fooled him into thinking
that acting like an obnoxious, arrogant jackass is entertaining.
1-8-04
People magazine names Top 50 humans
People magazine today unveiled its first-ever
special issue devoted to America's "50 Most Insignificant
People." Topping the list is an California man who no
one even knew existed until People's investigative team discovered
him living in a shack made of popsicle sticks and chewing
gum wrappers in the Mojave Desert.
John P. Doe said he hopes the recognition will
help him achieve his lifelong dream job of pumping gas at
a remote desert outpost.
Others making the prestigious list include Michael
Jordan's hairdresser, former Vice President Dan Quayle and
47 Maytag repairmen.
The special edition was inspired by the success
of the magazine's top-selling annual "50 Most Unusual
Genitalia" issue, this year featuring Michael Jackson,
Woody Allen and Spiderman.
In the coming weeks, People plans several additional
top-50 issues: The "50 Most Intriguing Psychopaths"
list is headed by Mike Tyson, O.J. Simpson and Robert Blake.
And the much-anticipated "50 Sexiest International
Terrorists" cover features the smoldering West Korean
evil-doer Saddam bin Arafat.
5-3-02
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