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By John Breneman
Scientists at the University
of Helsinki claim they have solved the mystery of global warming.
A team of forensic diabologists
led by the Rev. Dr. Zoltan Fahrenheit found startling evidence
that the gradual rise in temperatures around the globe is
caused not by holes in the ozone layer or defoliation of the
rain forests, but rather by increased activity in Hell.
Using a cutting-edge procedure
called thermodemonalysis,
Dr. Fahrenheit concluded that the incremental temperature
climb that has alarmed scientists throughout the world is
caused by heat-generating phenomena that can be traced directly
to Hades. For example:
-- Snatching of souls is up 29
percent over the previous fiscal year.
-- Fire-based torture of the
eternally damned is up 65 percent, due in part to triple-digit
increases in sloth, gluttony and greed during the 1980s and
90s.
-- Underworld space constraints
have caused a construction boom of blast furnace holding tanks
to house new arrivals.
The Helsinki report also cited
the Devil's incendiary work here on Earth, noting that the
FBI is now examining what appears to be charred, cloven hoof
prints lifted from shredded Enron documents.
The report also charges that
Satan and his henchmen control gasoline prices using covert,
subterranean destabilization of the oil-rich Middle East.
Underworld spokesman Scorchy
Crisp roundly denounced the University of Helsinki findings
as "all fire and brimstone, no smoking gun."
"This is just another example
of the Devil being used as a scapegoat for man's innate tendency
toward stupidity and self-destruction," Crisp said during
a press conference held in a makeshift fiery pit in Helena,
Montana.
Bernie Burnham, CEO of Lucifer
Technologies, a subsidiary of Hades Unlimited, also debunked
the report.
"The Devil, the Prince of Darkness, Old Scratch -- call
him what you will -- has been around for thousands of years
perpetrating evil in all its forms. Why global warming now,
all of a sudden? It doesn't make sense."
The Devil himself was unavailable
for comment, Crisp explained, because he was away on his monthly
recruiting trip to Washington, D.C.
6-28-02
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And it's
good for the economy, too
By John Breneman
WASHINGTON -- Responding to growing fears
about global warming, President Bush today unveiled a multi-pronged
"Inaction Plan" touting the economic benefits of
environmental degradation.
A report just released by the administration's
Environmental Protection Agency foresees drastic climate changes
on the horizon. But this has not fazed the president, whose
rise to power was fueled by friends who emit greenhouse gases
for breakfast.
Bush said he only needed to read the first
couple paragraphs of the EPA report to imagine a "warmer
America" where oil crews could defile the Alaska wilderness
year-round wearing government-issue Exxon T-shirts.
The Oilman-in-Chief cautioned Americans
against cutting back on gasoline consumption or purchasing
"wimpy" hybrid automobiles.
"Fossil fuels are what made this
country great," said Bush, who has addressed worldwide
environmental concerns by rejecting the Kyoto Protocol in
favor of his "Smoggy Skies" initiative. "When
the icebergs melt, we can just scoop up that water and use
it to refill some of the rivers and lakes that are being polluted
in the name of progress," said Bush.
The president grinned at suggestions that
if global warming goes unchecked, New Hampshire will soon
resemble the Sahara Desert, only with moose instead of camels.
Though the so-called "Greenhouse
Effect" is not a concern at the White House, political
climatologists forecast that highly partisan gusts of hot
air will continue to blow hard through the nation's capital.
6-7-02
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