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Voice on new
bin Laden tape
is revealed to be
Pee-Wee Herman
By John Breneman
Intelligence experts have confirmed that the voice an on
audiotape purported to be that of terrorist mastermind Osama
bin Laden is actually that of Pee-Wee Herman.
 The
tape was broadcast today by Arab satellite station al-Jazeera
along with a photograph of a bearded Herman (aka Osama bin
Ruebens and Sheikh Pee-Wee bin Herman) posing with a Kalashnikov
"Super Soaker" squirt rifle.
Herman, who was charged last week with possessing naughty
pictures of young boys, did not specifically take credit for
the Sept. 11 attacks. But U.S. military officials suggest
all males age 16 and under be on a heightened state of alert.
The once-popular entertainer, who is believed
to be hiding out in an underground "playhouse"
in northern Pakistan, was denounced by President Bush
today as a "cowardly little pervert."
According to unsubstantiated reports, Al-Jazeera
has obtained a followup recording in which an obnoxious-sounding
Herman taunts the president, saying, "I know you
are, but what am I?"
11-19-02
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Yasser Arafat may have a
new feud on his hands.
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McCoys defeat Hatfields,
set
sights on Arafat
By John Breneman
Secretary of State Colin Powell today unveiled a plan to
end violence in the Middle East by creating a Palestinian
state near Pikeville, Kentucky - best known as the home of
the Hatfields and the McCoys.
"We done killed off most of them Hatfields," said
Jethro McCoy III. "Now weez lookin' fer somebody new
to feud with and I heared them Palestinian sumbitches is dang
good feuders."
Under a tentative deal hammered out with Yasser Arafat over
a jug of corn whiskey, the McCoys agreed to support a Palestinian
homeland on the West Bank of the Tug Fork River. Palestinian
refugees would also gain full control of the long-disputed
Gaza Swamp.
"I reckon we'll let 'em git settled in fer a spell,
then mosey over and pump their behinds fulla buckshot,"
said McCoy. "They kin shoot back and chuck rocks at us
and the like. But we don't cotton to none o' that sooey-cide
bombin'."
The meeting produced immediate signs that the accord may
succeed, as the 72-year-old McCoy jabbed his finger into the
PLO leader's chest and said, "You shur talks funny, ya
raggedy-ass hog-stealin' raghead."
When Arafat responded by calling the McCoy patriarch a "toothless
Jew-loving hillbilly," the woodsman observed that Arafat
"wuz gittin' a mite ornery."
McCoy then turned to Secretary of State Powell and warned,
"If wunna them A-Rabs tries to make off with our moonshine,
they's gonna be hell to pay."
Powell just shrugged and suggested the McCoys tack up some
signs with the words "No Trespassin'" printed in
Arabic.
6-14-02
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