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August 29, 2006
JonBenet sicko, aka Pee-Wee
JonBenet sicko linked to Pee-Wee Herman
 By
John Breneman
Authorities say John Mark Karr, confessed non-killer of 6-year-old
beauty queen JonBenet Ramsey, has now implicated himself in
the Natalee Holloway case, a Fallujah terror bombing and the
disappearance of Jimmy Hoffa.
The spooky-looking Karr, a natural-born weirdo who suffers
from a rare form of attention deficit disorder, has also claimed
responsibility for visiting a Thai sex-change clinic, fathering
Britney Spears' second child and a kidnapping scam involving
Paris Hilton's pet monkey.
"Yeah, that's it. That's the ticket," said Karr,
adding that he used to be married to Morgan Fairchild and
is a distant cousin of Pee-Wee Herman.
Karr denied any connection to the Valerie Plame leak, U.S.
intelligence failures in Iraq or the administration's sluggish
response to Hurricane Katrina - but then quickly recanted,
saying he was to blame. Then he asked if he could have another
nifty free airplane ride with champagne, roast duck and shrimp
cocktail.
Though his DNA ruled him out in the Ramsey slaying, authorities
are still investigating Karr's claim that he is the bastard
son of Shirley Temple's love child.
Posted by John Breneman at 10:44 PM | Permalink
August 25, 2006
Bush declares fartwa on Iran
Bush declares fartwa on Iran
 By
John Breneman
President Bush today declared a massive fartwa on Iran and
said he wouldn't hesitate to use military flatulence as he
cracks down on the "asses of evil." He also announced
a new plan to "smoke out" Osama bin Laden with bunker-busting
stinkbombs.
Now that the president's love of farting and fart jokes has
been exposed by U.S.
News & World Report, the Humor Gazette has learned
that he also enjoys giving noogies to foreign dignitaries
and watching Dick Cheney kick liberals in the groin.
President Bush, according to White House proctologist Dr.
Fred Cheeks, believes in the "He who smelt it dealt it"
doctrine in the war on Islamoflatulism. Praise the Lord and
pass the mustard gas.
To ease international tension at the recent G-8 summit, where
he groped German Chancellor Angela Merkel and gave Tony Blair
a wedgie, Bush pranked puzzled foreign leaders with whoopie
cushions and fake poo. Bush kept himself from getting bored
by repeatedly putting his right hand under his left armpit,
flapping his left arm to make farty noises and then pointing
at the nearest red-faced dignitary.
Iranian President Mahmoud "Stinky" Ahmadinejad issued
a statement calling Bush "a juvenile chucklehead,"
but the president's response was swift and incisive. "I
know you are, but what am I?" he said, adding, "Heh
heh heh."
Related stories:
President
'punked' press, public with Iraq gag -- April 1,
2005
Posted by John Breneman at 8:50 AM | Permalink
August 19, 2006
Snake alert
Homeland Security cracks down on snakes
 By
John Breneman
Due to heightened Internet and media chatter about a plot
involving some "(mother-fangin') snakes on a (mother-fangin')
plane," the Department of Homeland Security today raised
the Reptile Terror Alert Level to red.
Fortunately, Oscar-nominated badass Samuel
L. Jackson reportedly has the mother-fangin' situation
under control and is getting medieval on the mother-fangin'
serpents in theaters
across the nation.
The FBI is probing possible links to the Monty Python humor
cell and the rumored presence of a uraniumhead yellow snake
from Niger.
Federal officials slithered into action, mandating that all
male passengers be vigorously frisked to determine if they
are concealing anything that resembles a small or medium-size
snake.
Secretary of State Condoleezza
Rice was shocked, saying, "I don't think anyone
could have predicted those people would use (mother-fangin')
snakes on a (mother-fangin') plane as a weapon."
Several leading Republicans accused the Democrats of being
weak in the war on snakism and the media has made sure no
American goes more than 11 minutes without hearing the words
"snakes on a plane."
Related story:
Acorn
plot linked to squirrel terorists -- Oct. 7, 2005
Consult
your Homeland Security Horoscope
Posted by John Breneman at 9:24 AM | Permalink
August 18, 2006
Hamsters banned from planes
Hamsters banned from commercial flights
 By
John Breneman
The Transportation Security Administration today announced
new airline security restrictions in the wake of the British
plot to blow up planes with soda pop and baby formula. Officials
are also investigating a terror scheme involving hamsters
rigged with explosives and an Islamofascist gecko.
Passengers will no longer be able to carry on the following
liquids: Nitroglycerin, goat milk, chicken soup, barrels of
crude oil, urine samples, Chateau Lafite Rothschild, moist
towelettes and triple lo-fat mocha latte frappuccino. Other
banned liquids include Newman's Own Islamic Vinaigrette Dressing
and excess saliva or perspiration.
Also prohibited from the passenger compartment: Pez
dispensers, toy assault rifles, cellular and rotary
phones, Match-Lite charcoal briquettes, canned goods, frozen
steaks, stink bombs, pinking shears, kilos of cocaine, Ninja
death stars and most hand grenades.
Also: Acetylene torches, PVC tubing, night-vision goggles,
deep-sea diving apparatus, fake passports, cucumbers
wrapped in tin foil, Ronco bottle and jar cutters,
moth balls, Preparation
H, subversive literature, acorns, pointy
sticks, hollow chocolate Easter
bunnies, Hummel figurines, Elmer's glue and Mel
Gibson.
Related stories:
 IMPORTANT:
Air travel safety tips
Fake
obit: Abu Musab al-Zarqawi -- June 9, 2006
Al
Qaeda's #2 man is cowardly piece of dung -- Aug.
5, 2005
London
attack heightens worldwide hatred
of spineless terrorist jerks -- July 8, 2005
Suicide
bombers get cold feet, call in sick -- June 6,
2005
Posted by John Breneman at 9:55 AM | Permalink
August 9, 2006
Bush fails second doping test
Bush fails second doping test
 By
John Breneman
Now that a second test has confirmed that his blood contained
high levels of artificial testosterone, President Bush faces
the possibility he could be stripped of his cherished "World's
Greatest President" belt buckle.
Today's disclosure by the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency also raises
new questions about his controversial 2004 victory over rival
bicycling pantload John Kerry.
Bush has long denied the use of performance-enhancing drugs,
saying he quit back in 1986 when he gave up the booze and
blow. But experts believe there is widespread cheating at
the highest levels of geopolitical competition.
For example, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is said
to be hooked on a cocktail of steroids, opium-laced hashish
and camel growth hormone; Kim Jong Il on Viagra and Courvoisier.
Hezbollah boss Hassan Nasrallah has a wicked crystal meth
habit and Saddam Hussein was a mustard gas freak.
Sources say Bush is fixing to challenge Ahmadinejad and Nasrallah
to a no-holds-barred, Texas-style mountain bike race.
Related stories:
 Bonds
rages against steroid allegations -- March 8, 2006
Incredible
Hulk implicated in steroid probe -- March 18, 2005
Canseco
claims he did steroids with Bush -- Feb. 14, 2005
Santa
Claus denies use of steroids -- Dec. 25, 2004
Steroids
infiltrating Washington, Wall St.
Posted by John Breneman at 9:54 PM | Permalink
August 2, 2006
Romney apologizes for anti-tar baby rhetoric
Romney
apologizes for anti-tar baby rhetoric
 By
John Breneman
Clarifying his politically sticky use of the term "tar
baby" in a July 29 speech in Iowa, Gov. Mitt Romney said
he had no idea the term was racially insensitive.
Romney issued a heartfelt apology
to all tar babies, crack babies and test-tube babies, as well
as the NAACP and the lesser-known NAATB.
He said he never meant to offend fans of the legendary Uncle
Remus story about Brer Rabbit, Brer Fox and the Tar Baby by
linking them to his state's $14.6 billion Big Dig highway
black hole.
Meanwhile, aides have advised Romney that next time he needs
a metaphor likening the bureaucratically grotesque, and now
deadly Big Dig to a "sticky situation," he would
be better off using a more PC term such as "duct-tape
baby" or "epoxy baby."
Romney, widely regarded as one of the whitest white dudes
of all-time, has been criticized as a clueless "blue
blood" by local
black leaders. He's also been called a "punk"
by the rapper Tar Daddy.
Romney denied reports that he angrily declared, "Tar
babies are responsible for all the wars in the world!"
But polls show 81 percent of voters believe he WOULD eagerly
make such a statement if he believed it would help him get
to the White House.
Related stories:
Why
"Tar Baby" Is Such a Sticky Phrase -- Aug.
1, 2006 (Time)
Romney:
The next president -- March 29, 2006 (By Chris
Elliott)
Posted by John Breneman at 8:41 AM | Permalink
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