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Fall foliage Q&A with Dr. Leif Mann
 By
John Breneman
Everyone knows that the autumn foliage in New England is
the finest in the world. But there is much about this annual
cornucopia of color that we do not know. Therefore, I have
decided to direct some reader questions to the Humor Gazette's
resident foliage expert, Dr. Leif Mann.
Question: Where should I go to see the peak foliage?
-- Bud Smith, Exeter
Answer: The most glorious foliage in all the world
can be seen in a quaint Maine hamlet called Carotene Falls.
Unfortunately, you can't get there from here.
Question: If there is too much foliage in my yard,
should I use a defoliant?
-- Biff Dupont, New Castle
Answer: Uh, no. A defoliant is a chemical that strips
growing plants of their leaves. Believe it or not, if you
just wait a bit the leaves will fall off the trees by themselves.
Question: My trees are still kind of green. Should
I consider paying a college kid to come and spray-paint them?
-- Sherwin Williams, Portsmouth
Answer: No. I have found that it's best to hire an
experienced painting contractor if you want the job done right.
Question: Where did the 2004 presidential candidates stand
on foliage?
-- Joe Voder, Dixville Notch
Answer: John Kerry was ranked the 5th-most pro-foliage
legislator in the U.S. Congress. He also voted FOR a $1.2 million foliage appropriation before he voted against it. George W. Bush believes we
can stop unwanted foliage by increasing the amount of toxic
emissions in the environment.
Question: Why are the trees so pretty in the fall?
-- Jenny, age 4
Answer: Well you see Jenny, leaves contain some green
stuff called chlorophyll. But the cold weather breaks down
the chlorophyll in most deciduous plant life forms. When that
happens, other pigments contained in the leaves (xanthophyll,
yellow; caretenoids, orange-red; anthocyanins, red and purple)
come shining through.
Question: Oh, why are there no blue leaves?
-- Jenny, age 4
Answer: Uhhh. Because.
Question: How can I protect my children from seeing
foliage on the Internet?
-- Jenny's mom
Answer: Of course it is best to shield your child
from all external stimuli, but that is not always possible.
Instead, you might consider raking up a big pile of leaves,
starting a bonfire, and throwing your computer into the center
of the flames.
Question: Who makes all the oxygen for humans to breathe?
-- Mikey, age 5
Answer: Plants and trees.
Question: Why are humans destroying the rain forests?
-- Mikey, age 5
Answer: Too much oxygen.
Question: How has the fluctuating stock market affecting
the international market for foliage-related goods and services
(cameras and binoculars, bus tours, T-shirts, petroleum products,
etc.)?
-- A. Greenspan, Washington
Answer: Let's just say that black market "Genuine
Maine Leaf Peeper" T-shirts are raking in quite a few
million yen in North Conwei, Japan.
Question: Are travel agents authorized to arrange
obscenely expensive leaf-peeping excursions for wealthy tourists?
-- Arthur Mulch, York Harbor
Answer: Yes, my sources in the industry tell me that
a Hampton travel agent is now offering a seven-day, seven-night
"Leaf Safari" package that starts with a champagne-and-hot-tub
limousine ride to the White Mountains. There, the group will
be flown to scenic Moosehead Lake aboard the S.S. Equinox,
a luxury dirigible that serves braised lobster and offers
unparalleled autumn vistas from the air. Tour organizers also
have arranged for a partial eclipse of the sun to create a
spectacular once-in-a-lifetime visual foliage extravaganza.
Question: What can we, as humans, learn from the humble
leaf?
-- Kofi Annan, United Nations
Answer: Well, if we humans could all develop the ability
to produce our own nourishment using the miracle of photosynthesis,
why we could solve world hunger and increase our disposal
income without triggering a windfall profits tax.
Question: Do leaves go to Heaven?
-- Jenny, age 4
Answer: Yes.
Humor Gazette columnist John Breneman has given up red
meat in favor of photosynthesis.
Posted on September 8, 2006 8:42 AM
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