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 Where's
Whitey?
By John Breneman
The FBI would neither confirm nor deny that it tried to lure
Whitey Bulger out of hiding yesterday by throwing a fake party
for his 77th birthday. In this version of the old fake-lottery
scam, the fugitive shows up to collect his presents and --
wham -- he's busted for 18 or 20 murders by agents in clown
suits.
But Bulger's too smart for those FBI clowns. Since Whitey
went ghost in 1994, he's been "spotted" in almost
every state and dozens of countries spanning every continent
but Antarctica -- thanks to a $1 million federal bounty on
the Pale One's scalp.
Whether eyeballed in Bali, recognized in Reykjavik or stared
at in Stuttgart, Whitey remains at large -- and larger than
life. Jack Nicholson is stoked to channel Hub gangster's signature
blend of stone-cold ruthlessness and sexual deviance in a
new movie called "The Departed" -- a delightfully
blood-drenched Boston mafia caper also starring Matt Damon,
Mark Wahlberg, Leonardo DiCaprio and Martin Sheen. Sources
say Whitey may try to sneak a cameo sporting his now-famous
white Red Sox cap, dark sunglasses look.
But he still can't shake being linked to Osama bin Laden
on all those most-wanted posters. Both men are wanted by the
U.S. government in connection with a reign of terror, and
both have been abetted by the U.S. government (Bulger receiving
FBI protection and bin Laden arms in Afghanistan in the '80s)
in connection with a reign of terror.
Word is, Whitey's ripped that the Islamo-whatever terror
boss rates $25 million in reward dough to his lousy $1 mil.
But hey, he's eluded justice for way longer than the tall,
turbaned head of the Tora Bora Hill Gang (heckuva a job, Whitey).
Come to think of it, maybe President Bush would have better
luck smoking WHITEY out dead or alive.
It won't be easy, though, because Bulger -- a master of disguise
with steely blue eyes -- uses an assortment of aliases. Whitey
is not the man's only aka, OK? To throw authorities off his
trail, Whitey sometimes switches over to Blackie.
Imaginary sources say he also goes by Whitey Ford, James
Brown, Red Buttons and Mr. Pink. In Acapulco he is known as
Senor Blanco. But a word of warning: Don't call him "Tighty
Whitey" or he is likely to strangle you with a pair of
mens undershorts.
Today, James Joseph Bulger shares a birthday with fellow
paragon of moral virtue Charlie Sheen, 41, and prominent Hub
merchant and "bargain basement" inventor Edward
Albert Filene (1860-1937).
But the million-dollar question remains.
Where's Whitey?
Some say he is probably masquerading as a retired college
president or distinguished ex-legislator. Others say he's
the reputed kingpin of a Tuesday night bingo syndicate in
St. Petersburg. And there are those who swear they saw him
performing in the Blue Man Group in Las Vegas in 2004.
You've heard the rumors (they count as rumors if I make 'em
up, right?) -- the aging gangster has replaced old cronies
Stephen "The Rifleman" Flemmi and "Cadillac
Frank" Salemme with geriatric bruisers named "The
Salad Shooter" and "Minivan Fred."
Meanwhile, the Whitey sightings continue to pile up. I saw
Whitey Bulger drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic's. His
hair was perfect. No wait, that wasn't him. Or was it?
Cause you know he’s out there somewhere. A source close to Whitey’s agent said he plans to celebrate by jamming a big knife into his birthday cake (vanilla with vanilla frosting), playing pin the tail on Sal Mineo and taking a tire iron to the head of some poor pinata.
Posted on September 3, 2006 11:04 PM
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Comments (1)
John:
Where do YOU think Whitey Bulger is holed up?
Submit your tips under "Comments"
I'll create photographic evidence
to substantiate the best idea.
Posted by
John |
September 4, 2006 1:04 AM
Posted on
September 4, 2006 01:04
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