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October 31, 2006
Trick-or-Treat plot foiled
 Trick-or-Treat
plot foiled
By John Breneman
A group of Washington D.C. fourth-graders has been charged
with terrorist activities for toilet-papering the White House
in a Halloween prank gone awry.
"Bring 'em on! Dead or alive!" said President Bush,
who reportedly took refuge in the powder room while the alleged
juvenile terrorists draped the West Wing with rolls of extra-plush
Charmin.
Members of the prepubescent terror cell, whose ringleader
was said to be wearing a frighteningly realistic John Kerry
mask, are also being charged with illegal use of a personal
hygiene product for smearing several White House windows with
shaving cream. Also charged with felony trick-or-treating
were: a fireman, the Geico gecko and a 4-foot-tall Osama bin
Laden.
The schoolchildren, reportedly upset that the fitness-conscious
president gave out apples and raisins instead of Snickers
and Milk Duds, were required to submit to U.N. inspections
of their candy bags.
Attorney General Alberto Gonzales ordered that the mischievous
young evil-doers be blindfolded and sent to a barbed-wire
holding facility in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.
Unreliable sources said the pint-sized enemy combatants will
bob for apples while strapped to a waterboard.
Posted by John Breneman at 12:43 PM | Permalink
October 24, 2006
Airline safety tips
Just got back from a press
junket to Fort Lauderdale.
Stay tuned for a travel
story later this week:
In related news, the Humor
Gazette's IBS News team has obtained an exclusive copy of
a controversial new airline industry safety pamphlet:
Air travel is safe and
fun
|
Always check under your
seat for terrorists before takeoff.
|
Never attempt to light
a stick of dynamite while aboard a commercial flight. |
Only a small minority
of passenger flights result in a hideous "crash
landing."
|
|
Just follow this simple
diagram if you and the others are to have any hope of
survival.
|
Our "Wet 'n' Wild"
ocean-rafting amenity is offered free on select flights.
|
Life vests in first class
are equipped with a tin of Pringles and a wedge of smoked
brie.
|
|
Children who refuse
to "shut the hell up" should be smacked sharply
on the head.
|
Please keep all genitalia
inside your clothing for the duration of the flight. |
If a terrorist should
brandish a box-cutter, leap out the nearest emergency
door.
|
|
Passengers are encouraged
to yell "Wheeee!" while sliding to safety.
|
Customers may enjoy our
complimentary oxygen during the death plunge. |
Once the shark tears off
your legs, the seat cushion keeps your bloody torso
afloat.
|
Posted by John Breneman at 1:33 AM | Permalink
October 18, 2006
And baby makes 300 million
And
baby makes 3 (hundred million)
 By
John Breneman
A day-old Florida crackbaby has been identified as America's
300 millionth person, according to a wild guess by
the U.S. Census Bureau.
Baby 300M (his real name is being withheld so his tiny soul
is not crushed by overexposure to the media) clocked
in at 7:46 a.m. Tuesday to win a crate of Gerber Spinach
Puree, two kilos of Johnson's Baby Powder and a year's supply
of Armani silk diapers.
Unconfirmed reports place his unofficial weight at 6-9 pounds.
He reportedly has no health insurance.
Thousands of women in delivery rooms across the country waged
a frantic
competition to pop out the lucky little one, whose
baby swag bag also includes Vanilla Coke, Chocolate Pepsi,
Slim Jims, Twinkies, Doritos, Cheetos, Big Macs, Froot Loops,
Nike booties, Grand Theft Auto and Mortal Kombat.
Related story:
Spears
baby to be named T-Bone -- Sept. 12, 2006
Posted by John Breneman at 8:40 AM | Permalink
October 13, 2006
Friday 13th advisory
The Dept. of Homeland Security warns that the dreaded Jason may be planning a grisly spree of violence Friday the 13th.
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Homeland Security issues
'bad luck' alert for Friday 13th
By John Breneman
Memo: Jason determined to attack inside the U.S.
The Department of Homeland Security issued a "bad luck"
advisory today, Friday the 13th, urging Americans to avoid
the heightened threat of misfortune by protecting themselves
with rabbits' feet and four-leaf clovers.
The CIA would neither confirm nor deny that it has detained
thousands of black cats and taken many for interrogation at
Guantanamo Bay, where they have been described as aloof and
uncooperative.
Pedestrians are urged not to walk underneath ladders or step
on any seemingly harmless sidewalk cracks, to minimize the
risk of one's mother suffering a possible spinal injury.
Warning: Individuals resembling this police sketch
may pose a threat of bad luck.
|
Leading economists speculate that 3.2 million of the lost
or abandoned pennies scattered across the American landscape
will be picked up today by people who ordinarily wouldn't
waste the 10 seconds it takes to bend down for a useless one-cent
piece.
The Justice Department issued a statement reminding Americans
that breaking a mirror is punishable by up to seven years
bad luck. President Bush began the day by rubbing Dick Cheney's
head and planned to spend the afternoon playing horseshoes.
The president said Americans needn't worry about Friday the
13th because he has everything under control, but conventional
wisdom suggests keeping your fingers crossed just in case.
Posted by John Breneman at 8:35 AM | Permalink
October 10, 2006
N.Korea go boom
UN
to put N.Korea on double secret probation
 By
John Breneman
As the United Nations mulls issuing him a "timeout,"
North Korean mini-dictator Kim Jong-Il today warned of more
nuclear monkey business unless President Bush apologizes for
calling him a "pygmy."
Kim, who is 5-foot-3 but stands 6-foot-4 in his platform
shoes and freakish bouffant hairdo, may yet be spanked with
sanctions for his rude, uninvited entry into the nuclear club.
Despite facing possible UN double secret probation, Kim celebrated
his nuclear no-no by throwing a lavish Johnny Walker-fueled
orgy for himself and six dozen teenage concubines.
"What's with those Islamic morons and their 72 virgins
in the afterlife? I do that every Friday with the Joy Brigade,"
he said of his harem of sex slaves.
Kim, who like President Bush inherited power from his father,
also threw a weekend parade in Pyongyang, where he clapped
along while his 1,000-piece military marching band played
"For He's a Jongy Good Fellow."
New polls show that his approval rating has risen to 106%,
up from a low of 100%.
Known as "Dear Leader" among his brainwashed, malnourished
subjects, Kim said that after his nuclear triumph he will
also answer to "Fission Magician" and "Doomsday
McMushroom-Cloud."
 Related
stories:
Angelina
Jolie romantically linked to Kim Jong Il
Iran
develops bird flu bomb
Cheney
accidentally detonates nuclear weapon
Iran
agrees to nuclear talks, but not nuke-u-lar
Gunfight
at the WMD Corral -- Feb. 11 2005
Posted by John Breneman at 9:46 PM | Permalink
| Comments (2)
October 4, 2006
Hulk denies steroid use
Incredible Hulk implicated in steroid
probe
 By
John Breneman
Noted superhero The
Incredible Hulk reportedly has been named in a federal affidavit fingering several top pro baseball players for alleged steroid use.
Attorneys for the comic
book icon -- best known for his bright green skin,
bulging musculature and brooding, surly disposition -- say
they have encouraged their client to cooperate with the probe
but warned that harsh questioning might trigger his legendarily
explosive temper.
The Hulk has repeatedly denied using illegal substances,
attributing his overdeveloped physique to a "laboratory
accident" involving exposure to "gamma
rays." But sources say Captain
America will testify that he once injected the Hulk's
buttocks with a substance called Mutant Growth Hormone.
The chairman of the House panel conducting the hearings questioned
the Hulk's credibility, pointing out that he exhibits many
of the classic signs of steroid abuse, including unusual skin
conditions, cartoonesque brawn and volatile mood swings sometimes
called "roid rage."
"Mr. Hulk is admired as a role model by many children
and his failure to come clean sends the wrong message,"
said Rep. Tom Davis, R-Virginia. "We don't want impressionable
young kids thinking it's cool to go around smashing in people's
skulls and flipping over automobiles."
The House panel is calling for a strict policy designed to
end steroid use among comic book heroes. Superman
could not be reached for comment.
Steroids infiltrating
Washington, Wall Street
Santa
Claus denies use of performance-enhancing drugs
Posted by John Breneman at 8:55 AM | Permalink
October 2, 2006
Owens addicted to publicity
 Owens
mulls rehab
for publicity addiction
By John Breneman
Experts say Terrell
Owens' recent non-suicide attempt may have been a
cry for help from a man whose brain is afflicted with a malignant,
metastasizing ego.
The Dallas Cowboys superstar is so addicted to the limelight,
said one psychologist, that if the chronic swelling of his
head is left untreated, he risks overdosing on his own toxic
narcissism.
So will T.O. seek treatment?
"Nah," said a source close to one of Owens' nine
full-time publicists. "That's just a rumor he started
to keep the spotlight on. Know what I'm sayin'? T.O. is takin'
'Me' to the next level."
 Owens,
who recently underwent surgery for a broken bone in his right
hand, played well in Sunday's 45-14 victory over Tennessee.
A source close to his third-string mirror polisher said Owens
had planned a new touchdown dance in which he "accidentally"
flashes his left
breast. However, Owens failed to score, leading pundits
to predict a high-profile publicity stunt with the next 24
hours.
With the Terrell Alert Level on "High," there is
widespread speculation that Owens may try to get some TV time
by smuggling a weapon onto an airplane or snapping at Fox
News reporter Chris Wallace. A source close to Owens' teeth-whitening
specialist said T.O. is set to announce that he is the true
father of Anna
Nicole Smith's baby.
Editor's note: Other sources consulted for this
report include the ghost writer of Owens' fourth autobiography,
the guy who rubs baby oil on T.O.'s abs and the therapist
who tries to keep Dallas coach Bill Parcells' head from exploding.
Posted by John Breneman at 8:08 AM | Permalink
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