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December 29, 2006
Qaeda reports declining revenues in fiscal '06
Al Qaeda reports declining revenues in
fiscal '06
By John Breneman
Al Qaeda Inc. (NYSE: AQI) reported a 3.6% drop in revenues
for the fourth quarter of fiscal 2006, but an annual report
released today assures shareholders that senior-level executives
remain committed to their bid for a hostile takeover of humanity.
While the international terrorist consortium boasted a modest
2.6% increase in "infidel slayings," it also acknowledged
increasing difficulty filling entry-level suicide bomber positions.
Sources say the company may begin farming out low-level belt-bomb
jobs to migrant workers from Taiwan and Mexico.
The report also noted that Al Qaeda's policy of indiscriminately
blowing up innocent Iraqi woman and children may be hurting
its public image.
 A
key part of its cost-cutting strategy for 2007 includes trimming
the number of virgins promised to martyrs in the afterlife
under their pension plans. So instead of being greeted in
the great beyond by 72 nubile sluts, company suicide bombers
might instead get three Baghdad opium ho's and a bisexual
goat.
Another blow to profits was slower-than-expected sales of
Qaeda's anti-American video game system -- Sunni PlayStation
3. Its 2007 product line includes T-shirts ("Coed Naked
Suicide Bombers" and "Martyrs Do It in the Afterlife"),
Kid Dyn-o-mite belts for "Lil' Terrorists" and an
Allah action figure with Kung Fu grip.
Good
riddance: Abu Musab al-Zarqawi dead
-- June 9, 2006 |
Bin
Laden plans debut on satellite radio
-- Jan. 20, 2006 |
'Madman'
Hussein to
plead insanity
-- Nov. 28, 2005 |
 |
Al-Zarqawi's
approval rating falls
-- Nov. 25, 2005
|
Terrorists
revealed
to be morons
-- July 22, 2005 |
London
attack heightens worldwide hatred of spineless terrorist
jerks
-- July 8, 2005 |
|
Suicide
bombers get cold feet, call in sick
-- June 6, 2005 |
Mother's
Day card yields clues on bin Laden
-- May 9, 2005 |
Bin
Laden eludes Wile E. Coyote
-- March 28, 2004 |
|
Comic
bomb: Bush slays 'em with WMD gag
-- March 26, 2004 |
Voice
on latest bin Laden tape revealed to be Pee-Wee Herman
-- Nov. 19, 2002 |
Rebuilding
Afghanistan
in our image
-- Dec. 10, 2001 |
|
Posted by John Breneman at 10:40 PM | Permalink
December 21, 2006
Study: Myrrh may be hazardous to your health
Study: Myrrh may be hazardous to your health
 By
John Breneman
A report in this month's Bethlehem Journal of Medicine reveals
that myrrh -- once a popular Christmas and birthday gift --
can cause a variety of ailments ranging from asthma and rickets
to bubonic plague.
Complicating the apparent health risk is the fact that very
few people seem to know what myrrh actually is.
However, researchers at the University of Persia claim the
substance -- a bitter, resinous powder made from the sap of
trees found in Somalia and Ethiopia -- causes a range of malignant
conditions in laboratory rats. Further, one of the test rodents
began to exhibit a messianic complex.
Scientists involved in the study claim there is also powerful
anecdotal evidence to suggest that myrrh is bad for your health.
"Look, Jesus was exposed to a whole bunch of myrrh as
a baby and we all know how things turned out for him,"
said Dr. Trey Weisman, principal researcher and co-author
of the new book, "Myrrh: Get That Junk Away From Me."
Weisman warned holiday shoppers to check the labels of their
perfumes and other toiletries to make sure they are myrrh-free.
But Tiffany Murtagh, who works the cosmetics counter at Wal-Mart
in Milan, said no myrrh is found in any of today's most popular
scents. "Myrrh is like so 2,000 years ago,"
said Murtagh, inviting a visitor to sample the new
fragrance by rapper 50 Cent -- 50 Scent.
 In
other news: "Frankincense is the new crystal meth."
The addictive whitish powder can be smoked or snorted, the
Humor Gazette has learned, and sources are reporting a dramatic
upswing in SWAT team raids of illegal frankincense labs throughout
the rural South and Midwest.
Posted by John Breneman at 1:14 PM | Permalink
December 19, 2006
Bush eyes Santa for Cabinet post
Bush eyes Santa for Cabinet post
 Kris
Kringle may be tapped to head
Department of Elf Education and Welfare or
Gingerbread Housing and Urban Development
By John Breneman
Firing Donald Rumsfeld didn't help him
at the polls, so now President Bush hopes to boost his Grinch-like
approval numbers by naming a universally beloved figure
to a key Cabinet post.
According to completely fabricated reports, the one and only
Santa Claus has engaged in preliminary discussions about a
possible top job in the Bush administration.
Conservative pundits say the move could also be a decisive
blow in the War on Christmas.
Mr. Claus, a beloved mythical figure known primarily for
his efficient worldwide distribution of Christmas cheer, has
no prior political experience. Nevertheless, he is considered
a strong choice due to his extraordinarily high "favorability
rating." And though he is famous for hauling around a
gigantic sack, he is believed to be virtually free of political
baggage.
Mr. Claus, who has perfected a technology that enables him
to fly all over the world at lightning speeds in a reindeer-powered
sleigh, is also being considered for Secretary of Transportation.
Some Washington insiders believe Mr. Claus' cutting-edge
work in high-speed, petroleum-free transportation could revolutionize
the future of commercial air travel.
Meanwhile, insiders at the Department of Justice confirm
that Mr. Claus' innate ability to tell who's been "naughty"
vs. who's been "nice" made him an attractive candidate
to replace Alberto Gonzales as attorney general.
And several leading economists -- noting Mr. Claus' powerful
impact on the nation's gross national product each year at
this time -- suspect he may be a contender for Secretary of
Commerce.
The rotund, white-haired statesman, who makes his year-round
residence at the North Pole, may also be under consideration
to head the Department of Gingerbread Housing and Urban Development.
Others believe that Mr. Claus, the nation's leading employer
of blue-collar elves, would be a natural for the Department
of Elf Education and Welfare.
Several Washington pundits suggest a Claus nomination would
draw strong opposition from Senate Democrats, some of whom
are convinced that -- like those mythical weapons of mass
destruction -- he doesn't actually exist.
 FBI
investigators will be checking Mr. Claus' background and "checking
it twice," in part to determine whether his well-documented
"love" for little boys and girls is cause for concern.
A spokesman said Mr. Claus would not be available for comment
on a possible role in the Bush administration because he was
about to leave on a very important annual business trip. But
President Bush said he is eager to meet over milk and cookies in Washington next week when "Santa
Claus is coming to town."
Related stories:
Bush
wounded in War on Christmas -- Dec. 9, 2005
Posted by John Breneman at 12:55 PM | Permalink
December 5, 2006
Britney's wardrobe dysfunction
Britney's wardrobe dysfunction
 By
John Breneman
Britney Spears is celebrating her much-anticipated
divorce/comeback by treating herself to a rejuvenating Celebrity
Slut Makeover at the fabulous Paris Hilton.
The luxury Hilton package includes low-rider
limos perfect for the naughty new mom eager to score a tabloid
splash by flashing her white-trash gash to the ever-present
crotcherazzi.
The vagina-centric vacation comes with a penthouse
suite at Hilton's notorious Tramp Tower and unlimited womb
service. Hilton also offers complimentary pole-dancing
lessons and pointers on how to eat a hamburger while
humping a soapy car.
Spears also gets a free extra-small T-shirt
for her 12-week-old baby. "Mommy flashed her (BLEEP!)
with Paris Hilton and all I got was this lousy Gucci wifebeater."
A source close to Spears' clitoris said the
pop tart loves Hilton's A-list parties and B-movie camp
and that her September C-section isn't slowing her down one
bit. ABC
News reported: "In less than a week, cameras
have captured Britney Spears' nether regions on four separate
occasions."
One paparazzo claimed that when he blew up
a shot of Spears' "junk" he was surprised to discover
some lint and loose coins, a crumpled-up Cheetos bag and one
of Hilton's fishnet stockings.
Etiquette expert Emily Post, after being revived,
declined to comment but issued a statement reading, "Egad!
Well, I never."
Stay tuned for breaking news on Britney's
ongoing attempts to portray a kinder, genitaler image. And,
now that pubic exposure is the sexy, hot new publicity strategy,
other celebs said to be considering flashing their anatomy
for the cameras include Star Jones, Martha Stewart and Hillary
Clinton.
Related story:
Scent
of a pop tart: Britney's new perfume -- Dec.
15, 2004
Rapper
50 Cent introduces 50 Scent -- Sept. 23, 2005
Posted by John Breneman at 11:31 PM | Permalink
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