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Hate
exercise? Hire an exorcist
 By
Dr. Newt Trishon
Today's topic: How to shed those unwanted pounds of blubber
we all put on during the holidays.
Many noted experts say the secret is diet and exercise.
That's right, some would have you believe you must limit
the amount of junk (the official nutritional term is "crap")
that you shove into your piehole and ALSO find it within your
lethargic soul to engage in some annoying regimen of actual
physical activity.
Well, fortunately there are plenty of crackpot alternatives.
For example, many people find they just don't have much of
an appetite for exercise. For these torpid lard-cans, the
answer is simple: Hire an exorcist.
A competent exorcist can be found in the Yellow Pages (under
"Satanic consultants"). For a reasonable fee, the
exorcist will summon the powers of the underworld to literally
"burn those extra pounds away." And, you can eat
as much charred flesh of of cloven-hoofed animals as you desire.
There are also surgical options to consider, though it is
important to warn you that liposuction is for suckers and
gastric bypass is passé.
Instead, try this revolutionary new method described in the
January edition of the prestigious Imaginary Journal of Medicine.
 It's
called a Staple-Gunectomy.
Simply press the loaded staple gun against your abdomen,
fix your face in a determined grimace, and fire away. Five
or six staples will usually do the trick.
Of course, there are many other valid approaches to "slashing
the old spare tire." The Humor
Gazette Diet is a proven favorite that has survived
the test of time and litigation.
Other new fad diets include:
South Pole Beach Diet: Simply go to the South Pole
(be sure to pack a warm parka, some mittens and a 14-inch,
whale-flaying knife). Upon arrival, set up your insulated
tent on the beach at Point Barrow and just shiver those calories
away. Every two months, hunt and kill a small baleen whale.
Enjoy.
Fear Factor Diet: Allow yourself nothing but maggots
and goat entrails for two weeks. You may eat a little the
first day, but studies show your appetite will quickly fade.
Broken Jaw Diet: Simply suffer a broken jaw and have
a qualified physician wire your mandible shut. Then utilize
an ordinary household straw to consume your meals. Repeat
as necessary.
Editor's note: Readers are invited to share diet
tips and ideas for "dumping that extra kiloton"
in the Comments section below.
Related stories:
The
People vs. Ronald McDonald -- July 30, 2002
Ronald
McDonald undergoes 'McMakeover' -- June 10, 2005
Tang,
sweet Tang -- July 27, 2005
Posted on January 11, 2007 9:06 AM
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