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May 15, 2007
Zombie industry booming despite Zombie scandal
Zombie industry booming despite Zombie
scandal
 By
John Breneman
Raging, cannibalistic zombies hauled in $10 million at the
box office last weekend, causing much rejoicing throughout
the zombie community.
Zombies also made inroads in the financial community with
the news that Geico's new multimillion-dollar ad campaign
would feature the slogan: "So easy a zombie can do it!"
However, there is also bad news for the soulless demographic.
Rock musician Rob Zombie, one of the nation's best-known
bogeymen and a role model for a generation of young mutants,
is not an actual zombie, the Humor Gazette has learned.
In fact, documents reveal that Zombie is not even Mr. Zombie's
real name. Born Robert Bartleh Cummings in Massachusetts,
he is a 1983 graduate of Haverhill High School, where he was
voted "Most Likely to Devour the Flesh of a Rotting Human
Corpse."
Mr. Zombie, whose body of work includes such sensitive numbers
as "Superbeast," "The Devil's Rejects"
and "Scum of the Earth," is considered a pioneer
in the genre of satanic, sub-grunge anti-pop.
 However,
even though he has mastered zombie habits like gnawing on
people's necks and staggering around trancelike with his arms
extended, his image has been bloodied by the allegation that
he is not a real zombie, but a Massachusetts-born, monster
wannabe.
Local 666, International Brotherhood of the Undead released
a statement saying it became suspicious of Mr. Zombie when
it learned he is only 41. Most zombies are anywhere from several
hundred to a couple thousand years old. It also noted that
Mr. Zombie is "a masterful self-promoter," whereas
most zombies avoid publicity like the morning sun.
In other zombie news:
MUSIC -- Zombies reunion tour leaves thousands dead
in Cleveland
SPORTS -- Hard-hitting Zombies slaughter Yankees, 18-2
POLITICS -- Homeland Security raises zombie alert level
to "Blood-Curdling"
NIGHTLIFE -- Local watering holes breathe new life
into "The Zombie"
WEATHER -- Swarm of Category 4 zombies moving in from
the northwest
Related reading:
"Everything
You Ever Wanted to Know About Zombies But Were Too Horrified
to Ask"
New movies:
"Revenge
of the Living Dead 5: Dibs on the Brain Meat"
Posted by John Breneman at 11:46 PM | Permalink
May 13, 2007
Revisionist History -- May 13
This Day in Revisionist History -- May
13
Celebrity Horoscope
PARIS HILTON
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) -- A bumbling
underling causes you to be incarcerated. However,
everything should be fine if you refuse to let naysayers
limit your superficiality. Remember, you'll always
have yourself. Stay hot.
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On this day in 1607, English colonists landed near
Virginia's Jame River led by a man claiming his name was John
Smith. Yeah, sure pal.
On this day in 1846, the United States declared war on
Mexico in a dispute over whether people crossing the border
needed any "stinking badges."
On this day in 1888, Brazil abolished slavery, prompting
celebrations all along Harriet Tubman's Amazon Railroad.
On this day in 1888, DeWolf Hopper first recited "Casey
at the Bat," prompting immediate allegations that the
slugger was made "mighty" by steroids.
On this day in 1917, three peasant children reported seeing
the Virgin Mary near Fatima, Portugal. However, she
disappeared by the time the paparazzi arrived.
On this day in 1958, Velcro registed its trademark,
prompting the "Great Shoelace Industry Panic of '58."
Today's Birthdays:
Pope Innocent XIII (1655-1724): former pontiff, no
relation to Pope Not Guilty and Pope Nolo Contendre.
Joe Louis (1914-1981): boxing great, knocked out Nazi
pugilist Max Schmeling in 1938, leaving Hitler with a nasty
welt.
Beatrice Arthur, 85: actress, her battles with Archie
Bunker rank among the greatest heavyweight bouts of the 1970s.
Stevie Wonder, 57: singer, his "Ebony and Ivory"
duet with Paul McCartney sparked claims of racial discrimination
from Asians, Latinos and Native Americans.
Dennis Rodman, 46: basketball player, led NBA eight
straight seasons in offensive tattoos.
Posted by John Breneman at 8:38 PM | Permalink
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