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« Revisionist History -- May 13 |
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Zombie industry booming despite Zombie
scandal
 By
John Breneman
Raging, cannibalistic zombies hauled in $10 million at the
box office last weekend, causing much rejoicing throughout
the zombie community.
Zombies also made inroads in the financial community with
the news that Geico's new multimillion-dollar ad campaign
would feature the slogan: "So easy a zombie can do it!"
However, there is also bad news for the soulless demographic.
Rock musician Rob Zombie, one of the nation's best-known
bogeymen and a role model for a generation of young mutants,
is not an actual zombie, the Humor Gazette has learned.
In fact, documents reveal that Zombie is not even Mr. Zombie's
real name. Born Robert Bartleh Cummings in Massachusetts,
he is a 1983 graduate of Haverhill High School, where he was
voted "Most Likely to Devour the Flesh of a Rotting Human
Corpse."
Mr. Zombie, whose body of work includes such sensitive numbers
as "Superbeast," "The Devil's Rejects"
and "Scum of the Earth," is considered a pioneer
in the genre of satanic, sub-grunge anti-pop.
 However,
even though he has mastered zombie habits like gnawing on
people's necks and staggering around trancelike with his arms
extended, his image has been bloodied by the allegation that
he is not a real zombie, but a Massachusetts-born, monster
wannabe.
Local 666, International Brotherhood of the Undead released
a statement saying it became suspicious of Mr. Zombie when
it learned he is only 41. Most zombies are anywhere from several
hundred to a couple thousand years old. It also noted that
Mr. Zombie is "a masterful self-promoter," whereas
most zombies avoid publicity like the morning sun.
In other zombie news:
MUSIC -- Zombies reunion tour leaves thousands dead
in Cleveland
SPORTS -- Hard-hitting Zombies slaughter Yankees, 18-2
POLITICS -- Homeland Security raises zombie alert level
to "Blood-Curdling"
NIGHTLIFE -- Local watering holes breathe new life
into "The Zombie"
WEATHER -- Swarm of Category 4 zombies moving in from
the northwest
Related reading:
"Everything
You Ever Wanted to Know About Zombies But Were Too Horrified
to Ask"
New movies:
"Revenge
of the Living Dead 5: Dibs on the Brain Meat"
Posted on May 15, 2007 11:46 PM
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