Yep. Billy Buck Teefus here – American redneck savant.
I heard that Foxworthy feller on the TV talkin’ ’bout
if this-’n’-that-whatever … you might be a
redneck. And I figure I must be one, cause nine outta 10 of
them sumbitches I sez yes to all of ’em.
Dang right I’s got a rag fer a gas cap? And what’s
wrong with takin’ a load down to the dump and comin’
home with a bigger one?
This here’s America!
Ain’t nothin’ wrong with bein’ a redneck?
President of the U-nited States is one, ain’t he?
Least accordin’ to that you-might-be-a-redneck test,
you figure:
If you gits 4,000 American soldiers killed in an unnecessary
war, and then start bragging that we’s “kicking
ass” ... you might be a redneck president.
If you live in the White House, but’d rather spend five
months a year out in Texas clearin’ brush ... you might
be a redneck president.
If yer idea of diplomacy is t’go around rootin’
tootin’ shootin off words like “smoke ’em out,”
“bring ’em on” and “dead or alive”
... you might be a redneck president.
And, sure enough, if yer second in command shoots a huntin’
buddy in the face ...
you might be a redneck president.
Editor's note: Billy Buck Teefus is a fictional
character. His opinions do not necessarily reflect those of
the Boston Herald, the Humor Gazette or the American redneck
community.
Mr. Billy Buck Teefus -- American redneck savant -- tells of a frightening encounter with O.J. Simpson. Says Teefus: "Man, just think of what that double-murderin’ sumbitch coulda accomplished if his life of crime hadn’t been interrupted by a Hall of Fame football career."
After
the attacks of Sept. 11, 2001, Humor Gazette editor John
Breneman embedded himself in the war on terror (at
an undisclosed location), vowing to remain vigilant in his
First Amendment duty to shock and awe the evildoers and politicians
alike with a relentless satire offensive.
Trouble, the ill-tempered Maltese that inherited $12 million
from hotel mogul Leona Helmsley, reportedly was spotted in
an upscale Manhattan pet store yesterday purchasing 100,000
Michael
Vick chew toys.
A spokesman for America's
wealthiest dog said the toys will be distributed to
abused and underprivileged canines at the nation's animal-cruelty
centers. "Payback," he said, "is a nasty little
bitch."
One lucky pooch will also win a day of pampering with Trouble,
including Shiatsu tummy massage and chi-chi avocado genital
masque.
In a related development -- now that the Helmsley case affirms
the rights of dogs to have their own bank accounts -- Michael
Vick is being sued by three dozen West Virginia mutts claiming
to be offspring of fighting canines killed by Vick and his
henchmen.
The
heirs of Slasher, Ripper, Shredder, Fangs, Prancer and Lassie24
are seeking punitive damages in a $12 million civil suit filed
against real Michael Vick and video-game Michael
Vick.
Birthday fugitive Whitey
Bulger marks his 78th tomorrow by continuing his 13-year
game of hide 'n' seek with the FBI. There'll be cake (vanilla
with vanilla frosting) and, if you wanna make a fast million,
just find out the undisclosed location of the Pale One's birthday
bash and drop a dime to the feds.
The scavenger hunt for the notorious Hub gangster -- who
disappeared in 1994, wanted for at least 18 murders -- has
included Bulger "sightings" all over the world.
In fact, the No. 4 thug on the FBI's Ten Most Wanted list
was last seen on the big screen, where he was played by Jack
Nicholson in "The Departed."
So, where's
Whitey? Rumor is he's holed up in Hollywood, pitching
scripts to Hub homeys Ben Affleck ("Gone Whitey
Gone") and Matt Damon ("The Bulger Ultimatum").
Actor Keanu Reeves turns 43 today. Having starred
in flicks called "My Own Private Idaho" and "Feeling
Minnesota," he's now being eyed to play Sen. Larry
Craig, the disgraced Idaho pol fingered for perversion
in a Minnesota men's room.
And happy 41st to Salma Hayek. After her success as
executive producer of Emmy-winning "Ugly Betty,"
her next project is a sitcom based on a bisexual, Communist
Mexican painter with a unibrow, "Ugly Frida."
On this day in 1901 at the Minnesota State Fair, Vice President
Theodore Roosevelt uttered his famous phrase, "Speak
softly and carry a big rocket-propelled grenade launcher."
Vietnamese President Ho Chi Minh died at age 79 on
this day in 1969, leaving his heirs a napalm war with the
world's leading superpower and a stake in his beloved basketball
team, the Ho Chi Minh Trailblazers.
The U.S. Department of the Treasury was founded on
this day in 1789, with strict instructions to try to keep
the federal deficit under $9 trillion.
On this day in 1969, Rockville Center, N.Y., became the site
of America's first automatic teller machine, a bulky
contraption that dispensed a free toaster to the first 100
customers.
Sixty-three years ago today, Navy pilot George H.W. Bush
was bailed out of his burning plane after being hit while
bombing Japanese targets. Nearly 30 years later, his son George
W. was hiding from Vietnam in the Texas Air National Guard
when he, too, got bombed and bailed out.
And
on this day in 1945, Japan surrendered aboard the battleship
USS Missouri in Tokyo Bay in exchange for a moratorium on
U.S. mushroom clouds and a jobs program for displaced kamikaze
pilots.
By
John Breneman
The
heirs of Slasher, Ripper, Shredder, Fangs, Prancer and Lassie24
are seeking punitive damages in a $12 million civil suit filed
against real Michael Vick and video-game Michael
Vick. 
And
on this day in 1945, Japan surrendered aboard the battleship
USS Missouri in Tokyo Bay in exchange for a moratorium on
U.S. mushroom clouds and a jobs program for displaced kamikaze
pilots.