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October 18, 2007
Sen. Craig's not-gay agenda
Exclusive: Sen. Larry Craig's I'm-not-gay
agenda
 By
John Breneman
After pinky-swearing to Matt Lauer that he is sooo not gay,
Sen. Larry Craig got right back to congressional business
– coming out in favor of stiff penal action for moral
degenerates and hammering out anti-bondage legislation with
the minority whip.
Craig, busted in June for trying to beef up his staff in
an airport bathroom, has been waging a valiant one-man campaign
to prove he is not gay.
The Idaho Republican told NBC's Lauer he is not bisexual,
hates "gladiator politics" and only uses bathrooms
"for bathroom's sake" – never for indulging
the whims of his inner Village Person.
Asked why, in a restroom known as a hot spot for soliciting
gay sex, he repeated a sequence of signals used by men to
solicit gay sex, Craig chuckled that he was just trying to
get some toilet paper off his shoe.
Lauer noted that the restroom's shady reputation was no secret
on the Internet, but Craig – a member of the Congressional
Internet Caucus – said he could not have known that because
he has "never used the Internet."
As proof of Craig's vigorous stance against immorality, supporters
point to his 1999 remarks calling adulterous President Bill
Clinton "a nasty, bad, naughty boy."
The Humor Gazette has obtained an exclusive copy of Craig's
itinerary for today:
6:15 am -- Think up new batch of excuses to avoid
marital relations with Mrs. C.
6:45 -- Watch favorite Richard Simmons workout video.
7:20 -- Delete e-mail conversations with Rep. Mark
Foley, Rev. Ted Haggard and the gang.
 7:45
-- Cancel most recent XXXL order from Victoria's Secret.
8:15-9 -- Mandatory "family values" time
with the wife.
9:30 -- Meet with interior designer to redecorate
bedroom closet.
10:00 -- Bathroom break.
10:15 -- Antiquing with Philip and Tayshawn.
12 noon -- Lunch with Liza Minnelli's ex, David Gest,
for tips on convincing people you're not gay.
1:15 pm -- Contact New York Times for price info on
full-page "I am not gay" ad.
1:45 -- Cancel VIP Gold membership at Stallions.
2:00 -- Return all those campaign contributions from
NAMBLA.
2:15 -- Bathroom break.
2:45 -- Schedule cosmetic surgery to have Romney campaign
bus tracks removed from buttocks.
3-3:05 -- Set aside time to work on actual Senate
business.
3:15 -- Quietly find private-sector jobs for Senate
staffers Dick Johnson and Julius T. Hunk.
3:45 -- Pedicure and bikini wax at Chez Maurice.
4:30 -- Leak compromising Craig-Romney bearhug photographs
to the media.
4:45 -- Bathroom break.
5:30 -- Invite media to daily "I am not gay –
I have never been gay" press conference.
6:45 -- Watch "Brokeback Mountain" again;
work on note to Heath and Jake.
Posted by John Breneman at 9:43 AM | Permalink
October 1, 2007
Education Accomplished! 'Childrens do learn'
Education
Accomplished! "Childrens do learn"
 By
John Breneman
Mission accomplished! As recently as three years ago, America's
education system was in a shambles. Millions of childrens
did not even know that humans
and fish can peacefully coexist.
President George W. Bush was so concerned that, on Jan. 23,
2004, he warned, "the
illiteracy level of our children are appalling."
Mr. Bush had been aware of the problem since Jan. 11, 2000,
when he observed at a South Carolina campaign rally, "Rarely
is the question asked: is our children learning?"
But as his dad's vice president, Dan
Quayle, learned at a sixth-grade New Jersey spelling
bee in 1992, education can easily become a political hot potatoe.
The Washington pundits misunderestimated Mr. Bush's ability
to get the job done, but in January 2002 he signed into law
his landmark education plan: No Childs Left Behind.
Sure, there were critics. Some say the president has shortchanged
his program by more than $50 billion. But Mr. Bush knows that
childrens need a good education so they can grow up to get
a heckuva job and put
food on their families.
In today's global war on terrorism economy, he reasons, we
must help childrens realize their dreams of becoming soldiers,
oil executives or OB/GYN doctors, free to practice
their love. Childrens, Mr. Bush understands, must
be given the tools they need to compete for those good-paying
jobs on the Internets.
So it was heartening to hear President Bush tell the nation
-- during his speech
last Wednesday urging Congress to reauthorize No Childs Left
Behind -- that, when standards are high and results are measured,
"Childrens
do learn."
Notably, Mr. Bush's vision has also fueled an education initiative
in the extremist Muslim world. In fact, many gifted first-
and second-graders in Iraq and beyond are already hating America
at a ninth-grade level, thanks to a policy called No Junior
Terrorist Left Behind.
Related stories:
Bush
suffers from Iraq-tile Dysfunction
-- Jan. 2, 2006
Critics
praise president's
"breathing space" for Iraq speech
-- Jan. 15, 2007
President
Bush assures nation:
"I think about Iraq every day"
-- June 27, 2005
Bush
as commander-in-cheek -- April 5, 2006
VIDEO:
Redneck Home Shopping Channel
Posted by John Breneman at 12:32 PM | Permalink
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