Man feels blessed, depressed over malignant Jesus tumor
By
John Breneman
An Alabama man says he felt blessed when X-rays revealed
a mysterious 8-inch growth in his brain that was the spitting
image of Jesus.
However, his rejoicing was shortlived. Doctors say the tumor
is malignant, leaving him just 4-6 weeks to revel in the glory
of his medical miracle.
"The Good Lord works in mysterious ways," said
Larry Holiday, an unemployed church janitor. "Who am
I to question the almighty divine holy creator in the sky?"
Holiday said he plans to auction the tumor, posthumously,
on eBay to provide for his family and dreams of reaping $5,000
for the sacred carinoma.
"I heard a man got $700 for a dang grilled-cheese Jesus,"
he said. "So I figure to make a bundle. Lord willing."
However, analysts say the sluggish economy has depressed
the market for items and surfaces bearing the image of Christ,
including baked potatoes, wallpaper stains and puppy fur.
One expert, though, believes the Holiday tumor could be the
savior of the hard-hit Jesus iconography industry.
"I've seen the Big Guy's face in cauliflower, rutabagas,
floor boards, tree bark, rocks, pie crust, vomit. You name
it," said Bethlehem University jesusologist Fred Cross.
"But this tumor, this is the biggest thing since the
beatific Cheeto of Luxembourg."
Jesus of Nazareth could not be reached for comment.
Fox News has announced that Alan Colmes will soon leave his
post as liberal co-host of "Hannity & Colmes."
As Fox decides whether to simply rename the show "Hannity
and More Hannity," one contender to replace Colmes is
tough-guy media pundit Frankie Goldchains, a former mob hit
man, rat and underworld consultant.
Sean, you ignorant schmuck! This here is Frankie Goldchains!!
Yeah, too bad about your boy Colmes. I heard he busted up
your little "Hannity & Colmes" sorority party.
So I'm taking Colmes' old job, see.
I got you figured out, Hannity. Right-wing pretty boy. …
You talk a big game, but I bet you got a glass jaw.
Day after Colmes leaves, I'm in your face like a frickin'
left-wing cage fighter. Bada-BOOM! Bada-BING! And don't expect
me to be some limp, lefty punching bag like old Colmesy there.
You smug millionaire gasbag. I'll smack that frickin' grin
off your makeup-caked piehole.
Fair and balanced, yeah right. You unbalanced fairy.
I'm gonna come down there … debate the crap outta you.
No more "Hannity & Colmes." From now on its
"Hannity & Goldchains," see. Wait, I got a new
name for you, Pinhead -- "Goldchains & Hannity"
!!!
By
John Breneman