Inspired by Dustin Hoffman's Oscar-winning character in "Rain
Man," this video is an homage to the national pastime
by my imaginary baseball savant -- "Rain Delay Man."
It’s World Series time.
Fall Classic.
First played October 1, 1903,
Boston, Massachusetts.
Attendance 16,242 fans.
It was a Thursday.
Boston Americans beat Pittsburgh.
Cy Young – 28-9, ERA 2.08
He had an excellent slider.
National pastime. Colorful history.
Cubs win. Cubs win.
Last time October 14, 1908.
It was a Wednesday.
Tinker to Evers to Chance.
Excellent fielders.
Boston Red Sox.
1918 champions.
They sold Babe Ruth for $100. To the Yankees.
Ow.
Uh-oh.
Black Sox! Black Sox!
1919. Shoeless Joe Jackson.
Banned for life by Judge Wapner.
“Say it ain’t so.”
’27 Yankees. Murderer’s Row.
Lou Gehrig, Babe Ruth
Sultan of Swat.
Bambino likes beer.
St. Louis Cardinals. 1934
Gashouse Gang
Dizzy Dean, 30 wins. 19 for Daffy.
Who’s on first? Ripper Collins
Excellent line driver.
October 15, 1946. It was a Tuesday.
Boston Red Sox. Game 7.
Ted Williams. Greatest hitter of all-time.
Severed head frozen at Alcor Life Extension Foundation in
Scottsdale, Arizona.
Johnny Pesky.
Enos Slaughter rounding third…
Here comes the throw. Not in time.
Red Sox lose.
Ow.
1955 Brooklyn Dodgers. Dem Bums
Jackie Robinson, definitely broke the color barrier
Duke Snider, Peewee Reese.
Finally beat the Yankees. October 4, 1955.
It was a Tuesday.
Roy Campanella … not a very good driver.
Carl Yastrzemski. Yastrzemski, Carl.
Born Aug. 22, 1939. It was a Tuesday.
Fans love Yaz. Won the Triple Crown in 1967.
Impossible Dream.
Uh-oh.
Bob Gibson pitching for St. Louis.
Ow. Ow.
1975 Cincinnati Reds.
Big Red Machine.
Pete Rose. Charlie Hustle.
All-time hit king – 4,256 hits.
Banned for life by Judge Wapner
1986
World Series. Game 6.
Who’s on first?
Uh-oh.
Billy Buckner.
Mookie Wilson at the plate.
Ow.
2004
Red Sox. Heh-heh. Heh-heh.
Bloody sock. Definitely bloody.
Great day for a ballgame.
Peanuts and crackerjack .
Don’t care if I ever come back.
World Series time.
Fall Classic.
Charlie Babbitt says: Any rebroadcast, retransmission or
other use of the pictures and accounts of this game without
the express written consent of Major League Baseball is prohibited.
Definitely prohibited.
After going bonkers for the Balloon Boy hoax last week, CNN,
MSNBC and Fox News today broke the news that a young boy dressed
in a wolf suit had been kidnapped by "Wild Things."
When informed that the "Wild Things" news story
was actually a movie that opened over the weekend, the media
responded, "Oops. Never mind."
Defending his network's coverage of the Colorado balloon
hoax, a CNN spokesman pointed out that the balloon was, in
fact, "extremely shiny."
Authorities now say they are preparing to file charges against
Richard Heene, an amateur scientist and inventor, and semi-professional
douche who now faces possible jail time for contributing to
the delinquency of the media.
The Balloon Boy hoax began to burst when 6-year-old Falcon
Heene vomited during a CNN interview and said to his parents,
"You guys said that we did this for the show."
Scrambling
to explain his son's apparent confession, the elder Heene
said the boy had simply become confused because the family
is simultaneously pitching several reality shows, including
"Hurricane Boy," "Publicity Whore" and
"Leave it to Falcon."
Sources say the Heenes, who previously appeared on ABC's
"Wife Swap," were also developing a project featuring
Kim Kardashian, Hulk Hogan and
former U.S. House Speaker Tom DeLay.
Fortunately, we here at Humor Gazette/Triple-Action News
had the good sense not to waste precious air time on the "Balloon
Boy" fiasco, reporting instead on Sarah
Palin's latest tweet, Glenn
Beck's latest mental breakdown and a rumor that the
Octomom plans to adopt a puppy.
Red Sox fans suffering from Postseason Traumatic Stress Disorder
Red Sox fans suffering
from
Postseason Traumatic Stress Disorder
By John Breneman
When the Boston Red Sox swept the New York Yankees in early
June to bring their season record against the Bronx Bombers
to 8-0, even the most realistic Sox fan had visions of the team rolling through the postseason to claim its third World Series title of the decade.
But now that Boston has been swept from the playoffs by the
Angels, sports psychologists estimate that up to 82 percent
of Red Sox Nation may be suffering from ... Postseason Traumatic
Stress Disorder (PTSD).
Symptoms include: O Sensations of droopiness in your “We’re
#1” foam finger. O Recurring flashbacks to October of 1986. O Delusion that TV clicker can be used to change playoff
loss into victory. O Irrational fear of men named Vladimir and anyone
clad in pinstripes. O Unshakable feeling that Manny Ramirez is laughing
at you. O
Hallucinations involving the frozen, severed head of Ted Williams.
Leading sports neurologists report there is no cure, though
some counselors suggest afflicted Sox fans may benefit from
a treatment once used by supporters of the old Brooklyn Dodgers
called “Wait till next year” therapy.
Health-care reform rhetoric hazardous to your health?
Health-care reform rhetoric
hazardous to your health?
By
John Breneman
As the debate over health-care reform becomes more feverish,
polls show a majority of Americans are getting a migraine from
listening to politicians who are more concerned with the well-being
of greedy health-care corporations the health of the American
people.
"13 O'Clock News" chief medical correspondent,
Dr. Bill Payne, reports that other side effects of prolonged
exposure to health-care rhetoric may include:
Other
side effects:
Cold sweats, hot flashes, inflammation of the wallet, varicose
brain, greased palm, clubfoot, hammer toe, housemaid's knee,
rainbow gout, rickets, rabies and shingles.
Other risks may include:
Whooping cough, congressional meningitis, moral obesity, SpongeBob
SquarePants disorder, Irritable Pundit Syndrome, male-pattern
hypocrisy and spastic Rush Lymphoma grandiosis.
Philosophic thrombosis, ethical psoriasis, fudge sickle-cell
anemia, hepatitis ABCDEF&G, temporary insanity, malignant
media brainwashing and esophageal bloviation.
Finally:
The surgeon general has warned that additional side effects
of prolonged exposure to health-care rhetoric may include:
Delusions
of bipartisanism, idiopathic rhetorical sclerosis, misdiagnosed
socialism, bleeding heart, severe right-brain elephantiasis
and degenerative political malfeasance.
A spokesman for Kim Jong-il would neither confirm nor deny
rumors that the enigmatic North Korean dictator may be dead,
incapacitated from a stroke, or simply recovering from one
of his legendary cognac benders.
However, ESPN reports the longtime Axis of Evil honcho has
torn his anterior cruciate ligament and could be sidelined
for the entire 2009-10 terror campaign. Still other reports
suggest he could be afflicted with pancreatic vapors, red
lung, cardiac dragons or curvature of the liver.
Questions about Kim's health arose last week when he failed
to attend the nation's 60th anniversary military parade, despite
his well-documented love of choreographed goose-stepping.
Sources say Kim was slated to hold one of the strings guiding
an enormous SpongeBob SquarePants balloon along the downtown
Pyongyang parade route.
North
Korean state media called reports about Kim's ill health "a
western conspiracy" and "not fair and balanced."
But there are unconfirmed reports that Kim also missed the
weekly tea party he throws for his beloved parakeets.
The health concerns have sparked uncertainty about the leadership
picture in North Korea, where Kim -- much like former U.S. President
George W. Bush -- inherited the job from his dad.
Little is known about the diminutive (5' 3") leader,
who is rarely seen in public without his trademark platform
shoes, old-school Commie jumpsuits and pompadour hairstyle.
Known to friends as "KJ" and "The Donger,"
Kim rules under an official state ideology called "Juche,"
which translates roughly as "starvation and brainwashing."
Each year, to demonstrate his benevolence, Kim gives every
family three packets of Ramen noodles and a Kim Jong-il action
figure.
His
birth in 1942 was said to be foretold by a mud dauber wasp.
Kim, who has a reputation as a cognac-guzzling playboy, claims
to have had steamy trysts with Angelina Jolie, Queen Elizabeth
and Sally Struthers. However, he denies any romantic involvement
with Bill O'Reilly or North Korean Pam Anderson impersonator
Bam Sanderson. Friends say he spends hours on Match.com trolling
for his "Seoul mate."
He is said to enjoy long walks on the beach and cognac-fueled
picnics with 12-year-old Japanese girls kidnapped by his aides.
His hobbies include needlepoint, human-rights abuse and shooting
off his missiles.
Kim, regarded as part immortal by his subjects, claims to
have invented the hyperbaric chamber, Kentucky Fried Chicken
and parts of the Internet. A seventh-degree black belt in
golf, he reports hitting 11 holes-in-one the first time he
played.
His
favorite foods are lobster thermidor, Rice Krispies and lollipops,
and he enjoys playing American parlor games such as Yahtzee,
Battleship and Gnip Gnop.
1986
World Series. Game 6.
Scrambling
to explain his son's apparent confession, the elder Heene
said the boy had simply become confused because the family
is simultaneously pitching several reality shows, including
"Hurricane Boy," "Publicity Whore" and
"Leave it to Falcon."
O
Hallucinations involving the frozen, severed head of Ted Williams.
Other
side effects:
Delusions
of bipartisanism, idiopathic rhetorical sclerosis, misdiagnosed
socialism, bleeding heart, severe right-brain elephantiasis
and degenerative political malfeasance. 
By
John Breneman
North
Korean state media called reports about Kim's ill health "a
western conspiracy" and "not fair and balanced."
But there are unconfirmed reports that Kim also missed the
weekly tea party he throws for his beloved parakeets.
His
birth in 1942 was said to be foretold by a mud dauber wasp.
Kim, who has a reputation as a cognac-guzzling playboy, claims
to have had steamy trysts with Angelina Jolie, Queen Elizabeth
and Sally Struthers. However, he denies any romantic involvement
with Bill O'Reilly or North Korean Pam Anderson impersonator
Bam Sanderson. Friends say he spends hours on Match.com trolling
for his "Seoul mate."
His
favorite foods are lobster thermidor, Rice Krispies and lollipops,
and he enjoys playing American parlor games such as Yahtzee,
Battleship and Gnip Gnop.