The Humor Gazette: November 2010 Archives

Palin amplified her mastery of U.S. foreign policy by issuing the following tweet: Inexplicable: I recently won in court to stop my book "America by Heart" from being leaked, but US Govt can't stop Wikileaks' treasonous act?

Analysts say the tweet elegantly demonstrates Palin's gift for combining ignorant soundbite politics with shameless plugs for her many products -- in this case pumping by name "my book 'America by Heart.'" (In stores now, and jam-packed with slams of everybody from Michelle Obama and Hillary Clinton to JFK!)

Supporters argue it also illustrates her deep understanding of the similarities between protecting poorly guarded government secrets and suing a website to protect profits from a copyrighted book.

As for Joe the Plumber -- a fixture on the 2008 campaign trail as John McCain's favorite metaphor for pandering to the middle class -- sources say he's plugging his own book while mulling a run for Congress and developing reality TV projects ("America's Next Top Plumber" and "Flush Prince of Bill Ayers"). He's also thinking of actually getting his plumber's license.

The WikiLeaks episode has resulted in at least one area of bipartisan agreement -- that America got caught with her pants down, or at least her butt crack showing.

November 29, 2010

Palin parody book excerpts leaked

EDITOR'S NOTE: This summer, some of my Palin writings and videos drew the attention of an agent who proposed that I write a Palin humor book timed to coincide with the Nov. 23 release of Sarah's latest: "America by Heart: Reflections on Family, Faith and Flag."

Perhaps due to bias in the elite, liberal publishing industry, the book did not sell. Now I've created The Daily Palin to present the web's freshest, funniest Palin humor and sharpest Sarah satire -- and to showcase my blockbuster Sarah parody book: "(Real) America by Heart: Reflections on (Exploiting) Family, Faith and Flag (For Fun & Profit)."

Wow! It's been a wild two years since we first met Sarah Palin -- the spunky, lunch-bucket, moose-carvin', Putin-huntin', political pitbull hockey mom America never knew it was waiting for.

Desperate to juice up his flagging campaign against that whippersnapper Obama, John McCain -- distinguished Vietnam War flying ace and self-described political maverick -- went rogue. Or vogue. Or both.

In a breathtaking act of political cunning, McCain busted out a stunning new running mate -- the smart, beautiful governor of Alaska. A real American dreamboat who oozed patriotism and family values from every pore.

Gov. Palin won rave reviews on opening night -- Sept. 3, 2008 at the GOP convention in Minnesota. It was a thrill, baby, thrill!

But when an elderly, cancer-surviving presidential candidate makes you his pick to run the country if he should die of a heart attack, ideological leprosy or unmitigated gallstones -- the spotlight can get a little hot. (SEE VIDEO: Obama lovers for McCain)

Oops. Her daughter's into teen pregnancy. Oops. She blanked when Katie asked what she reads to stay so misinformed.

In debates and interviews, Palin's winks and smiles made compelling video but the audio was often gibberish.

Before you could say "You betcha!" it was hard to tell the difference between the real Sarah Palin and Tina Fey's game-changing "Saturday Night Live" portrayal of her as a gorgeous igloo-ramus. (SEE "SNL" VIDEO)

Plus, while that hopey-changey Obama jerk was yapping about bringing everybody together, she was on him like a pit bull on baby seal -- ripping the future president for "palling around with terrorists who would target their own country."

We would soon learn that the bright, earnest Osama -- oopsy, Obama -- was actually born either in Kenya, Indonesia or Nazi Germany. And that he was schooled at an elite Muslim terror academy where, by the time he reached sixth grade, he was already hating America at a ninth-grade level. Bonus: His middle name's Hussein!

So by the time her stump speeches began inspiring cries of "treason!" and "kill him!" Sarah had pretty much knocked any remaining Palin fence-sitters into one of two camps. Supporters loved the conserve-a-licious homespun hottie with her curvy straight talk. Critics dissed her as a dizzy diva, dangerously unqualified to run the country.

But love or hate her, adore or abhor her, worship her in-your-face family values or loathe her with every fiber of your being … whether she sends a tingle up your spine or the taste of your last meal up your esophagus (OK, you get the idea) there is universal bipartisan agreement that Palin is a fascinating public figure -- a 21st-century political rock star with a made-for-TV story.

The politically green, ex-beauty queen from the Great White North taking the Grand Old Party by storm -- strutting, waving and winking her way down Main Street toward 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. Then parlaying her newfound fame into fortune as visionary CEO of the multimillion-dollar, multimedia conglomerate Barracuda Inc.

In her now-famous "Real America" speech Oct. 2008 in North Carolina, Sarah saluted the patriotic, hard-working citizens of "real America" and educated us on how to tell the "pro-America areas of this great nation" from those more likely to be harboring godless Obama-loving liberals.

And is it true she can slaughter a herd of caribou with just her bare hands and those razor-sharp, pearly-white teeth?

Many of the answers can be found in her blockbuster bestseller "Going Rogue" -- a book in which Palin talks so much about God "opening doors" for her, she makes Him sound a bit like her butler.

More clues are found in her new book, I mean automatic bestseller, "America by Heart" -- described as a "tribute to American values" featuring attack essays, moose-innard recipes and love poems to Ronald Reagan.

(Sources say it is actually the next in a series of 60 or 70 chart-topping Palin books, with likely future themes to include vampires, polar bears and left-wing zombies.)

But Sarah Palin is such a vital and influential force in shaping our duh-mocracy that we believe it is our satiric, civic duty to satirize the material she so generously provides.

So whether you find her Alaska drawl melodious or odious, whether you're just wild about Sarah or deeply tormented by the Wasilla Wonder -- this is a parody for Palinistas of all political persuasions, genders and ethnicities, from right-wing goons to left-wing loons.

A book that both honors and embellishes her extraordinary, uniquely American journey -- from near-Miss Alaska to her Cinderella-hockey-mom dash for D.C. glory.

Our crack team of investigative satirists has obtained exclusive documents shedding new light on how -- despite quitting her job as Alaska governor and transferring power to Tina Fey that in fishy, salmon-swimming-upstream-of-consciousness resignation speech -- her approval rating among her base still hovers at around 103%. (SATIRE VIDEO: Palin resigns to spend more time with her money!)

And we break exclusive new theories on why Sarah Barracuda is so fascinating -- and polarizing -- to real Americans everywhere. Why our irrepressible Caribou Barbie is a spunky, pro-life Mary Tyler Moore to millions and a white-trash White House wannabe to millions more.

Sure, she's gorgeous. But she also combines brazen obliviousness about being in way over her head with an icy cold, Alaska toughness -- exuding a sense that if you cross her, she'd be equally comfortable gutting you with an icicle or just shootin' you in the face, Cheney-style.

What's next for the Foxy Newsmaker? Smart money says she'll use the promotional push behind "America by Heart" (Saturday's stop: Des Moines, Iowa) to rev up a real-American run for the White House. Throw in "Dancing with the Stars" and her hit reality TV show and Sarah Palin is white-hot. We're talkin' red, white and blue hot!

Fortunately, we're here to help you make sense of it all, with our fair and balanced Palinist Manifesto.

COMING NEXT in "(REAL) AMERICA BY HEART:
REFLECTIONS ON (EXPLOITING) FAMILY FAITH & FLAG"

THE BEGINNING:
Baby Sarah was born Feb. 11, 1964, in a nondescript manger in Sandpoint, Idaho, but moved to Alaska just six weeks later when her parents fled the Gem State to escape the ever-present threat of socialism.

November 23, 2010

Kim Jong-Il woos Sarah Palin

A spokesman for Kim Jong-il would neither confirm nor deny reports that the enigmatic North Korean dictator attacked South Korea today because he has a crush on Sarah Palin and wanted to catch her attention.

Apart from his love of WMDs, choreographed goose-stepping and SpongeBob SquarePants, little is known about the reclusive leader, who is rarely seen in public without his signature 18-inch platform shoes, old-school Commie jumpsuit and pompadour hairstyle.

His birth in 1942 was said to be foretold by a mud dauber wasp. Kim, who has a reputation as a cognac-guzzling playboy, claims to have had steamy trysts with Angelina Jolie, Queen Elizabeth and Sally Struthers. However, he denies any romantic involvement with Bill O'Reilly or North Korean Pam Anderson impersonator Bam Sanderson. Friends say he spends hours on Match.com trolling for his "Seoul mate."

Known to friends as "KJ" and "The Donger," Kim rules under an official state ideology called "Juche," which translates roughly as "starvation and brainwashing." Each year, to demonstrate his benevolence, Kim gives every family three packets of Ramen noodles and a Kim Jong-il action figure.

He is said to enjoy long walks on the beach and cognac-fueled picnics with 12-year-old Japanese girls kidnapped by his aides. His hobbies include needlepoint, human-rights abuse and raping small animals.

Regarded as part immortal by his subjects, he claims to have invented the hyperbaric chamber, Kentucky Fried Chicken and parts of the Internet. A seventh-degree black belt in golf, he reports hitting 11 holes-in-one the first time he played.

His favorite foods are lobster thermidor, Rice Krispies and lollipops, and he enjoys playing American parlor games such as Yahtzee, Battleship and Gnip Gnop.

Kim Jong-il recently anointed his son as his successor, and sources say his lifelong addiction to cough syrup, cognac and crack has caused health problems ranging from red lung and pancreatic vapors to cardiac dragons or curvature of the liver.

North Korean state media called reports about Kim's ill health "a western conspiracy" and "not fair and balanced."

November 22, 2010

"Dancing with the Tea Party"

Tea Party threatens
'Second Amendment remedies' if Bristol Palin doesn't win 'Dancing with the Stars'

Rumblings within the rogue Tea Party voting bloc that has kept Bristol Palin alive on "Dancing with the Stars" suggest that anything short of a Palin victory could trigger "Second Amendment remedies."

Asked what that means, an anonymous Tea Party operative explained that "Second Amendment remedies" is a popular expression coined by Nevada Tea Party superstar Sharron Angle to advocate armed insurrection against governments or oppressive, left-leaning reality show regimes.

Amid rumors of death threats and bizarre conspiracies about voter fraud, Palin danced well last night, but remains an underdog in most polling. Fortunately for her and running mate Mark Ballas, the Tea Party is mounting an aggressive write-in campaign.

The plucky pro-abstinence heroine nailed a double pelvic thrust during a sexy freestyle dance routine, as cameras panned to proud mama Sarah cheering from the crowd.

Now America must wait until tonight to learn whether Sarah, I mean Bristol, can claim the coveted mirror ball.

Palin archrival Jennifer Grey has consistently received better scores from the judges, but sources say unnamed Tea Party operatives are prepared to "go negative" -- digging up dirt on the onetime "Dirty Dancing" star.

Today's video offers a harsh look at what might happen if two little girls discussed the extremes of Tea Party rhetoric while have a lovely tea party.

Introducing: The Daily Palin

Fact: The Sarah Palin industry is one of the fastest-growing segments of the U.S. economy (Main Street Journal).

The Daily Palin has learned this shrewd, shrewish celebu/poli/tainer plans piggyback her presidential announcement with the launch of her patriotic new book -- creating a Palinesque perfect storm that could crest into a full-blown lamestream media tsunami.

Throw in her hit reality TV show and Sarah Palin is white-hot. We're talkin' red, white and blue hot!

It's all very exhilarating, I know. But fear not, The Daily Palin is here to help you make satiric sense of the apparent madness.

Sure she's a whistlestop train wreck, but we are duty-bound to rubber-neck because -- love or hate her, adore or abhor her, worship her in-your-face family values or straight-up fear and loathe her, whether she sends a tingle up your spine or a grisly gag reflex up your gullet -- if Sarah takes aim at the White House, verbal bullets are bound to fly.

Chirp -- I think she just tweeted something about Barack Obama palling around with socialists!

Here at The Daily Palin, our crack team of Palintologists is poised to deliver in the ultimate in 24/7 expert coverage of the Palin phenomenon.

Each day, we'll bring you Palin perspectives, videos, jokes, links exclusive breaking fake news ("Sarah survives money avalanche!").

But wait, there's more! Throughout the coming weeks, we'll also publish our satiric companion to Palin's new best-seller. Inspired by the Barracuda Bard herself, we call it "(Real) America by Heart: Reflections on (Exploiting) Family, Faith and Flag (for Fun and Profit)."

(Sources say "America by Heart" is the next in a series of 60-70 Palin books, with future themes to include vampires, polar bears and left-wing zombies.)

So whether you find her Alaska drawl melodious or odious, whether you're just wild about Sarah or involuntarily tormented by the Wasilla Wonder -- this is a site for Palinistas of all political persuasions, from right-wing goons to left-wing loons and everyone in between.

The video on this page is noted American redneck savant Billy Buck Teefus reviewing our previous Palin parody, "Going Vogue."

Please stay tuned to The Daily Palin for cutting-edge Palinomic analysis of "real America." A magical land where a politically green, ex-beauty queen from the Great White North can take the GOP 'n' Tea Party by storm -- winking, strutting and tweeting her way down Main Street straight toward 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

November 21, 2010

Palin survives money avalance

Sarah Palin – fresh from a mountain-climbing expedition in her new TLC reality series “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” – has reportedly escaped injury in a terrifying money avalanche.

Palin apparently was trying to scale a steep, snow-capped pile of money outside her lakefront home in Wasilla, when the stack unexpectedly gave way – burying her under several tons of powder-green U.S. currency.

Sources say friends and family had warned Palin about standing to close to the money – a precarious mountain of cash heaped in an outdoor staging area until it can be counted and stored in one of her many giant vaults. Palin is believed to have reaped somewhere between $12 million and $500 billion since resigning as governor of Alaska.

November 10, 2010

Sarah Palin book review: 'Going Redneck'

Here to tell you that - if you like pitbulls and hockey moms and "real Americans" -- why, you ain't gonna find a better book than this here new best-seller from Miss Sarah Palin -- "Goin' Vogue."

Them that can read tells me it's getting poor reviews from the godless elite liberal media.

But I like Sarah Palin, cause she knows how to pander to lowest common denominator types like me. Plus, we both believe in the God-given right of every fetus to own a gun.

So go on out and get yerself a copy of "Goin' Vogue" -- why, it's chock full of homespun, common-sense misinformation about how to field dress Katie Couric and how to fight off one of President Obama's death panels.

November 9, 2010

Palin enters Miss Anti-America pageant

Good evening, I'm Humor Gazette news anchorman Reid Page and this is the 13 O'Clock News.

Sunday was Palin's last day as governor of Alaska, and now that the godless, East Coast liberal media has forced her to hand over her crown to the first runner-up, the former Miss Wasilla is aiming to become the first woman ever to claim a repeat title as Miss Communication.

Palin's natural flair for political pageantry endeared her to millions after John McCain crowned her Miss GOP Running Mate 2008, and the former Miss Alaska second runner-up strutted across that Bridge From Nowhere and wowed 'em with her lipstick on a pitbull hockey mom acceptance speech.

Critics dissed her as a dizzy diva, unqualified to run the country. But the popular Palin picked up several more titles out on the campaign trail, where she was crowned Miss Adventure, Miss Quotation and Miss Informed.

After the election, the glamorous governor continued to tout herself for the title of Miss Understood. However, sources say she missed the national spotlight in Alaska, where her hopes for fresh pageant glory seemed limited despite repeated nominations for Miss Behavior and Miss Conduct.

The moment she announced her resignation, the foxy newsmaker was widely hailed as Miss Leader. And now that she's quit, most pundits consider her a sexy, high-heeled shoo-in for Miss Calculation.

She can write those memoirs, keep posting bitter Tweet nothings on Twitter, and - if she plays her maverick cards right and gets more people to hate the socialist president -- many believe that by 2012 she could earn the ultimate title … Miss Anti-America.

November 5, 2010

How'd Diddy do on 'SNL'?

By CHRIS ELLIOTT Well, Diddy diddled with his name again. Did he? Yes, he did. Sean Combs, aka Puffy, aka Puff Daddy, aka Puff, aka P Diddy, aka Daddy Diddy, aka Sean John. Diddy’s new crew is called Diddy Dirty Money, the entertainment portion of tonight’s episode of SNL, and he was superb. I am in a default position of admiring Sean Combs’ business acumen and not his work, but I must give DDM a borderline rave review for this evening’s performance.

His first selection was “Coming Home,” a self-revelatory, partially arrhythmic rap vocal supported by a great arrangement featuring live drums and strings, and spectacular backing vocals. The mix was excellent, and DDM’s vocal was clearly articulated, and believe it or not, believable. He cites three song titles, the first being Smokey Robinson’s “Tears of a Clown,” stating that he has always hated the song, as he has always felt that it is about him. It may be tough to feel sympathy for the travails of a half- billionaire music and fashion mogul, but he effectively communicates the loss of sense of self that happens in the lives of many celebrities. DDM expresses that notion succinctly: “It’s easy to be Puff, it’s harder to be Sean.” (WATCH VIDEO)

Secondly he cites “A House is not a Home” by Dionne Warwick, another heartbreaking lyric for the Didster, as it underlines the surface nature of success relative to a rich, satisfying family life. He ends his song references with “Ain’t No Stopping Us Now,” holding its message up as trying to see the best of the path that led him to where he is, alongside a redemptive view of the future. Shakespeare it ain’t, but in its context, it is believable, sincere and heartfelt. The arrangement leaves plenty of free time at the ends of verses which DDM makes the most of, improvising and exhorting his band to make the most of the moment.

For his second piece, the Puffy one leaned more heavily on his back vocal lineup and secondary rapper, and all turn in a good enough performance. The secondary rapper is only okay, though he is not asked to do much, mostly repeating the song’s hook, “When you’re in the club you dance so low…” The backing vocalists had some minor pitch problems, but overall nailed the performance, and were a critical component of this super high energy dance club killer. The high point of the tune was again DDM’s contribution, and I’m sure he planned it that way. Overall high marks from this desk. A rose by any other is still a rose, as it is with a Diddy.

November 2, 2010

Cats give new Cheezburger book 2 paws up

November 1, 2010

Negative Ads: What if terrorists had to get elected?

I was sick of being bombarded by negative ads. So I made these satirical ... negative ads. Inspired by the question: What if terrorists had to get elected?

WATCH the three negative ads -- combined in a thought-provoking package -- at right.

Negative Ad: Extreme Politics
Marvin Smith is on record saying he thinks it's WRONG to stomp on the heads of one's political opponents …

Negative Ad Attacks Schoolchild
An ECONOMIC BURDEN to his family, Jimmy Jr. drains hard-earned TAXPAYER DOLLARS from his community …

November 30, 2010

Palin taps Joe the Plumber to plug WikiLeaks