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 Report:
Kim Jong-il launched military strike to woo Sarah Palin
A spokesman for Kim Jong-il would neither confirm nor
deny reports that the enigmatic North Korean dictator
attacked South Korea today because he has a crush on Sarah
Palin and wanted to catch her attention.
Apart from his love of WMDs, choreographed goose-stepping
and SpongeBob SquarePants, little is known about the reclusive
leader, who is rarely seen in public without his signature
18-inch platform shoes, old-school Commie jumpsuit and
pompadour hairstyle.
His birth in 1942 was said to be foretold by a mud dauber
wasp. Kim, who has a reputation as a cognac-guzzling playboy,
claims to have had steamy trysts with Angelina Jolie,
Queen Elizabeth and Sally Struthers. However, he denies
any romantic involvement with Bill O'Reilly or North Korean
Pam Anderson impersonator Bam Sanderson. Friends say he
spends hours on Match.com trolling for his "Seoul
mate."
 Known
to friends as "KJ" and "The Donger,"
Kim rules under an official state ideology called "Juche,"
which translates roughly as "starvation and brainwashing."
Each year, to demonstrate his benevolence, Kim gives every
family three packets of Ramen noodles and a Kim Jong-il
action figure.
He is said to enjoy long walks on the beach and cognac-fueled
picnics with 12-year-old Japanese girls kidnapped by his
aides. His hobbies include needlepoint, human-rights abuse
and raping small animals.
Regarded as part immortal by his subjects, he claims
to have invented the hyperbaric chamber, Kentucky Fried
Chicken and parts of the Internet. A seventh-degree black
belt in golf, he reports hitting 11 holes-in-one the first
time he played.
His favorite foods are lobster thermidor, Rice Krispies
and lollipops, and he enjoys playing American parlor games
such as Yahtzee, Battleship and Gnip Gnop.
 Kim
Jong-il recently anointed his son as his successor, and
sources say his lifelong addiction to cough syrup, cognac
and crack has caused health problems ranging from red
lung and pancreatic vapors to cardiac dragons or curvature
of the liver.
North Korean state media called reports about Kim's ill
health "a western conspiracy" and "not
fair and balanced."
Regarding his interest in Sarah Palin, a Kim spokesman
said to expect more
military strikes if Bristol does not win "Dancing
with the Stars."
Posted on November 23, 2010 2:27 PM
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