GOP strategy is win-win … for Osama

Somewhere in Pakistan, a guy in a cave his laughing his ass off at those idiot Republicans refusing to fund the health-care of 9/11 first responders.

Osama and the gang are also rooting for the GOP to nuke the START treaty. It's hard enough for terrorists to get loose nukes as it is.

Meanwhile in America, people are enjoying watching Republicans squirm to explain why they hate 9/11 heroes after two years of watching them put the politics of Obama negation ahead of positive action for the nation.

And so, emboldened by the success of a political strategy as noxious as the fumes at Ground Zero, the party that mastered exploiting the 2001 terrorist attacks for political gain let a 9/11 legislative no-brainer blow up in its face.

Self-inflicted collateral damage in the right's War on Obama. Fortunately, it looks like the president is three moves ahead of these clowns.

Good thing, because America faces a threat from dangerous extremists who don't care how many innocent people get hurt in pursuit of their ideology. And there are terrorists gunning for us, too.

Posted by John Breneman at 8:29 AM | Permalink

December 21, 2010

Harshmallow fluff: Sarah slams Michelle

Harshmallow fluff

Mama Grizzly bared her fangs while sating her sweet tooth Sunday night.

Sarah Palin had already dished some juicy soundbites slamming the first lady for her anti-childhood obesity campaign -- and Sunday night on "Sarah Palin's Alaska" she came back for s'more.

Demonstrating her evil genius for using even the most innocent moment to deliver an insult, Palin was gathering marshmallows for camping snacks when she jabbed Michelle Obama with a sharpened stick.

"Where are the s'mores ingredients? This is in honor of Michelle Obama, who said the other day we should not have dessert," Palin said (VIDEO). Some say she then muttered, "Yeah, that'll show her."

Whether off the cuff or scripted, the zinger reveals much about the self-styled mocky mom's path-illogical need to jeer.

Picking a feud with the beloved first lady for championing the health of America's children might seem like a bizarre political strategy -- but in the paranoid worldview Palin is pushing, everything bends back to an anti-Obama, anti-Big Government talking point. It's really Death Panels 101.

Yeah, first lady. "Get off our back," Palin had said in a Nov. 24 radio rant. (See: Junk-food politics*). Most analysts expect hating on the Obamas to be a key plank in Palin's 2012 presidential bridge to nowhere.

* Junk-food politics -- salty, brightly packaged soundbites that contain no nutritional or civic value.

Related story:
Palin cooks up half-baked Hillary slam with stale "cookie" quote

Tweet Nothings ("I just tweet; that's just the way I roll")

Caribou down! Sarah's reindeer slay

Study: Fox News causes cerebral hemorrhoids

Posted by John Breneman at 1:36 AM | Permalink

December 19, 2010

Study: Fox News causes cerebral hemorrhoids

Study shows Fox News causes cerebral hemorrhoids

Regular exposure to Fox News may cause intellectual anemia, brain damage and even cerebral hemorrhoids, according to a new study by University of Maryland.

The study confirmed what many have long suspected, that Fox News rots your brain with agenda-driven propaganda and ultimately leads to a cruel form of dementia called Rupert Murdoch Syndrome. A spokesman responded that Fox News' logo is "fair and balanced."

Some are now calling for a warning label in the lower left corner of particularly misleading Fox News broadcasts. Possible sample text: "The Surgeon General has determined that Glenn Beck's program contains harmful, toxic levels of misinformation, propaganda, arsenic, rat feces and tar."

Other side effects of prolonged exposure to Fox News may include degenerative ideological sclerosis, electile dysfunction and restless middle-finger syndrome.

Alleged Fox News victim Billy Buck Teefus, American redneck savant

*  *  *

Posted by John Breneman at 11:42 PM | Permalink

Holiday health alert: Stay away from myrrh

Myrrh may be hazardous to your health

If you were thinking about picking up some Christmas myrrh for the infant who has everything, word to the wise -- a report in this month's Bethlehem Journal of Medicine reveals it can cause a variety of ailments ranging from rickets to bubonic plague. MORE

Posted by John Breneman at 5:20 PM | Permalink

December 17, 2010

Manger Danger!! War on Christmas

MANGER DANGER!
War on Christmas causes self-inflicted wounds

(WIKILEAKS) URGENT DISPATCH:
FRONT LINES / WAR ON CHRISTMAS

Am under heavy fire from Intercontinental Ballistic Mistletoe. STOP

Fear the enemy has obtained Weapons of Midnight Mass Destruction. STOP

*  *  *

Ah, the War on Christmas rages once more. 'Tis the season.

Flairs up around this time each winter -- a right-wing holiday tradition that seems to bring more unintentional cheer with each passing year.

I know it sounds naughty, but Fox News knows there's money to be made pitting gullible God-fearing Christians against the hell-bound "Happy Holidays" crowd - exposing the persecution of gingerbread men and the deforestation of America's Christmas trees.

Gretchen Carlson of "Fox and Friends" got the memo from the Man Upstairs (no, not Him -- Ailes). She trumpeted this "crazy" (and sadly, false) story about a Florida school banning red and green, and rolled some silly tape. Soon after, Stephen Colbert lit her up like a holiday tree -- his mocking well-hung by the chimney with care. (Blitzkreig on Grinchitude)

The Gretch also grilled some Tulsa antichrist for sodomizing Christmas down in Oklahoma. In this "Daily Show" clip, her prosecutorial zeal is comically surreal -- she's on this guy like green on pine.

Christmas is supposed to be all Christian and non-materialistic -- a message Fox News Radio stooge John Gibson embraced by cashing in with a "War on Christmas" book. (The subtitle -- "How the Liberal Plot to Ban the Sacred Christian Holiday is Worse Than You Thought" - suggests the man is not hauling a full sack of presents.)

But this year's Sergeant Shultz and Colonel Klink in the War on Christmas have to be GOP Sens. Jon Kyl and Jim DeMint. Kyl accused Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid of "disrespecting one of the two holiest of holidays for Christians." DeMint chimed in with more phony piety -- calling Democratic efforts to do the people's business in the two weeks around Christmas "sacrilegious."

The two were slapped around by many, including Brig. Gen. John Adams, who pointed out: "We have one-hundred-and-fifty-thousand U.S. warriors doing their job over Christmas and the New Year, the U.S. Senate should do its job." "Morning Joe" Scarborough nailed 'em too -- calling their criticisms of the Senate leader "un-Christlike."

Jiminy Christmas -- how stupid do these disingenuous GOP-holes think the American people are? I suppose their excuse is they're just playing to their constituents in the Jingle Belt. Poor saps. All they were doing was angling for a new way to screw Obama -- surely they didn't mean to deploy Jesus as a political weapon.

Must be vigilant for crude, homemade tannen-bombs. STOP

*  *  *

Santa wounded in War on Christmas

Brett Favre paralyzed, comatose -- ready to play!

Posted by John Breneman at 2:29 AM | Permalink

December 15, 2010

Tweet nothings

Tweet nothings

"I just tweet; that's just the way I roll."

Not exactly Descartes ("I tweet therefore I am"), but that's about as profound as it gets with Sarah Palin.

In that economical 40-character, spoken-word quote to The New York Times Magazine, she summed up her mavericky strategy for using Twitter (335,000 followers) and Facebook (2.5 million followers) to bypass the lamestream media and deliver barely coherent, agenda-driven rhetoric directly to the people.

Whether she's scolding Obama, threatening to sue the media or literally targeting political enemies with actual rifle sights, Sarah Palin is revolutionizing political communication with her unique brand of (anti)social networking.

That controversial tax-cuts compromise you've been hearing about? Palin used Twitter to share her "views" on the deal: "Tweety tweety tweety tweet," tweeted Palin, adding, "Tweedle-dee."

Think that sounds silly or confusing? Here's the actual text: "Obviously Obama is so very, very wrong on the economy & spins GOP tax cut goals; so fiscal conservatives: we expect you to fight for us &..."

I suppose I could ramble on about the genius of climaxing her missive with the ampersand-elipsis cliffhanger," but these decipherers parse the above befuddler far better than I ever could. (Jennifer Rubin, Washington Post  /  Jason Easley, PoliticusUSA)

Yes, her every tweet is red meat for one camp or another. And she has mastered the art of deploying Facebook as a political weapon. Her infamous (Aug. 7, 2009) "death panels" post is some stone-cold Willie Horton thuggery. You thought Obama "palling around with terrorists" was bad-ass…

"The America I know and love is not one in which my parents or my baby with Down Syndrome will have to stand in front of Obama's "death panel" so his bureaucrats can decide … whether they are worthy of health care. Such a system is downright evil."

Her invention of the fictitious "death panel" to bludgeon the "evil" Obama is now legendary. She reportedly softened the post from an earlier draft in which she planned to accuse Obama of smothering the elderly with government-issued pillows.

(Typical follower's reaction: Wow, Sarah -- that's really unbelievable. Thanks for spreading the word about how Obama's trying to destroy America.)

Could Palin actually tweet her way to the presidency? Eleven characters: You betcha.

Hey, if only he'd had the technology, Abraham Lincoln might be best remembered for his Gettysburg … Tweet? Picture Franklin D. Roosevelt -- inspiring America with his fireside tweets. Or @JFK: Tweet not what your country can do for you...

Caution: Don't be being fooled by the many fake Palin Twitter accounts (@ObamaSlayer2012, @ImpeachKenyaPrez). For the uninitiated, it can be difficult to tell an authentic Palin-penned Tweet (example: "Don't Retreat, Instead -- RELOAD!") from a bogus one ("SHOOT a godless liberal congressman TODAY!").

So remember: A tweet accusing President Obama of drinking blood from the skulls of unborn illegal aliens is only legit if it comes from Sarah's official feed -- @SarahPalinUSA.

Finally, I want to go on record being the first to predict that – sometime in early 2011 – Palin will attempt to deflect criticism from one of her ridiculous 140-character policy statements or slams by claiming she was “mistweeted” by the lamestream media.

Posted by John Breneman at 8:57 AM | Permalink

December 13, 2010

Loaded for bear: Gosselin rides shotgun with Palin

Kate Gosselin survived her showdown with a heavily armed Palin by cutting short their rain-soaked camping adventure, gathering up her litter of eight and high-tailing it back to the Lower 48.

In a bears-and-bullets story line intended to contrast Palin's boasty ruggedness with Gosselin's gun-shy wussiness, Yosemite Sarah squeezed off shotgun blasts with near-cartoonish vigor. This week's excuse for Palin to demonstrate her Second Amendment prowess was a course in bear safety (her contract requires that at least one hail of gunfire per episode).

Last Sunday, under the pretense of filling the freezer for her hungry family, (Operation: Reindeer Slay) she went on a $2.4 million (or whatever) caribou safari. After several entertaining misfires, she "bagged an animal" -- scoring some sweet, free-range caribou meat that the Alaska Dispatch estimated cost $200 a pound.

Hyped as a must-see, reality TV Kodiak moment, the Mama Grizzly drama fizzled when -- after a riveting exchange of horrified grimaces and OMG eye-rolls -- Gosselin bailed on Palin, having endured as much as she could bear.

(Safety tip: If you encounter a Palin in the wild, remain calm and slowly back away while reciting the Pledge of Allegiance.)

RELATED LINKS:
Jimmy Kimmel's heavily armed "Palins vs. Gossselins" spoof video (photo above)

Posted by John Breneman at 9:35 AM | Permalink

December 9, 2010

Caribou down! Sarah's reindeer slay

Gunnin' for the White House

When reality TV superstar Sarah Palin knocked off a caribou for the cameras, the rifle shot reverberated across the Republican Party's presidential short list.

Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty reportedly scrambled outside to blast a deer, Newt Gingrich boasted of gunning down an illegal alien and former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee spanked a monkey.

Mitt Romney had to be talked out of renting a tank and former Vice President Dick Cheney shot a guy in the face for old times' sake.

The quadrennial ritual of presidential wannabes taking up arms (and donning brand-new blaze orange) is a transparently choreographed salute to the Second Amendment and the NRA -- a big game that promises to be even more cartoonish in Election 2012 as Palin's caribou kill shot echoes from Alaska to Iowa.

By busting a cap into that reindeer's face, Palin fired a warning shot aimed at a certain confused pack of elephants -- she is the hunter and they are the prey. Reload!

RELATED STORIES:
Aaron Sorkin: Palin's a 'phony' Elmer Fudd (Huffington Post)
CSI: Alaska -- was it fake? (Daily Kos)

Alexandra Petri 'unimpressed' at Grizzly spectacle (Washington Post)
OLDIES: Cheney slays 12 in 21-gun salute  /  Cheney accidentally detonates nuclear weapon

FAKE ADS:
For Christmas: Sarah Palin video game -- "Gall of Duty"
Sarah Palin's In-Your-Face Cream   (* for Ultra-Thin Skin)

Posted by John Breneman at 12:38 PM | Permalink

December 8, 2010

WikiLeaks to dish dirt on Palin, Lohan, Kim Jong-il

Palin presidential
poster design leaked

Cyber-blabbermouth Julian Assange is threatening more leaks -- sources say he's poised to dish shocking secrets about Sarah Palin's presidential plans, Hamid Karzai's opium addiction and Lindsay Lohan's nuclear readiness.

Now in custody, the WikiLeaks provocateur claims to possess a "poison pill" cache of documents jampacked with juicy geopolitical trash talk and government skullduggery.

Assange said associates are under orders to detonate the dirt bomb if he is held against his will, poisoned by a shadowy figure in a trenchcoat or shipped to Guantanamo for waterboarding.

What's in the next WikiLeaks leak?
(advance leak excerpts leaked to The Daily Palin)
-- Location of Kim Jong-il's swanky underground sex bunker
-- Birth certificate for Glenn Beck/Mahmoud Ahmadinejad love child
-- Blueprints for a terror mosque to be built near the Statue of liberty
-- Internal Fox News documents instructing commentators to use the following terms when talking about President Obama: "communist, facist, racist, elitist, egotist, czarist, Muslim extremist, radical Islamist, militant leftist, socialist, antisocialist, anarchist, Leninist, Stalinist, Marxist, Maoist, Hitlerist, Idi Amin-ist, Darwinist, Confucianist, jack-bootist, pro-abortionist, brown supremacist."
-- Test designs for "Palin 2012" presidential posters

Other shocking secrets at risk of being revealed:
-- The Tea Party movement still hasn't figured out it's being exploited by the corporate-owned GOP.
-- Internal GOP talking points confirm #1 goal is "destroying Obama," wrecking middle class is "collateral damage."
-- Congressional Republicans favor trickle-down economics because their share of the trickle is a Category 5 cash tsunami.

RELATED STORIES:
Alexandra Petri: WikiLeaks has goods on 'Mother Teresa' (Washington Post)

McCain 'assumes maverick position' on gays in military

Sen. John McCain's hypocritical, political, ever-changing excuses for blocking repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell inspired this Letterman-style Top 11 list

Posted by John Breneman at 1:27 PM | Permalink

December 7, 2010

Monopoly game rigged: Luxury tax deal cut!