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January 18, 2011
Talk to the Hannity: Palin says left won't 'shut me up'
Talk to the Hannity: Palin says
left won't 'shut me up'
 By
John Breneman
Still smarting from her non-role in the Arizona shooting,
Sarah Palin last night reminded millions of Fox viewers
that the right of free speech does not come with a responsibility
of coherence.
In a blockbuster interview with colleague Sean Hannity
last night, Palin wove defensive talking points into her
trademark rambling gibberish, spinning free of Hannity's
softballs to stick it to those hateful lefties (unofficial
transcript).
Her main point: It was unfair, actually "reprehensible,"
to examine the possible role of inflammatory right-wing
rhetoric and images in the actions of an "apolitical
or perhaps even left-leaning criminal."
Got that? Unfair to talk about her alleged bullseye/"Reload!"
call to arms. Perfectly OK to talk about the shooter as
a possible "left-leaning criminal."
Because in Palin's world right is righteous and left is
evil.
"I mean it reminds me that those on the left -- if
it weren't for their double standards, they'd have no standards."
Oh, snap! An oldie but a goodie. Palin liked that pre-planned
zinger so much, she used it again to duck Hannity's second
futile attempt to elicit any insight about her "blood
libel" comment.
"Blah, blah, blah," said Palin. "So, again,
it was part of that double standard thing and goes back
to if it weren't for those double standards, what standards
would they have, I suppose." Take that, lefties!
Palin was correct about one thing: "I know that a
lot of those on the left hate my message."
Yes, many on the left are disgusted by her message -- that
America's president hates America, pals around with terrorists
and wants to kill your grandmother. And that his wife is
evil, too.
 Even
Hannity must have been frustrated about being BS'd by a
colleague he was trying to help out of a jam. She couldn't
deliver a straight answer to any of his questions -- even
one about the target map being removed from her Web site.
 Hannity
invited Palin to engage in honest reflection about the role
of weaponized rhetoric and images in our political discourse.
After all, the nation was still eager to hear her sincere
views on the unfortunate coincidence: that a congresswoman
whom Palin had targeted with a bullseye on a map and a call
to "Reload!" -- and who admonished Palin on video
that such actions have "consequences" -- was shot
in the head.
But Palin's answer to any criticism -- or even a simple
request for straight talk -- is always the same. "They're
not going to shut me up."
No surprise that Hannity's interview sidestepped the question
Palin will never answer: How did you feel seeing the video
in which Rep. Giffords says, "We're on Sarah Palin's
targeted list ... (with) the crosshairs of a gun sight over
our district. When people do that, they've got to realize
there are consequences to that action"?
For that is a question that intrudes on the narrative that
Palin and her fellow right-wing bomb throwers are the true
victims.
 * * *
American
spirit triumphs at Arizona memorial
Fox
clears Palin in Arizona massacre, targets left
Dear
Sarah: advice columnist
Posted by John Breneman at 11:50 AM | Permalink
January 13, 2011
Obama summons America's better angels in Arizona
American spirit triumphs at Arizona
memorial
 By
John Breneman
When President Obama announced last night
in Arizona that "Gabby opened her eyes for the first
time," tears began to stream from mine.
Then I wished for Sarah Palin to open her
eyes, and her heart, because yesterday was a day of healing.
The president saw that clearly and responded
with true leadership and uplifting words at the memorial
for the victims of the Arizona massacre.
CLICK
HERE FOR MORE
Posted by John Breneman at 8:42 AM | Permalink
January 11, 2011
Washington: 'Shining' city upon a hill
Washington: 'Shining' city upon a hill
 By
John Breneman
Turns out a mental condition was to blame for the Arizona
tragedy. Not only that, the shooter was mentally
ill, too.
Yes, I'm saying our entire political-media industrial complex
is mentally deranged. Unhinged. Bonkers. Psycho.
What other diagnosis is possible for an allegedly reasonable,
Democratic system in which the president is routinely demonized
as a foreign-born, racist, Nazi who hates white people and
wants to kill your grandmother?
A rich-get-richer society in which rabid forces protect
the rights of psychos to have machine guns?
A public forum that fails to hold leaders accountable for
poisoning the air with shouts of: "Armed and dangerous!"
"Second Amendment remedies!" and "Don't retreat
-- RELOAD!"
It is difficult to understand, but somehow our entire political
system seems to have slipped through the mental-health safety
net -- despite all the red flags.
Yes, dear citizens. With apologies to Ronald Reagan and
Jack Nicholson, our beloved Washington D.C. has become a
"Shining" city upon a hill.
Posted by John Breneman at 9:26 AM | Permalink
January 10, 2011
Fox clears Palin in Ariz. massacre, targets left
Fox clears Palin
in Arizona massacre, targets left
By
John Breneman
Sarah Palin's metaphorical trigger finger reportedly has tested negative
for gunshot residue from the Arizona massacre.
Forensic analysis will reveal that the shooting of U.S.
Rep. Gabrielle Giffords and slaying of six others was actually
the work of a lone lunatic named Jared Lee Loughner (not
Sarah Palin).
 A
spokesman issued a statement
clarifying that when Palin featured Rep. Giffords and other Democrats
on a hit list, mapped their locations with bullseyes and
urged supporters to "RELOAD," she did not intend
for anyone to literally shoot the evil Dems she had targeted
with crosshairs.
The spokesman explained that while Palin enjoys using
guns-and-ammo imagery to stoke the political climate and
boost her outdoorsy image, she resents having it backfire.
Fox News today officially ruled out Palin as a suspect,
focusing instead on the true villain -- the Arizona sheriff
who suggested that hateful political "vitriol"
may have had a role in the massacre.
Issuing a correct but transparently self-serving call for rhetorical restraint
(intended to pre-empt criticism about its own culpability
in the toxic environment), Fox trotted out commentators
to bash anyone raising the obvious question of whether the
visceral political anger cultivated by the right could incite
actual Second Amendment remedies.
Finding itself in the unusual position of tamping down
heated rhetoric rather than stoking it, Fox urged restraint
-- suggesting it is wrong to discuss the impact of political
hate speech in America because here is no smoking-gun proof
that Loughner was motivated by political rhetoric.
 Tea
Party strategist Sal Russo slammed the left as "irresponsible"
for such speculation -- irresponsibly speculating that the
shooter was "obviously a left-wing anarchist."
(Russo concluded with a seemingly irrelevant slam against
President Obama for running around "apologizing"
about America. Perhaps due to the solemnity of the situation,
he generously omitted the Nazi president's penchant for
"palling around with terrorists.")
Another Fox talking head dared Obama to defuse the nasty
political climate that Fox has meticulously cultivated and
exploited -- concluding her call for statesmanship by dubbing
the president "a bit of a robot."
Meanwhile, the NRA is gearing up to battle anyone who seeks
to make it harder for mentally deranged people to obtain
semiautomatic weapons. (Look for a sweet new campaign targeting
advocates of more sensible gun laws with crosshairs and
bullseyes!)
* * *
Related:
David
Frum: What Sarah Palin should have said about Tucson shooting
Dear
Sarah: advice columnist
Posted by John Breneman at 12:31 PM | Permalink
January 7, 2011
Tweety Bird sues Twitter for $500M
Tweety Bird sues Twitter for $500M
 By
John Breneman
Twitter, the phenomenally popular social networking service,
faces a massive lawsuit that threatens to cripple its ability
to transmit millions of inane messages known as "tweets."
13 O'Clock News has learned that beloved cartoon icon Tweety
Bird is suing Twitter for $500 million. (See
VIDEO.)
Attorneys for diminutive yellow bird charge that Twitter,
whose logo is a diminutive blue bird, is guilty of "toppy-white
infwinz-ment" and theft of "inta-wectual pwa-puddy."
The suit also requests unspecified damages for "pain
and tuffawing."
A spokesman for Mr. Bird demanded that Twitter cease and
desist from using the term "tweet" in its business
practices - claiming that it is confusing consumers and negatively
impacting the Tweety Bird product line of pajamas, lunchboxes,
fridge magnets, bobbleheads and speech impediment DVDs.
However, technology analysts say Mr. Bird may simply be hoping
to cash in on the meteoric micro-blogging service before it
is displaced by the next cyberspace flash-in-the-pan.
Studies show that many users quit Twittering after the first
15-30 minutes, and that Twitter is already losing ground to
such newly emerging rivals as Fritter, DillyDally, TimeSuck
and LollyGag.com.
And while supporters point to its vital role spreading real-time
information about the unrest in Iran, critics say the service
is used primarily by time-wasting tech nerds to share news
of their latest bowel movement, and by pompous celebrities
to validate their gargantuan egos.
Other new services vying to become the next big thing include:
WhySpace, Babble, iChatter and Spammy.
Also: Yammer, BrainFreeze, SlackBerry and AssBook.
In other legal news:
Ex-Chihuahua
sues Paris Hilton
Posted by John Breneman at 9:51 AM | Permalink
January 6, 2011
GOP death panel eyes 'job-killing' Obamacare
GOP death squad eyes 'job-killing' Obamacare
I think I've figured out why the Republicans give their
bill such a snarky title.
An act to repeal the:
The Socialist, Neo-Nazi, Job-Killing,
Elderly-Smothering, Anti-American, Unconstitutional, Jammed-Down-Our-Throats,
Keep-Your-Stinking-Government-Hands-Off-My-Medicare, Tax-and-Spend-Liberal
Health Care Law
 Forgive
them, for they suffer a pre-existing condition.
It's a rare combination of electile dysfunction, cerebral
hemorrhoids and congressional meningitis.
Their condition appears serious -- aggravated by political
(though fortunately not moral) discomfort when asked why
they both utilize and oppose publicly funded health care.
Tests show they may also suffer from:
-- Ideological leprosy
-- Unmitigated gallstones
-- Esophageal bloviation
-- Male-pattern hypocrisy
-- Soul weevils
-- Post-traumatic soiled-pants syndrome
-- Degenerative pharmaceutical-industrial complex
In the video
below (right), I run through some of the additional risks
of exposure to health-care reform rhetoric (including restless
middle finger syndrome).
Finally, some fool-proof investment advice: Buy bananas!!
Stephen Colbert was rollicking last night spoofing Glenn
Beck's Goldline scam with his pitch for Yellowline. Confession: I love Colbert so much I made this
ridiculous video (below left) pledging allegiance
to his Americone Dream Ice Cream.
This just in (five years ago):
French
doctors perform first ass transplant
 Also
today: A shout out to Bartcop,
an awesome political/humor site serving the Internets since
roughly 1842. A testament to their excellent taste in humor
is their not infrequent linkage to our satiric exclusives.
Posted by John Breneman at 1:21 AM | Permalink
January 4, 2011
Dear Sarah (advice column)
 I
don't know … but Alaska
What if Rupert Murdoch hired Sarah Palin as an advice columnist
for his newspaper empire? Here, readers write in with questions
and Sarah does her best Dear Abby.
* * *
Dear Sarah,
I campaigned hard to obtain a really important and challenging
job, but now I'm bored with it because I unexpectedly got
famous and have a chance to make a ton of money doing other,
easier stuff. Thing is, a whole bunch of people put their
faith and trust in me, so I'd kind of be letting them down.
What should I do?
-- Star Struck
Dear Star Struck,
Quit,
baby, quit!! Caring about folks who put their faith
in you is sweet, but frankly a little naïve. If the
responsibilities of your job are holding you back, point
your Christian Louboutins toward the door and start walkin',
girlfriend. Like I always say, no harm in burnin' a Bridge
to Nowhere!
And don't let the haters call you a quitter.
* * *
Dear Sarah,
I am 8 years old. A man on TV said there's no such thing
as a death panel. What
you wrote on Facebook about death panels helped
me understand what a bad man President Obama is, but now
I'm not sure what to believe in or who to hate. Please tell
me the truth -- is there a death panel?
-- Virginia O'Hanlon
 Yes
Virginia, there is a death panel. Don't let the lamestream
media spin you with their gotcha anti-death panel agenda
and their elite, liberal "facts." Alas, how dreary
the health-care debate would be if there were no death panel.
Just because there's no evidence of a death panel doesn't
mean one doesn't exist. Or couldn't, hypothetically. It's
common sense, really. Obamacare is evil. A death panel is
evil. Therefore Obamacare has a death panel. Probably lots
of them. Stay in school, Virginia. And just say no to premarital
sex and progressive ideology!
* * *
Dear Sarah,
I just shot a liberal congressman in my district. You know,
one of those jerks who you marked with a bull's-eye on your
Web site. But I just checked the Web site and it didn't
specify what I was supposed to do with the body. Now I'm
in prison. What do you advise?
-- Lone Whackjob
Dear Whackjob,
Um. First off, my lawyers tell me it's essential to state
for the record that I was in no way advocating violence
when I targeted candidates with bull's-eyes and urged my
followers to Reload!" I meant it metaphorically, y'know
-- it's not my fault if some anti-gun, tax-and-spend liberal
gets Second Amendmented.
Anyway, challenging situations like yours call for common-sense
solutions -- like focusing on family, faith and the flag.
Do five Hail Marys and six Pledge of Allegiances. Then look
inward and ask yourself, if He were in your shoes, what
would Joe the Plumber do? Or Jesus.
Stay
tuned here for more DEAR SARAH
 * * *
ALSO: Ring in 2011 with ... The
John Boehner Diet !!
* * *
 SHOUT
OUT to The
Political Carnival, a cool, outstanding site that
shared The John Boehner Diet with readers and had a kind
word for The Daily Palin.
Posted by John Breneman at 1:02 AM | Permalink
January 3, 2011
The John Boehner Diet !!
 The
John Boehner Diet !!
In a world of red vs. blue -- only one man has the guts
to go orange.
And now that he's about to become Speaker of the House,
everybody's dying to know the secret to John Boehner's smoldering
apricot complexion.
The Daily Palin has obtained exclusive details about this
hard-drinking, hard-smoking, oft-sobbing SOB's unique nutritional
regimen. This from a source close to the sous chef who prepares
Boehner's carrots, yams and tangerine meringue pie.
Breakfast: 1 orange, 12-oz. glass Tang
Lunch: 2 oranges, 1 carrot
Dinner: Orange-roasted lame duck, yams,
Dessert: 4 oz. orange sherbert
(8-12 screwdrivers, optional)
(SEE
PHOTOSHOP VERSION)
This is the same diet that sustains Boehner as he inhales
hundreds of thousands of dollars from Big Tobacco
(and untold soft money from the citrus industry).
The same diet that that will keep the pumpkin-faced pugilist
in top form for his upcoming firefights with President Obama,
who is on record mocking his orange-skinned rival as a "person
of color, although not a color that appears in the natural
world." (VIDEO:
Obama cracking wise at 2009 White House Correspondents Dinner)
One further advantage to Boehner's year-round Jack-o-lantern
glow: Dick Cheney won't accidentally bust a load of buckshot
into his blaze-orange mug. (Related
story: Cheney slays 12 in 21-gun salute)
Related items:
One cat's New Year's resolutions
The Amazing Miracle Diet !!
Hate exercise? Hire an exorcist
Posted by John Breneman at 3:05 AM | Permalink
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