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 I
don't know … but Alaska
What if Rupert Murdoch hired Sarah Palin as an advice columnist
for his newspaper empire? Here, readers write in with questions
and Sarah does her best Dear Abby.
* * *
Dear Sarah,
I campaigned hard to obtain a really important and challenging
job, but now I'm bored with it because I unexpectedly got
famous and have a chance to make a ton of money doing other,
easier stuff. Thing is, a whole bunch of people put their
faith and trust in me, so I'd kind of be letting them down.
What should I do?
-- Star Struck
Dear Star Struck,
Quit,
baby, quit!! Caring about folks who put their faith
in you is sweet, but frankly a little naïve. If the
responsibilities of your job are holding you back, point
your Christian Louboutins toward the door and start walkin',
girlfriend. Like I always say, no harm in burnin' a Bridge
to Nowhere!
And don't let the haters call you a quitter.
* * *
Dear Sarah,
I am 8 years old. A man on TV said there's no such thing
as a death panel. What
you wrote on Facebook about death panels helped
me understand what a bad man President Obama is, but now
I'm not sure what to believe in or who to hate. Please tell
me the truth -- is there a death panel?
-- Virginia O'Hanlon
 Yes
Virginia, there is a death panel. Don't let the lamestream
media spin you with their gotcha anti-death panel agenda
and their elite, liberal "facts." Alas, how dreary
the health-care debate would be if there were no death panel.
Just because there's no evidence of a death panel doesn't
mean one doesn't exist. Or couldn't, hypothetically. It's
common sense, really. Obamacare is evil. A death panel is
evil. Therefore Obamacare has a death panel. Probably lots
of them. Stay in school, Virginia. And just say no to premarital
sex and progressive ideology!
* * *
Dear Sarah,
I just shot a liberal congressman in my district. You know,
one of those jerks who you marked with a bull's-eye on your
Web site. But I just checked the Web site and it didn't
specify what I was supposed to do with the body. Now I'm
in prison. What do you advise?
-- Lone Whackjob
Dear Whackjob,
Um. First off, my lawyers tell me it's essential to state
for the record that I was in no way advocating violence
when I targeted candidates with bull's-eyes and urged my
followers to Reload!" I meant it metaphorically, y'know
-- it's not my fault if some anti-gun, tax-and-spend liberal
gets Second Amendmented.
Anyway, challenging situations like yours call for common-sense
solutions -- like focusing on family, faith and the flag.
Do five Hail Marys and six Pledge of Allegiances. Then look
inward and ask yourself, if He were in your shoes, what
would Joe the Plumber do? Or Jesus.
Stay
tuned here for more DEAR SARAH
 * * *
ALSO: Ring in 2011 with ... The
John Boehner Diet !!
* * *
 SHOUT
OUT to The
Political Carnival, a cool, outstanding site that
shared The John Boehner Diet with readers and had a kind
word for The Daily Palin.
Posted on January 4, 2011 1:02 AM
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