The Humor Gazette: May 2011 Archives

Oprah has broadcast her final show, launched her OWN network and announced plans to star opposite George Clooney and Danny DeVito in "O, Sister Where Art Thou?"

What could possibly be next for the beloved Queen of the United States of Omerica?

The Humor Gazette has learned that Winfrey will stage a multibillion-dollar Broadway blockbuster titled "Phantom of the Oprah" -- an epic production featuring the music of Prince, Queen Latifah and Kings of Leon, and starring Rachael Ray as young Oprah, Dr. Phil as Rod Blagojevich and Tom Cruise as Spider-Man.

May 12, 2011

Newt announces presidential slither

One of the slimiest politicians in U.S. history announced a presidential bid today, prompting involuntary gag reflexes throughout the human and animal communities.

Newt Gingrich, noted right-wing amphibian, wriggled into the race for the Reptilian nomination, vowing to return America to a time when hypocrisy reigned supreme -- a time when a soulless douche could get famous by trying to run the president out of Washington for fooling around with an intern while he himself was also cheating on his wife.

Critics say Gingrich's re-emergence signals the need for America to have an "adultery conversation" -- specifically about the four-legged contender's utter lack of morals.

Political analysts say Gingrich distinguishes itself from the rest of the GOP presidential field with its ability to regenerate limbs, eyes, intestines, and upper and lower jaws.

Supporters say Newt can also secrete enough tetrodotoxin to kill a 180-pound liberal.

Voters are urged to avoid allowing Gingrich to come into contact with mucous membranes. In the event of accidental contact, vigorous hand-washing techniques should be employed.

May 5, 2011

Gummy bears banned from commercial flights

The Transportation Security Administration today announced new airline security restrictions to ensure heightened vigilance following the death of Osama bin Laden.

Passengers on commercial flights will no longer be able to carry on the following liquids: Nitroglycerin, chicken soup, shampoo bombs, goat milk, barrels of crude oil and vintage Chateau Lafite Rothschild.

Additional banned liquids include: Clorox, bouillabaise, monkey tears, holy water and Aunt Jemima maple syrup. Also: absinthe, Chinese black vinegar, 30-packs of Pabst Blue Ribbon and Paul Newman's Islamic Vinaigrette Dressing.

Also prohibited from the passenger compartment: Assault rifles (toy and actual), Pez dispensers, rotary phones, charcoal briquettes, Ninja death stars and most hand grenades. Other banned items: Frozen caribou steaks, stink bombs, pinking shears, acetylene torches and kilos of cocaine.

Also: PVC tubing, night-vision goggles, deep-sea diving apparatus, fake passports, cucumbers wrapped in tin foil, Ronco bottle and jar cutters, moth balls, Preparation W, subversive literature, acorns, unstable uranium and myrrh.

Humor Gazette

Posted by John Breneman at 10:39 AM | Permalink

May 3, 2011

Extremist Makeover: Mock obituary for Osama

OBIT: Osama bin Laden, evildoer, 54

Osama bin Laden -- long considered the world's biggest (expletive) -- died suddenly today.

He was 54.

The world's second-biggest (expletive), Donald Trump, said he was honored to assume the title, as the Internet exploded with reports of Trump demanding to see bin Laden's death certificate.

U.S. forces raided bin Laden's swanky Pakistan hideout, where the cowardly terror kingpin was identified by facial recognition -- immediately followed by facial receiving of American bullets, bitch.

His identity was confirmed by fingerprints, DNA and the "Martyrs Do it in the Afterlife" tattoo on his left bicep.

Also killed in the U.S. offensive, bin Laden's turban stylist, his longtime manicurist and his beloved hamster, Mr. Nibbles.

Born in into a wealthy family in Saudi Arabia, bin Laden is remembered as an academic prodigy at the elite terror academy, Jihad Prep. Recalled one former instructor, "By the time Osama reached sixth grade he was already hating America at a ninth-grade level."

A past president of the Fraternal Order of Spineless Terrorists Local 666, bin Laden rose to prominence as host of the popular Saudi game show "Who Wants to Murder an Infidel."

Long criticized for perverting the peaceful Muslim religion, bin Laden reportedly spent two hours a day praying for a bowel movement and another three hours playing Sudoku. In his spare time he enjoyed needlepoint, watching "Jersey Shore" reruns and picking dung beetles out of his mangy beard

Widely credited with brainwashing even more gullible morons than Glenn Beck, he also enjoyed plotting the destruction of humanity and grooving to the music of Barry Manilow. Other hobbies included firing automatic weapons on grainy, homemade videotapes and spending "quiet time" with his donkeys.

Friends say he will be remembered as a role model for dimwitted young psychopaths.

"He never met a non-Muslim he didn't hate," said Ayman "Al" Zawahiri, a colleague and possible successor. "And he never let respect for human life stand in the way of his murderous ideology."

Experts say bin Laden's loss will be strongly felt in Islamist terror circles, as the Internet crackles with chatter about who'll take his place as catcher on the al-Qaeda softball team.

Services will be held tomorrow at Fatwa Brothers Funeral Home. In lieu of flowers and dates, donations may be made in Bin Laden's name to the Armageddon Fund or the Inhumane Society.

Related stories:
GOP strategy is win-win ... for bin Laden -- Dec. 22, 2010

Bush flip-flops on Osama ("not that concerned about him") -- Oct. 14, 2004

Al-Qaeda snatches Paris Hilton -- June 12, 2006

Bin Laden straw-hat disguise not fooling CIA -- April 6, 2005

Bin Laden linked to Satan's pig-monkey

After the attacks of Sept. 11, 2001, Humor Gazette editor John Breneman embedded himself in the war on terror (at an undisclosed location), vowing to remain vigilant in his First Amendment duty to shock and awe the evildoers and politicians alike with a relentless satire offensive.

"Our failure to publish stories like 'Bush suffers from Iraq-tile Dysfunction' would be a victory for the terrorist asswipes," he said.

The Gazette scooped its rivals at the New York Times, the Onion and Al-Jazeera with stories like 'Al Qaeda's #2 man is cowardly piece of dung.' Below are some of the exclusives that helped earn the Gazette a Pull-it Surprise nomination:

Good riddance: Abu Musab al-Zarqawi dead -- June 9, 2006	Bin Laden plans debut on satellite radio -- Jan. 20, 2006	Al Qaeda reports declining revenues in fiscal '05 -- Dec. 19, 2005
Al-Zarqawi's approval rating falls -- Nov. 25, 2005	Terrorists revealed to be morons -- July 22, 2005	London attack heightens worldwide hatred of spineless terrorist jerks -- July 8, 2005
Suicide bombers get cold feet, call in sick -- June 6, 2005	Mother's Day card yields clues on bin Laden -- May 9, 2005	Bin Laden eludes Wile E. Coyote -- March 28, 2004
Comic bomb: Bush slays 'em with WMD gag -- March 26, 2004	Voice on latest bin Laden tape revealed to be Pee-Wee Herman -- Nov. 19, 2002	Rebuilding Afghanistan in our image -- Dec. 10, 2001