|
« Boehner weeps at amusement park opening |
Page One
| Gummy bears banned from commercial flights »
OBIT: Osama bin Laden, evildoer, 54
Osama bin Laden -- long considered the world's biggest (expletive)
-- died suddenly today.
 He was 54.
The world's second-biggest (expletive), Donald
Trump, said he was honored to assume the title, as the Internet
exploded with reports of Trump demanding to see bin Laden's death certificate.
U.S. forces raided bin Laden's swanky Pakistan hideout,
where the cowardly terror kingpin was identified by facial recognition
-- immediately followed by facial receiving of American bullets, bitch.
His identity was confirmed by fingerprints, DNA and the
"Martyrs Do it in the Afterlife" tattoo on his left bicep.
Also killed in the U.S. offensive, bin Laden's turban stylist,
his longtime manicurist and his beloved hamster, Mr. Nibbles.
Born in into a wealthy family in Saudi Arabia, bin Laden
is remembered as an academic prodigy at the elite terror academy, Jihad
Prep. Recalled one former instructor, "By the time Osama reached
sixth grade he was already hating America at a ninth-grade level."
A past president of the Fraternal Order of Spineless Terrorists
Local 666, bin Laden rose to prominence as host of the popular Saudi game
show "Who Wants to Murder an Infidel."
Long criticized for perverting the peaceful Muslim religion,
bin Laden reportedly spent two hours a day praying for a bowel movement
and another three hours playing Sudoku. In his spare time he enjoyed needlepoint,
watching "Jersey Shore" reruns and picking dung beetles out
of his mangy beard
Widely credited with brainwashing even more gullible morons
than Glenn Beck, he also enjoyed plotting the destruction of humanity
and grooving to the music of Barry Manilow. Other hobbies included firing
automatic weapons on grainy, homemade videotapes and spending "quiet
time" with his donkeys.
Friends say he will be remembered as a role model for dimwitted
young psychopaths.
"He never met a non-Muslim he didn't hate," said
Ayman "Al" Zawahiri, a colleague and possible successor. "And
he never let respect for human life stand in the way of his murderous
ideology."
Experts say bin Laden's loss will be strongly felt in Islamist
terror circles, as the Internet crackles with chatter about who'll take
his place as catcher on the al-Qaeda softball team.
Services will be held tomorrow at Fatwa Brothers Funeral
Home. In lieu of flowers and dates, donations may be made in Bin Laden's
name to the Armageddon Fund or the Inhumane Society.
 Related
stories:
GOP
strategy is win-win ... for bin Laden -- Dec. 22, 2010
Bush
flip-flops on Osama ("not that concerned about him")
-- Oct. 14, 2004
Al-Qaeda
snatches Paris Hilton -- June 12, 2006
Bin
Laden straw-hat disguise not fooling CIA -- April 6, 2005
Bin Laden linked to Satan's pig-monkey
 After
the attacks of Sept. 11, 2001, Humor Gazette editor John
Breneman embedded himself in the war on terror (at an undisclosed
location), vowing to remain vigilant in his First Amendment duty to shock
and awe the evildoers and politicians alike with a relentless satire offensive.
"Our failure to publish stories like 'Bush
suffers from Iraq-tile Dysfunction' would be a victory for the
terrorist asswipes," he said.
The Gazette scooped its rivals at the New York Times, the Onion and Al-Jazeera
with stories like 'Al
Qaeda's #2 man is cowardly piece of dung.' Below are some of the
exclusives that helped earn the Gazette a Pull-it
Surprise nomination:
Good
riddance: Abu Musab al-Zarqawi dead
-- June 9, 2006 |
Bin
Laden plans debut on satellite radio
-- Jan. 20, 2006 |
Al
Qaeda reports declining revenues in fiscal '05
-- Dec. 19, 2005 |
 |
Al-Zarqawi's
approval rating falls
-- Nov. 25, 2005
|
Terrorists
revealed
to be morons
-- July 22, 2005 |
London
attack heightens worldwide hatred of spineless terrorist jerks
-- July 8, 2005 |
|
Suicide
bombers get cold feet, call in sick
-- June 6, 2005 |
Mother's
Day card yields clues on bin Laden
-- May 9, 2005 |
Bin
Laden eludes Wile E. Coyote
-- March 28, 2004 |
|
Comic
bomb: Bush slays 'em with WMD gag
-- March 26, 2004 |
Voice
on latest bin Laden tape revealed to be Pee-Wee Herman
-- Nov. 19, 2002 |
Rebuilding
Afghanistan
in our image
-- Dec. 10, 2001 |
|
Posted on May 3, 2011 1:44 PM
| Permalink
Previous post: Boehner weeps at amusement park opening.
Next post: Gummy bears banned from commercial flights.
|
