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Ex-House Speaker secretes hat into ring
 One
of the slimiest politicians in U.S. history announced a presidential bid
today, prompting involuntary gag reflexes throughout the human and animal
communities.
Newt Gingrich, noted right-wing amphibian, wriggled into
the race for the Reptilian nomination, vowing to return America to a time
when hypocrisy reigned supreme -- a time when a soulless
douche could get famous by trying to run the president out of
Washington for fooling around with an intern while he himself was also
cheating on his wife.
Critics say Gingrich's re-emergence signals the need for
America to have an "adultery conversation" -- specifically about
the four-legged contender's utter lack of morals.
Political analysts say Gingrich distinguishes itself from
the rest of the GOP presidential field with its ability to regenerate
limbs, eyes, intestines, and upper and lower jaws.
Supporters say Newt can also secrete enough tetrodotoxin
to kill a 180-pound liberal.
Voters are urged to avoid allowing Gingrich to come
into contact with mucous membranes. In the event of accidental contact,
vigorous hand-washing techniques should be employed.
Romney
denies robot allegations // Paul
Ryan's GOP Medicare coupons!!
Mock
obituary: Osama bin Laden, evildoer, 54
Posted on May 12, 2011 10:55 PM
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