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Summertime
recipes: Roast Ox Smoothie
Though some folks favor lemonade, root beer floats or iced
tea, old-timers know there's nothing quite like a refreshing
Roast Ox Smoothie to take the edge off on a sweltering summer
day.
 INGREDIENTS
1 600-lb. oxen, freshly killed
2 dozen cloves of garlic
1 large sack of onions, cubed
9 gal. Worcestershire sauce
1-1/2 fistfuls of paprika
8 oz. plain yogurt
Throw the onions and garlic into a mixing bowl and thrash
them viciously with a studded leather belt until they begin
to resemble a pile of severely abused chunks of onions and
garlic.
Rub some of the garlic and onion mix onto your teeth and
gums to ward off evil, then place the rest in an all-weather
trash bin. Fling the paprika on top and seal with duct tape.
Next: Decapitate, skin and gut the ox using an ordinary household
oxen shiv, medium-sized chainsaw or a crew of illegal Mexican
laborers. Lightly brush the grotesque uncooked flesh with
Worcestershire marinade and cover with a tarp to protect from
flies and maggots and neighborhood dogs.
Dig a hole in your backyard and fill with wood, coal and
construction debris. (environmental enthusiasts may prefer
to substitute alternative fuels such as switch grass, Duraflame
logs or oxen dung).
Construct a makeshift oxen spit, then muscle the bloody carcass
onto the contraption. Douse the bonfire pit with lighter fluid
or gasoline (at least 89 octane for best results) and ignite,
making sure flames do not exceed 15 feet in height.
Cook for approximately half a day, continually rotating the
gigantic slab so it chars evenly while the center remains
pink and tender. Remove from heat and trim into blender-sized
slabs.
Shovel ingredients into industrial-sized food processor and
puree for 45 minutes.
Dump into a tall glass over ice, garnish with a sprig of
anchovy and serve.
Posted on August 15, 2011 8:45 AM
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