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Humor Gazette Archive

Jackson denies plastic surgery escape scheme

By John Breneman

Authorities in California say they suspect accused child molester Michael Jackson may be planning to elude prosecution by altering his appearance through cosmetic surgery.

Jackson, whose original face was long ago replaced by a pale space-age polymer that looks and feels almost like human skin, reportedly has hired a team of plastic surgeons to provide him with a new mug every few days.

The King of Pop's fantastic escape plan involves a rotating palette of faces ranging from a nondescript "John Doe" to one blending the features of Elizabeth Taylor, Macauley Culkin and Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich.

Currently free on $3 million bail, Jackson dismissed the child molestation charges as a "big fib" and professed his love for all children. Last November, the reclusive entertainer demonstrated his love for his youngest child, who goes by the psychologically damaging name "Blanket," by putting a sack on his head and dangling him off a hotel balcony in Berlin.

Jackson's love for his eldest children, who often accompany him on elephant-bone shopping sprees, is also readily on display. He protects their young faces by making them wear hyperbarically correct Spider-Man masks 24 hours a day and affectionately calls them "Artoo Detoo" and "SpongeBob SquarePants."

A source close to the Jackson camp, his trusted chimpanzee Mr. Pre-Pubescent Willie, said Jackson has absolutely no plans to elude authorities by transforming himself into an albino Donny Osmond and blasting off in a magical spaceship stashed in a secret room at his Neverland ranch.

11-25-03

Jacko takes Iowa

By John Breneman

Michael Jackson coasted to victory in the Iowa presidential caucuses on Monday, receiving an avalanche of votes from citizens left so numb by round-the-clock "Jacko" coverage that when they got to the polling place his was the only name they could think of.

The result surprised pollsters who predicted that, despite an 11th-hour endorsement by Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan, the embattled entertainer would finish no better than sixth.

"Voters want a candidate who can capture their imagination," said pundit Johnnie Cochran. "Now those other guys are boring, dull. But you take just one look at Michael and your imagination is working overtime."

Political analysts said Jackson's failure to make a single live appearance in Iowa didn't hurt him because his image could be seen on TV approximately five hours a day. No candidate could match Jackson's grassroots organization, those millions of followers throughout the world who demonstrate cult-like allegiance to the spooky, mask-faced King of Pop.

Jackson also enjoys strong support among middle-class Iowa voters, who appreciate his lunch-bucket work ethic and his decision to turn Caucasian. Conventional wisdom says the victory catapults Jackson into front-runner status heading into the Jan. 27 primary in New Hampshire.

In other election news: Democratic contender Wesley Clark got a jump on his New Hampshire primary rivals by proclaiming himself a big fan of the Super Bowl-bound New England Patriots football team.

"I was rooting for the Pats way back last week when those other guys were pretending to like the University of Iowa basketball team," said Clark, who dressed himself up in a Patriots jacket, hat and Lawyer Milloy jersey to watch Sunday's AFC championship game at a bar in Sunapee, N.H.

"I'm a patriot, too," the retired general said as he pretended to take a realistic blue-collar swig of Samuel Adams beer.

1-20-04

Jacko denies plastic surgery escape scheme
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