U.N. reports rise
By John Breneman
The world's population of assholes has risen for the 35th consecutive
year, according to a survey just released by the United Nations.
International demographics experts attribute this year's increase
to a growing number of assholes in China, the Middle East and the
former Soviet Union, as well as a sharp rise in the number of Third
But the United States still leads the way, clocking in at a record
high of 34.2 percent. The world average lags behind at 22.4 percent.
"The growing influence, worldwide, of greed is really kicking
the Asshole Index to unprecedented heights," said Jack Cass,
a noted trends analyst and flaming asshole. "The assholes involved
in those corporate scandals kicked millions of shareholders in the
Significant statistical increases cut across every socioeconomic
bracket and made their mark in sports, politics and religion.
"Muslim assholes have certainly taken a higher profile in
the terrorism field this year, but Christian assholes are keeping
pace in the molestation department," said Prof. Ralph Spink
of the University of Massachusetts, who also cited "political
ho's and strike-minded baseball millionaires."
Blocs of oblivious cellphone users and inconsiderate smokers have
held firm, but the survey showed alarming hikes in the number of
idiots who just don't pay attention.
The report also documented small but growing pockets of assholes
in Turkey, Ghana and Luxembourg, and widespread increases worldwide
in the number of jackasses, jerks and dirtbags.
The number of people who vow they will NEVER use a turn signal,
even if it helps save a human life, appears to have stabilized at
New probe probes impact of probes
By John Breneman
(Sept. 24, 2002) Recent probes into anthrax, church sex
and corporate excess have sparked public demand for intrusive new
probes into every orifice of American life.
"Polls show that people love a good probe," said Barnaby
Holmes, head of a blue-ribbon panel probing the public's renewed
interest in probes. "Citizens have come to depend on these
probes to keep track of who's getting screwed and who's doing the
The House Subcommittee on Bipartisan Probes today announced new
probes into Martha Stewart's nuclear capabilities, Saddam Hussein's
secret diary and Dick Cheney's trousers, while the Justice Department
launched a fresh probe of Microsoft CEO Bill Gates' large intestine.
Body-cavity probes at U.S. airports are at an all-time high according
to a New York Times probe. And the Wall Street Journal is probing
reports of proctologists who bill patients for unnecessary probing.
Meanwhile, a National Enquirer probe led to shocking reports on
Bill Clinton's aborigine love child, President Bush's $500-a-day
crack habit and Britney Spears' steamy sex romp with Jerry Springer
and Cardinal Law.
The Securities Exchange Commission is probing allegations of financial
irregularities in Dolly Parton's warchest. And subpoenas have been
issued for a federal probe into whether the FBI has been probing
the CIA or vice versa.
Experts in the fast-growing probe industry predict future investigations
into baseball card insider trading, political liposuction and Yasser
Because probes are believed to have a positive economic impact,
Treasury Department officials have launched a probe into the possible
benefits of converting to a probe-based economy.
Back to PAGE ONE
Latest poll: Americans dislike telephone polls
By John Breneman
Americans are becoming increasingly annoyed with telephone surveys,
according to an annoying telephone survey just released by U.S.
pollster Polls R Us.
"We called 950 U.S. citizens from all walks of life -- most
of them just as they were sitting down to dinner -- and 94% of them
made it strikingly clear that they are extremely annoyed by telephone
surveys," said company spokesman Richard Click.
The number of respondents who politely declined to participate
has dropped sharply; and 63% of those contacted invoked an expletive
before slamming the receiver down, up from 44% in a similar poll
conducted last month.
The range of expletives has also expanded, according to Click,
who noted that one particularly creative curser unleashed a barrage
of invective featuring multiple ethnic slurs, five crude anatomical
references and a genetically engineered donkey.
"Our research shows that Americans truly hate unsolicited
telephone calls," said Click, whose firm initiated approximately
1.2 million unsolicited calls in the first quarter of 2002.
Among the 6% of respondents who said they don't mind participating
in telephone polls, nearly half reported that they approve of President
Bush's efforts to avert nuclear war between India and Pakistan but
would feel safer if he could pronounce the word "nuclear."
Two-thirds of those surveyed said the media is far too infatuated
with polls, which really have no value other than to produce meaningless
date upon which pundits can pundificate.
The latest Polls R Us poll, which has a margin of error of plus
or minus 143%, also revealed the following:
2% of respondents claimed they were much smarter and better looking
than the other 98%.
63% of the middle-class favor peace in the Middle East (72% in
106% of those surveyed said Americans must improve their math skills
to better compete in the global economy.