Humor Gazette Archive

Iguana for
prez in 2000

By John Breneman

This week, I must share with you the heart-warming story of a young iguana who dreamed of becoming president of the United States. He worked hard to overcome the unfair stigma attached to his iguana heritage, and went on to become a powerful and well-known politician.

Many pundits say he looks strikingly "presidential" -- with his broad, scaly head, his powerful claws, and those soft spines running along his back and tail.

A strong showing in New Hampshire's first-in-the-nation primary is vital to his White House aspirations, but supporters fear his candidacy will be ruined if conservative Granite State voters find out about his reptilian past.

Nevertheless, I feel the public has a right to know that one of the major presidential candidates started his political career as an idealistic young iguana.

Unfortunately, we have no more time for presidential satire today. Not with the clock is ticking ominously toward Y2K.

Little did I know that last week's column, my exclusive iridium satellite phone interview with Mr. Chuck Nostradamus, the world's foremost Y2K expert (story at right), would generate cards and emails from thousands of readers. Many were wondering where to hide when the jack-booted alien stormtroopers come; others just wanted celebrity recipes for canned lima beans.

So, I have forwarded a sampling of the inquiries to Mr. Nostradamus. The questions, and his answers, follow:

Question: Can you contract the Y2K bug by using your laptop in a public restroom? - A. Gore, District of Columbia

Answer: That is nothing more than an ugly myth. You can, however, get Y2K from coming into contact with an infected floppy disk.

Question: Are you any relation to Michel de Nostradamus, the 16th century French astrologer who predicted the rise and fall of Hitler and the discovery of Pokemon-based life forms on Mars? - E. Smith, York

Answer: Yeah, he's my uncle.

Question: Is that Y2K thingy a "bug" or a "virus" or what? - Mary Little-Savant, Exeter

Answer: In technical terms, it is neither. Computer scientists using state-of-the-art Nintendo technology have determined that the Y2K problem is actually a "riddle." Other theorists postulate that the Y2K trouble is "a practical joke unwittingly perpetrated upon themselves by technology-hungry human beings."

Question: I'm afraid my 3-year-old son may not be Y2K compliant. How do I know for sure?

Answer: Most drug stores now sell an easy-to-use home Y2K compliance test kit. Simply add five drops of the Y2K solution to your child's milk. If he turns pink all is well. If he turns blue, however, you may have a problem that will require costly surgery to upgrade his hard drive.

Humor Gazette editor John Breneman suffered a torn Y2K while straining to finish this column.

12-19-99

www.paranoia@Y2K!?%$*&?!?!.com

Some predict the Y2K virus will cause the world to be taken over by computer-savvy cats.

By John Breneman

Like many of you, I'm a little concerned about what might happen on Dec. 31, 1999, after the Y2K bug squashes our technology-dependent civilization and forces industrialized nations to convert to a Pokemon-based economy.

There are so many questions. For example, will robots replace humans in all white-collar jobs? Are domesticated animals considered "Y2K compliant"? And, what can I do to make sure my computer doesn't electrocute me on New Year's Day?

Fortunately, I was able to wangle an exclusive iridium satellite phone interview with the world's foremost Y2K expert, the mysterious and enigmatic Chuck Nostradamus.

I reached him Thursday at about 3:15 p.m., just as it was beginning to get dark here in Portsmouth. Mr. Nostradamus declined to reveal the location of his lavish headquarters, a cloud-hidden cluster of skyscrapers that some say are in Singapore, and that others insist are somewhere near Mount Agamenticus.

Not one to be caught off-guard, Mr. Nostradamus has equipped his complex with candle-powered iMac computers and a wood-burning 61" Sony television. Like many prudent survivalists, he has stocked his cupboard with several dozen extra cans of RAM.

My conversation with the eccentric Y2K expert was nothing short of enlightening.

He believes the Y2K virus actually started in the first computer ever made, a 14-ton, steam-powered behemoth called the ENIAC 91000010101010, and then mutated to every subsequent computer ever made. He also believes there is a top-secret FBI conspiracy linking Y2K with JFK, James Earl Ray and Marvin Gaye.

Fortunately, most computers are now believed to be "Y2K compliant," meaning they are not expected to melt down into a smouldering heap of plastic and circuitry, causing widespread power outages and fomenting revolution throughout the animal kingdom.

However, it is feared that many electronic devices are not Y2K compliant. Among them: the Mars Polar Lander, the new Pontiac Sunfire SE Coupe, most Maytag washing machines, and the Hoover Self-Propelled Wind Tunnel Premium Upright vacuum with, I swear, "Mach 6.9 Power Level."

Experts believe that even some seemingly harmless household items may pose hidden Y2K dangers. They include those icicle Christmas lights now hanging from most homes, the El Grito home tequila distillery, and a rare species of gingerbread man found only in Stuttgart, Germany.

Mr. Nostradamus has been tracking the Y2K virus since 1965, when Bolivian guerilla leader Che Guevara was thought to be in possession of sensitive Y2K technology.

According to his calculations the dreaded computer glitch will manifest itself as an anthrax plague in Washington D.C., locusts at Gov. Jeanne Shaheen's house, and a swarm of rhetoric-spewing presidential candidates frightening the children in much of New Hampshire.

The Y2K trouble could also cause a chain reaction of freezes, reboots and system errors --along with an alarming rise in reports of people abusing their computers with crowbars and tire irons.

Mr. Nostradamus has uncovered evidence that an aggressive strain of the Y2K virus was activated prematurely at a Circuit City store in Newington, causing computers at nearby businesses to flood the White House with emails demanding better working conditions.

Now, to help ensure that your home is ready to weather the possible Y2K apocalypse, most experts recommend stocking up on key items like Q-Tips, lobster meat and argyle socks. It also is considered advisable to keep plenty of Hickory Farms gift packs on hand, along with a three-week supply of Fresca to help ward off the Devil.

Mr. Nostradamus suggests hording a little extra cash in case of an emergency -- about $3.2 million should suffice -- and he notes that mace, chunks of gold and tins of Spam make excellent stocking stuffers.

As we draw closer to that fateful moment when the clock strikes '00, Mr. Nostradamus is quick to point out that panic and paranoia are natural responses to the imminent demise of our puny civilization.

Besides, he said as we concluded our little chat, "Among the things proven to be fully Y2K compliant are champagne, shrimp cocktail and the human soul."

Humor Gazette editor John Breneman wishes readers a trauma-free holiday and a non-cataclysmic millenium.

12-12-99

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