Bush eyes Santa for Cabinet post
Striving to bring together the divided nation, President
George W. Bush is eyeing a universally respected figure for a key
Cabinet post. According to completely fabricated reports, the one
and only Santa Claus has engaged in preliminary discussions about
a possible top job in the Bush administration.
Claus, a beloved mythical figure known primarily for his efficient
worldwide distribution of Christmas cheer, has no prior political
experience. Nevertheless, he is considered a strong choice due to
his extraordinarily high "favorability rating." And though
he is famous for hauling around a gigantic sack, he is believed
to be virtually free of political baggage.
Mr. Claus, who has perfected a technology that enables him to fly
all over the world at lightning speeds in a reindeer-powered sleigh,
is reportedly being considered for Secretary of Transportation.
Some Washington insiders believe Mr. Claus' cutting-edge work in
high-speed, petroleum-free transportation could revolutionize the
future of commercial air travel.
Meanwhile, insiders at the Department of Justice are speculating
that Mr. Claus' innate ability to tell who's been "naughty"
vs. who's been "nice" makes him an attractive candidate
for Attorney General.
And several leading economists - noting Mr. Claus' powerful impact
on the nation's gross national product each year at this time -
suspect he may be a contender for Secretary of Commerce.
The rotund, white-haired statesman, who makes his year-round residence
at the North Pole, may also be under consideration to head the Department
of Gingerbread Housing and Urban Development.
Others believe that Mr. Claus, the nation's leading employer of
blue-collar elves, would be a natural for the Department of Elf
Education and Welfare.
Several Washington pundits suggest a Claus nomination would draw
strong opposition from Senate Democrats, some of whom reportedly
no longer believe in him.
FBI investigators will be checking Mr. Claus' background and "checking
it twice," in part to determine whether his well-documented
"love" for little boys and girls is cause for concern.
A spokesman said Mr. Claus would not be available for comment on
a possible role in the Bush administration because he was about
to leave on a very important annual business trip.
But President-elect Bush said he is eager to discuss the possibilities
over milk and cookies in Washington next week when "Santa Claus
is coming to town."
John Breneman 12-21-00
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