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Voice
on new bin Laden recording revealed to be
Pee-Wee Herman
Power outage
linked to squirrel terrorist cell
By John Breneman
A rogue squirrel knocked out power across
much of the city early Thursday in an act of sabotage
that police are calling "a heinous and cowardly
act of rodent terrorism."
The squirrel leaped into an electrical transformer
at a downtown substation shortly after 9 a.m., just as the
business day began.
The economic impact of the brazen daylight suicide
mission is estimated at $1.2 killion as hundreds of downtown
workers were left literally powerless to do their jobs.
Employees at one local dot-com were startled
to find the company no longer existed when the electricity
came back on. And several firms provided counseling to help
workers deal with the emotional trauma of not being able to
get onto their computers.
The squirrel was killed instantly and so could
not be questioned regarding his motive. But police say a group
identifying itself as the Bushy Tail Liberation Army is claiming
responsibility for the attack.
The BTLA, which exploded onto the international
rodent terrorism scene when it sizzled a power transformer
outside the White House last November, scratched the following
statement into the bark of a giant oak tree near City Hall:
"We demand an immediate end to the vehicular
genocide being perpetrated against the squirrel community
by our human oppressors in their noxious SUVs."
Citing the "needless slaughter" of
millions of squirrels on our nation's roadways, the BTLA vowed
that more serious power outages would follow unless authorities
complied with their demands. These include:
-- Legislation imposing stiff fines and jail
time for squashing a squirrel in an automobile.
-- Erection of "Squirrel Crossing"
signs and overpasses at specified locations.
-- Immediate repeal of heavy tariffs on the
import of exotic European and Asian acorns.
-- Federal subsidies to stimulate trade with
acorn-producing nations.
-- And sweeping oak tree preservation measures,
including a nationwide ban on the use of oak in furniture
manufacturing.
Lt. James Nutt of the police department's elite
anti-rodent terrorism unit said there is no cause for the
public to be alarmed.
But he did offer several tips for homeowners
concerned that the squirrels chattering and foraging out in
their yard might be aligned with the BTLA rebels. Tell-tale
signs include:
-- Squirrels congregating in groups and chattering
in hushed tones.
-- Shifty eyes.
-- Handguns and ammunition missing from your
closet.
-- Rocky and Bullwinkle cartoons appearing mysteriously
on your TV.
If you suspect an ordinary household squirrel
of engaging in subversive activity, Nutt warned, do not attempt
to subdue the rodent yourself. They are often trained in martial
arts like Tae Akorn Do.
Instead, police urge you to scamper inside and
whimper like a baby until help arrives.
6-17-01
Humor
Gazette Archive
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Cartoon heroes
fight war on terror
By John Breneman
Osama bin Laden narrowly eluded capture by an elite
Special Forces unit led by Wile E. Coyote, according
to an exclusive TV Guide story by investigative reporter
Clark Kent.
Agent Coyote used an Acme jetpack to catch up to the speedy
bin Laden on a dirt road in Pakistan, but the mission was
aborted when the relentless Coyote accidentally flattened
himself with a 20-ton anvil meant to crush the elusive terrorist.
Pentagon sources confirm that Mr. Coyote, ranked #38 on TV
Guide's recent list of the 50 all-time greatest cartoon characters,
is one of several animated agents who have volunteered to
help fight for truth, justice and the American way.
Acting on sensitive intelligence developed by Beavis and
Butt-head, U.S. ground forces led by Bugs Bunny and Speed
Racer penetrated the compound of Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein
with air support from Woody Woodpecker and Snoopy (aka the
Red Baron). Popeye reportedly punched Hussein in the face
so hard that his neck stretched approximately 20 feet before
his head snapped and wobbled back into place.
To help defuse tensions in the strife-torn Middle East, Defense
Secretary Donald Rumsfeld reportedly is grooming a covert
unit led by Scooby-Doo, Mr. Magoo and Winnie the Pooh.
"America's arsenal of superheroes is unmatched by any
nation in the world," said Rumsfeld, noting that Superman,
Wonder Woman and Fat Albert stand ready for deployment to
trouble spots around the globe. Rumsfeld also announced the
creation of a new Internet surveillance task force headed
by Mighty Mouse.
President Bush committed his full support to the cartoon
initiative after a White House strategy session with Batman
and Tweety Bird. The president then retreated to the Oval
Office to huddle with Homer Simpson, Yogi Bear and Bullwinkle
for advice on communicating his message to the American people.
8-2-02
 The
Sissy
of Baghdad
By John Breneman
TV talking heads reporting on the capture of Saddam
Hussein have expanded the narrow set of buzzwords they
are using to describe the cowardly, bedraggled, disheveled,
disoriented former Iraqi leader.
"Terms like murderous thug,
bloodthirsty tyrant and genocidal psychopath don't come close
to accurately describing this noxious and repugnant asswipe,"
said Lloyd Tabb, vice president of trash talk for Fox News.
"Ruthless dictator? Please.
This guy is a sinister, demented, poopshoot-dwelling cannibal.
We're calling him 'Atrocity-Meister' in hopes that may catch
on."
The once-powerful "Butcher
of Baghdad" was reduced to a blubbering fraidy-cat this
weekend when U.S. forces found him in a festering stinkhole
having sex with a large rodent while battling video infidels
on his Sunni Playstation.
Televised images showed that Hussein
had cleverly disguised himself as a filthy, maggot-infested
hobo to elude capture. At presstime the Pentagon would not
confirm reports that the sissy fugitive tried to dupe his
captors by wearing fake plastic novelty glasses with bushy
eyebrows and a bulbous nose.
The big question now is whether
Hussein will reveal his secret stash of Weapons of Mass Destruction
or admit his gay love affair with Osama bin Laden. The U.S.
military is employing the most aggressive interrogation methods
allowed under the Geneva Convention, including prolonged exposure
to psychologically disturbing video montages of Ashton Kutcher
and P. Diddy.
Also looming is the question of
how Hussein will be tried for his crimes against humanity.
While many favor a United Nations tribunal, there is considerable
support for trying him in Iraq, lynching him in Texas, or
simply turning him over to the Cincinnati Police.
In other news, the Hussein death
toll grew dramatically with the news of his capture as dozens
of Iraqis were slain by celebratory gunfire.
6-17-01
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Col.
Gadhaffi, whose name is routinely spelled Kadhafi, Gadhdhafi,
Qadhafi, Khaddafi and countless other variations in press
reports, said he believes the spelling fiasco is part of a
western conspiracy to irritate him into "firing off a
bunch of nuclear bombs and maybe a little mustard gas."
