Pillsbury Doughboy kidnapped
In a brazen act of culinary-political terrorism, masked intruders
armed with razor-sharp butter knives kidnapped the Pillsbury Doughboy
from the heavily guarded Pop "n" Fresh compound in Crescent City,
No group has claimed responsibility for the abduction of the Doughboy,
the cherubic, flour-white baking industry icon who is the sole heir
to the vast Pillsbury fortune. But a ransom note scrawled in chocolate
frosting at the scene demanded that four dozen unmarked fudge brownies
and $50 million be deposited in a Danish bank account.
The FBI reportedly is investigating several leads -- including whether Pillsbury archrival Duncan Hines is in any way involved. A source close to the Doughboy said he was in possession of a new secret recipe for a no-calorie bundt cake at the time he was snatched.
According to an anonymous FBI informant known only as John Dough,
other possible suspects include Betty Crocker, a Pillsbury subsidiary
whose own line of mouth-watering baked goods was often overshadowed
by the ubiquitious Doughboy. Federal investigators are also looking
into a possible connection between the Pillsbury kidnapping and
the nearby heist of an armored Brink's truck filled with dough.
The only witness to the abuduction was one of the Doughboy's bodyguards,
who reportedly saw a dark, late-model sedan racing away from the
Pillsbury compound and thought he heard plaintive, high-pitched
squeals of "Hoo, hoo!" coming from inside the vehicle.
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