All the news that's fit to abuse, desecrate, adulterate, skew, twist, embellish, warp, humorize, fictionalize, satirize ... and print.

Let phony horoscope guide you

Newspaper horoscopes are stupid, right? The savvy reader knows they're just pithy snippets of random advice whose actual relevance to our lives is either purely coincidental or completely nonexistent.

But they can be fun if not taken too seriously. In that spirit, the planets have aligned to cast an irreverent aura over my karma. The result may seem somewhat astro-illogical.

CANCER (June 21-July 22) Getting more money may improve your financial situation. Avoid smashing into other vehicles when driving today. Keep sulfuric acid away from children.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) A tender, romantic encounter is out of the question tonight. Share your deepest emotions with a Mama Celeste pizza. Let your limitations guide you.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Good fortune is on the horizon. Spend your next paycheck on lottery tickets. A beguiling stranger advises you to stay out of dumpsters today.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Complications involving a faulty prophylactic cause you to devote more thought to a special relationship. Treat yourself to some extra-strength Tylenol at dusk.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) Encouraging news is probably inaccurate. Join an expensive health club and make a religious habit of never going there. Reconsider plans to have cosmetic brain surgery.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) An attractive member of the opposite sex is secretly laughing at you. Slamming your hand in a car door could ease your emotional pain. Perspire freely among friends.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Paying more than $700 for a lollipop could prove fiscally unsound. Vacillate on key decisions, particularly those requiring prompt attention. Explore a career in taxidermy.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Follow your instincts on matters involving a reputed mobster and his rhesus monkey. Postpone an upcoming trip to Antarctica until winter. Use toothpaste and a brush for cleaner teeth. Eschew your food.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) Emitting socially unacceptable noises could spoil an intimate moment. Consider body piercing to brighten your appearance. Using words may help you communicate your thoughts.

ARIES (March 21-April 19) A candid discussion with a loved one may lead to intense boredom and involuntary spasms. Plan a trip to a small Midwestern town you've never heard of. Becoming invisible could prove useful tonight.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20) Apply sunscreen when lying motionless on the beach for more than eight hours. Domestic animals find you repulsive this evening. Avoid unnecessary death.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20) Spontaneity might not be wise today. Consulting the Herald Sunday horoscope may be your only hope of finding wealth, happiness and true inner peace. Heed the puny wizard.

Humor Gazette editor John Breneman is a recovering Scorpio.

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