Let phony horoscope guide you
Newspaper horoscopes are stupid, right? The savvy reader knows
they're just pithy snippets of random advice whose actual relevance
to our lives is either purely coincidental or completely nonexistent.
But they can be fun if not taken too seriously. In that spirit,
the planets have aligned to cast an irreverent aura over my karma.
The result may seem somewhat astro-illogical.
(June 21-July 22) Getting more money may improve your financial
situation. Avoid smashing into other vehicles when driving today.
Keep sulfuric acid away from children.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) A tender, romantic encounter is out
of the question tonight. Share your deepest emotions with a Mama
Celeste pizza. Let your limitations guide you.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Good fortune is on the horizon.
Spend your next paycheck on lottery tickets. A beguiling stranger
advises you to stay out of dumpsters today.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Complications involving a faulty
prophylactic cause you to devote more thought to a special relationship.
Treat yourself to some extra-strength Tylenol at dusk.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) Encouraging news is probably inaccurate.
Join an expensive health club and make a religious habit of never
going there. Reconsider plans to have cosmetic brain surgery.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) An attractive member of the
opposite sex is secretly laughing at you. Slamming your hand in
a car door could ease your emotional pain. Perspire freely among
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Paying more than $700 for a
lollipop could prove fiscally unsound. Vacillate on key decisions,
particularly those requiring prompt attention. Explore a career
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Follow your instincts on matters
involving a reputed mobster and his rhesus monkey. Postpone an upcoming
trip to Antarctica until winter. Use toothpaste and a brush for
cleaner teeth. Eschew your food.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) Emitting socially unacceptable
noises could spoil an intimate moment. Consider body piercing to
brighten your appearance. Using words may help you communicate your
ARIES (March 21-April 19) A candid discussion with a loved
one may lead to intense boredom and involuntary spasms. Plan a trip
to a small Midwestern town you've never heard of. Becoming invisible
could prove useful tonight.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20) Apply sunscreen when lying motionless
on the beach for more than eight hours. Domestic animals find you
repulsive this evening. Avoid unnecessary death.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20) Spontaneity might not be wise today.
Consulting the Herald Sunday horoscope may be your only hope of
finding wealth, happiness and true inner peace. Heed the puny wizard.
Humor Gazette editor John Breneman is a recovering
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