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Canine wedding frowned upon

By John Breneman

Waving a picture of two English bull mastiffs - one sporting a top hat and tuxedo, the other a lovely white bridal veil - former Vice President Dan Quayle today called upon Congress to pass a law banning canine marriage.

The lovestruck mutts were photographed exchanging "vows" at a recent dog wedding in Panama City, Florida.

"These, these ... animals make a mockery of traditional American values," said Quayle, a leading voice in the fight against canine marriage.

The former vice president, who recently got a court injunction to block a planned wedding between a pair of Indiana iguanas, said legislation is needed to "preserve the sanctity of man-woman marriage and its impressive 50 percent success ratio."

President Bush, who has expressed his belief that marriage ought to be reserved for heterosexuals, held a press conference to announce that he meant human heterosexuals.

Bush added that he is vehemently opposed to any wedding involving animals, including but not limited to monkeys, cats, parakeets, Gambian rats, zebras, donkeys, elephants, birds and/or bees and gerbils.

The Rev. Franklin Graham applauded the president's remarks, saying that while he respected the rights of God-fearing dogs to sniff each others' bums, he felt that dog weddings are an "an insult to the Lord and his devoutly celibate pit bull, Mr. Tyson."

The Rev. Graham, son of evangelist Billy Graham, urged people who share his belief to send money so he can continue to be "a voice for people who think dogs should stick to chasing cats and burying bones, and not poke their noses into human pursuits like marriage, divisive politics and good old-fashioned hatred of those different than us."

9-24-03

Gay newlyweds Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden have adopted a shaved-ape baby, according to the tabloid Weekly World News.

Saddam and Osama
adopted shaved-ape baby

By John Breneman

The 9/11 commission has found no evidence of a significant link between Iraq and al Qaeda. But spanning the globe in our round-the-clock mission to bring you only the fakest fake news, the Humor Gazette reports this shocking revelation from the Weekly World News -- the New York Times of supermarket tabloids.

"Just one month after their gay marriage rocked the world, ecstatic newlyweds Osama bin Laden and Saddm Hussein have adopted a shaved-ape baby to make their family complete."

Nine-month-old "Robert," a clean-cut chimp clad in overalls, is seen in a family portrait being kissed on the head by a doting Saddam. Animal rights activists are outraged over the adoption, concerned that his upbringing at the hands of fugitive terror kingpins will "leave young and impressionable Robert psychologically scarred for life."

In an exclusive interview with the Humor Gazette, pop singer Michael Jackson spoke out against the bizarre adoption while assuring the public that all three of his shaved-ape babies are safe at home in their cribs. Meanwhile, a spokesman for Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore said the Osama-Saddam incident has no connection with their own decision to adopt a shaved-ape infant.

Also revealed in the Nov. 4, 2003, edition of the World Weekly News: Conclusive DNA proof that God exists. For centuries members of the clergy have reported seeing God appear before them, claims that understandably have been met with skepticism. Well this time the Big Guy reportedly left some evidence at the scene, a tuft of his beard.

"The ermine-white hair, which apparently was yanked from the Lord's face as he leaned over to sniff a flower, matches DNA taken from Christ's burial cloth -- the sacred shroud of Turin," according to the World Weekly News.

International forensics experts are reportedly examining the DNA to see if it can be used to tie the Lord to several trillion counts sloth, lust and greed allegedly perpetrated by His human creations.

The World Weekly News article describes God as about six feet tall, caucasian and "neither skinny nor fat." The Lord could not be reached for comment on Osama and Saddam's shaved-ape baby.

10-28-03

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