CLICK HERE for
the Humor Gazette main page
Library features porn aisle
Four American presidents join forces
in Arkansas to fight for truth, justice
and the American way.
It was raining presidents at the president-filled grand opening
of a library honoring the reign of President William Jefferson
The star-studded stage outside the glistening William J.
Clinton Presidential Center was flooded with presidential
testosterone as the War President, the Wimp President and
the Peanut President all paid tribute to the Penis President.
Hoping to project unity to the divided and hopelessly confused
nation, the two Democratic and two Republican presidents were
all hugs and kisses for the cameras, except when President
Bush Sr. said how much he "hated" Clinton for beating
his ass in a debate and for being 10 times more charismatic
The current President Bush had kind words for Clinton, saying
that in the soft focus of history he is "not such a scumbag
Red and blue TV viewers in now-quiet battleground states
sat on the edge of their seats as media pundits gushed about
Clinton the "rock star" and how his legacy will
be forever semen-stained by sex with a groupie.
Two of Clinton's rock star buddies, Bono and the Edge of
U2, were the headline performers for a crowd that included
noted standup comics Robin Williams and Karl Rove. Noted non-president
John Kerry was also on hand, sporting a $27,000 L.L. Bean
Rain-Buster kevlar umbrella.
The $165 million glass-and-steel Clinton center is the most
expensive library ever erected, partly because extra square
footage was needed to house the former president's expansive
collection of pornography and sex scandal member-abilia.
The structure features a dimly lit "porn alcove"
with rare XXX titles like "Midnight Filibuster"
and "Hillary Does Congress," and an interactive
exhibit where visitors can experience the heady sensation
of taking a puff of marijuana without actually inhaling.
penned with company ink
electric chair analysis
Now that a jury has found California psycho Scott Peterson
guilty of killing his wife and unborn son, the sensational
round-the-clock media coverage shifts to whether Peterson
will get the death penalty.
Public opinion is divided on whether Peterson should live
or die, but polls show there is near universal agreement on
one thing - the Scott Peterson "story" must be put
to death as soon as possible.
"Death penalty, life in prison ... doesn't matter to
me. That murdering scum deserves whatever they give him,"
said a man on the street. "But I'll tell you, I'm sick
of how the media has been beating this case to death. I swear
if they don't let up I may go on a spree myself."
Though several legal analysts pointed out they had predicted
a verdict might be reached on Friday, none had a clue how
inane their commentary sounded when woven together with other
similarly obvious and repetitive soundbites.
When word came late Friday that the verdict was first-degree
murder, the same legal analysts were reintroduced as armchair
electric chair experts to speculate about whether the clone-faced
Peterson will live or die ... or use the appeals court process
to haunt us eternally from some media overkill netherworld.
tip of the hat to Mr. Arafat
Yasser Arafat is dead, but his legacy as a world leader in
stylish headgear lives on.
As his followers mourn by firing bullets into the air and
hoping they don't pierce too many skulls on the way down,
geopolitical haberdashery analysts agree that Arafat's monumental
contributions to hatwear will be remembered long after the
pesky Israeli-Palestinian conflict is resolved.
word from your president
"My fellow Americans..."
Bush 'out,' media 'in' as
biggest thing to complain about in '05
By John Breneman
Following through on his pledge to heal the bitterly divided
nation, President Bush joined Sen. John Kerry today to introduce
a bipartisan national dialogue about the sorry state of "the
Republicans hold contempt for the elite liberal media as
exemplified by the New York Times, while Democrats blast organizations
like Fox News for brainwashing gullible viewers with right-wing
reveals Bush favored by
mushroom cloud enthusiasts
Today's Media Horoscope
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) -- Your image as a bombastic
crusader for morality may be harmed by an underling who rejects
your crude romantic advances. Don't let sexual misconduct
and blatant hypocrisy dissuade you from spouting phony platitudes
about family values. A substantial cash payoff should convince
her to shut up.
Lookout, Kerry's got a gun
Eager to prove he's a macho regular guy, John Kerry went
hunting over the weekend and bagged a terrorist.
Clad in a $1.4 million L.L. Bean flak jacket and brandishing
a borrowed 12-gauge shotgun, Kerry emerged from an Ohio cornfield
flashing a bloody thumbs-up and reporting, "Everybody
An aide said Kerry planned to have his terrorist stuffed
and mounted in his den on Boston's Beacon Hill.
President Bush chided Kerry for posing as a phony terrorist
hunter and announced plans for a pre-election safari in Iraq,
during which he planned to blast at least five or six "freedom
Several pundits drew comparisons between Kerry's high-profile
hunting expedition and President Bush's decision to dress
up in a nifty Navy flightsuit for his infamous "Mission
Accomplished" moment, though some argued that Bush's
phony photo-op was at least 10 times phonier and more distasteful
In related news, the news media is trumpeting a possible
celebrity death match between Bill Clinton and Arnold Schwarzenegger
as both camps fire up their attack machines for a final week
of pounding each other's integrity in the battleground states.
October 22, 2004
Today's Presidential Horoscopes
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21) -- Excessive wordiness may distract
people from fully understanding your mixed messages. Future
job prospects may hinge on your ability to expose a well-liked
adversary's pathological dishonesty. Be decisive.
George W. Bush
(June 21-July 22) -- Refuse to let facts and common sense
intrude on your vision of what is right. Affecting a tough
persona helps you compensate for feelings of intellectual
inadequacy. Don't be distracted by rising death tolls. Stay
October 20, 2004
President Bush won a key endorsement today from the International
Brotherhood of Stem Cells (IBSC).
A spokesman for the feisty building blocks of life said they
feel safer under Bush, who has pledged to defend their right
to maybe someday become a life, than under Sen. Kerry, who
has made no secret of his diabolical plan to use them for
The president and his challenger differ sharply on undifferentiated
embryonic cells, which political scientists say may hold the
secret to curing spinal cord injuries and major diseases.
The IBSC released the following statement:
"Though certain liberal elements of our membership believe
we ought to sacrifice a few potential lives for the good of
mankind, the majority of us agree we must look out for numero
"John Kerry wants to sacrifice us for medical research,
but where was he when the time came to give HIS stem cells
for the cause? And Christopher Reeves, may he rest in peace,
was not the boss of us."
October 18, 2004
foliage Q&A with Dr. Leif Mann
knows that the autumn foliage in New England is the finest
in the world. But there is much about this annual cornucopia
of color that we do not know. Therefore, I have decided to
direct some reader questions to the Humor Gazette's resident
foliage expert, Dr. Leif Mann.
Question: My trees are still kind of green. Should
I consider paying a college kid to come and spray-paint them?
-- Sherwin Williams, Portsmouth
Answer: No. I have found that it's best to hire an
experienced painting contractor if you want the job done right.
Question: Where do the presidential candidates stand
-- Joe Voder, Dixville Notch
October 14, 2004
flip-flops on bin Laden
One of President Bush's tough-guy soundbites is biting him
in the bum today. After 9/11, the president promised to nail
the terror kingpin "dead or alive." But not long
after he botched a chance to do just that -- "outsourcing"
the job to Afghan warlords, as his opponent keeps pointing
out -- Bush changed his tune.
With the mastermind of the 9/11 attacks still at large, Bush
was asked at a March 13, 2002, White House press conference
why he never mentions bin Laden anymore. The president, by
then laser-focused on a guy -- Saddam Hussein -- who did not
attack us, had lost interest in the man who did.
"You know, I just don't spend that much time on him,"
he responded. "I don't know where he is. ... I truly
am not that concerned about him."
Fast forward to last night's debate. MORE
Laden claims responsibility
for 'Curse of the Bambino'
October 11, 2004
embraces 'trickle-down' strategy
President Bush says the new report showing Saddam Hussein
had absolutely had no weapons of mass destruction proves he
was right to launch a war to protect us from weapons of mass
destruction the Iraqi madman definitely did not possess.
For those readers still blinking and scratching their heads
in confusion, we repeat: President Bush told us we had to
invade Iraq because Hussein had WMDs. Now, faced with conclusive
proof Hussein did not have weapons, the president says, "See?
I told you I was right."
Supporters insist that the president's policy of peeing in
America's ear and telling voters what they want to hear --
his so-called "trickle-down" strategy -- is actually
a positive attribute because he does it so consistently.
But if he were to accidentally tell the truth, this would
be seen as a weakness. So, regarding Iraq, it is vitally important
that he keep showering us with a stream of piss and calling
it a golden beacon of democracy.
In a related development, Bush says the fact that he will
be the first president since Herbert Hoover to oversee a net
loss of jobs during his four-year term offers clear proof
that his economic policy is working.
weapons key issue at next debate
President Bush is expected to come out firing at tonight's
debate in St. Louis, but pundits disagree on whether he will
try to reclaim momentum from Sen. John Kerry by shooting the
Democratic insurgent with that cool pistol he got from Saddam
A new report confirming that the president's claims about
weapons of mass destruction in Iraq were absolutely false
has provided fresh ammunition for Kerry. But strategists say
Bush may exploit a loophole in the 32 pages of rules governing
the debate, which apparently fail to prohibit shooting one's
opponent with a souvenir firearm. MORE
October 6, 2004
render verdict in
case of Cheney v. Edwards
Vice President Dick Cheney scored a decisive blow in his
debate with Sen. John Edwards on Tuesday by citing a link
between Al Qaeda and U.S. trial lawyers. Cheney also claimed
that, if elected, John Kerry would appoint Germans and Frenchmen
to his Cabinet.
Pundits called the debate a clear victory for the very composed
Cheney, who did not snarl or rip his shirt off and turn huge
and green, even when Edwards kept talking about what a mess
Cheney and his pet monkey have made while doing their doody.
October 4, 2004
the Sunday headlines
Perhaps you are one of the millions of Americans who likes
to read the Sunday paper to catch up on the news. Below, printed
in bold, are a series of REAL headlines from
Sunday's Boston Globe. The trick here is that printed just
beneath the real headlines are what we call FAKE headlines
that add both humor and context to the actual news. Ready?
Candidates' war rooms to reassess battle plans
Bush expected to pack heat for next debate
Supreme Court to start new term tomorrow
Majority of justices stand ready to reappoint Bush in '04
Gunfire, bombings kill 44 in India
That's OK, majority to be reincarnated as spider monkeys
At rumbling Mount St. Helens, hazard level is raised
Hundreds flee wrath of fiery mountain bitch
Afghan warlords hunt for votes
Local candidate promises two camels in every garage
Backroom dealing a Capitol trend
Key votes can sell for up to $14 million
Cheney presses Hussein-Qaeda link
VP still believes lying is key to victory on Nov. 2
October 1, 2004
Questions about Post-Debate Spin
Is the water cooler half empty or half full?
Did Kerry hammer Bush with that "colossal error of judgment"
zinger? Or did Bush impress voters by telling 'em 11 times
that fighting terror is "hard work"? MORE
Trodson goes "Inside the Spin Room"
the Gazette's 'endorsement' of President Bush
September 29, 2004
Kerry to trade punches, punchlines
Now that the debate on the Vietnam War is almost over, it
is time for another presidential debate. This one will help
determine who will lead America for the next four years --
Flip-Flop or Just Plain Flop.
The rules are simple: No eye-gouging, head-butting or Abu
September 20, 2004
for Kerry if you hate America
and want to die soon
September 13, 2004
As I imagined the next generation of computer-literate,
college-bound kindergarteners heading off to school this week,
I began to reflect on my own indelible experiences in education.
From my humble beginnings in a suburban Pittsburgh nursery
school, I rose through our oft-criticized public school system,
achieved a college degree that I recently finished paying
off, and embarked upon an odyssey of never-ending alternative
football: Donkeys beat Elephants
The Donkeys beat the Elephants 51-49 on a last-second fumble
by GOP quarterback George W. Bush to open the 2004 Political
Football League season last night.
The Elephants appeared headed for victory, leading 49-44
and needing only a first down to run out the clock with just
32 seconds left.
"Four more yards!" Bush yelled to Dick Cheney,
the bruising fullback who had already scored two touchdowns
and spent half the game in Donkey quarterback John Kerry's
face, questioning his manhood and taunting him as "sensitive."
urged to kick $177M-a-day war habit
past as a coke-snorting, beer-guzzling party
animal should not hurt his re-election bid, political
analysts say, because he already addressed the issue a few
years when he kicked the bottle and made God his new best
But now muckraking biographer Kitty Kelley writes in "The
Family: The Real Story of the Bush Dynasty" that young
George W. put narcotics up his nose at Camp David while his
pop was president. The allegation is made by Sharon Bush,
ex-wife of his brother Neil, the one who got mixed up all
those Chinese hookers.
Kelley writes that Bush learned how to use cocaine at Yale
during a three-day Ecstasy and speedball bender. Once he graduated
and blew all the dough his dad's friends gave him to look
for oil, Bush allegedly turned to cocaine to pep him up some
and got so excited he had to be talked out of investing in
a "can't miss" deal down in Colombia.
In a related development, critics have intensified their
call for President Bush to kick his $177-million-a-day
war habit. MORE
Humor Gazette News Anchor Reid Page
DAY ONE of the Republican National Convention got
off to a strange start when President Bush grabbed a baby
and hoisted it over his head in traditional campaign style.
The adorable photo-op turned ugly, however, when the tyke
mocked the president by saying "Abu Ghraib," flawlessly,
then stinging the horrified commander-in-chief with a stream
A Bush spokesman said a preliminary investigation revealed
the baby may have ties to John Kerry and likely breached security
by crawling under one of the loyalty oath/polygraph checkpoints
stationed at every entrance.
An official with the Kerry campaign denied responsibility,
then joked, "Looks like the terror alert has been lowered
Geraldo Rivera claims the baby is connected with a group
calling itself Lil' Tugboat Tooters for Twoof. But according
to al Jazeera, the incident is more likely an act of infanto-terrorism
perpetrated by an agent of the youthful al Qaeda fringe group,
There are conflicting reports on the identity and whereabouts
of the baby, which was flung into the crowd by President Bush
then shackled and sent to Guantanamo Bay for interrogation.
In other convention news: Defense Secretary Rumsfeld has
asked for a legal ruling on whether hostile infants are subject
to the Geneva Conventions.
August 27, 2004
Gazette endorses George W. Bush
The Humor Gazette, preparing its blockbuster coverage of
the Republican National Convention, has already run into a
A group calling itself Lying
Sacks of Elephant Dung for Bush has apparently launched
a smear campaign against the Gazette, claiming the publication
did not deserve its three Purple Funnybone awards for wartime
The Bush attack dogs, a drooling pack of failed Republican
comics, even called into question a prestigious Bronze
Groucho awarded to Gazette editor John Breneman by
the New England Press Association in 2001.
Sen. Bob Dole called the Gazette's humor "superficial"
and suggested it be banned from covering the Republican Convention
unless it signed a loyalty oath to President Bush.
Gazette publisher Arturo DiMaunchie responded quickly, calling
President Bush "a major league jackass" and "perhaps
the slimiest president of all-time," while pledging that
the paper's "fair and balanced" convention coverage
would not be affected by the president's "moral
cowardice" nor his lame, possibly illegal, attempt
credit for the Iraqi soccer team's Olympic glory.
smears Humor Gazette:
March 31 report documents pattern of harrassment
August 23, 2004
in U.S. political war
Hostilities between warring factions intensified today with
a harsh new attack by a group called Swift Boat Veterans Who
Want to Gouge Kerry's Eyes Out. MORE
August 20, 2004
fines NBC for Olympic coverage
The FCC has imposed a hefty fine on NBC for repeatedly broadcasting
the word "snatch" during coverage of Olympic weightlifting
competition. Federal censors added that many viewers might
also be offended by the imagery evoked by the words "clean
The weightlifting competition also features "more grunting
that you hear in most porn movies," said Powell, adding
of the Olympic Games in general, "What do you expect
from an event that used to be held in the nude." MORE
August 18, 2004
Iditarod run with team of Corgis
By Chris Elliott
August 16, 2004
passes Nuke-u-lar litmus test
By Chris Elliott
August 13, 2004
August 11, 2004
decision lacks intelligence
Bush tabs partisan goon to head CIA)
August 9, 2004
to beat Kerry 'dead or alive'
By John Breneman
Looking ahead to the Republican National Convention, President
Bush has been touring the country test-marketing campaign
slogans designed to counter the Kerry-Edwards promise that
"Hope is on the way."
"Terror is on the way!" the president shouted at
a pro-Bush picnic in Stratham, N.H.
"Bring 'em on," Bush said of Kerry and Edwards
during a stop in Peoria, Illinois. Then, as some unidentified
white foam appeared at the corners of his mouth, the president
added that he plans to pummel the Democratic insurgents "dead
August 6, 2004
One fish two fish, red fish dead
Responding to harsh criticism from the New
York Times that his Crayola-based terror alert system
is more useful to late-night comedians than the American public,
Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge today announced that
he is switching to a fish-based system.
Henceforth, instead of standing in front of a color-coded
chart while simultaneously warning Americans to be very afraid
and reassuring them about "the president's leadership
in the war against terror," Ridge will simply spread
his hands apart - close together if the terror threat is minimal,
and very far apart if an attack seems imminent.
On occasion, he may use an actual fish. Perhaps one swordfish
if the terrorists are coming by land, two North Atlantic salmon
if by sea. Three flying fish if the bastards are coming by
plane again. And a standard 12-inch parrotfish when bursting
onto the scene at politically convenient moments to hail the
captain's firm hand at the helm.
at risk of attack by giant pterodactyl
issues new terror warning
August 5, 2004
Humor Gazette editor admits ignorance
I had never heard of a "Googlewhack" until alert
reader Kieran Nelson (possibly an alias) wrote to inform us
that we have the distinction of being the only site that appears
when one runs a Google search (no quote marks) for two magic
words ... "whimwham" and "hullabaloo."
Strange things can happen when you try to discover a new
Googlewhack. For example, I punched in the words Abdullah
Oblongata and found three entries of interest.
One: She is a fictional 6-year-old Iraqi girl being featured
by the fictitious (I hope) Kill
the Children foundation sponsored by Howard Dean.
Two: He is apparently a Yale fraternity brother of George
W. Bush in a satire piece entitled "Bush
to recognize ruthless Taliban as "faith-based organization."
Three: Mr. Oblongata averages 5.8 points and 4.9 rebounds
per game for Williams
University in the fictional Global Collegiate Basketball
I'm sure there must be at least one other Humor Gazette-based
Googlewhack, but it is not "rotgut chitlins" or
August 4, 2004
issues new terror warning
Citing new intelligence received from Nostradamus, Tom Ridge
today warned all Americans to "hold onto their hats."
Ridge, director of the U.S. Department of Terror, said agents
have discovered a new document in which the mysterious 16th-century
prophet speaks of a "grave and gathering danger"
posed by an unidentified "beast from the Middle East."
The fact that the new terror alert comes on the heels of
the John Kerry's rousing speech at the Democratic National
Convention is just a coincidence, said Ridge, who nevertheless
warned that registered Democrats may be at heightened risk.
"The terrorists hate the word 'democracy' so much they
are hoping to kill as many Democrats as possible," said
Ridge, who urged all Dems to re-register as Republicans and
vote for President Bush "just to be safe." MORE
August 2, 2004
Gazette endorses Kerry, seriously
Though primarily a humor publication, the Humor Gazette is
run by a longtime journalist who reserves the right to be
serious about important issues facing America and the world.
See our endorsement HERE.
July 30, 2004
John Kerry promised Thursday night to be a commander in chief
will never mislead us into war."
Here is the
text of Kerry's speech accepting the Democratic nomination
for President of the United States.
Also, here is some analysis
by David Corn, Washington editor of The Nation magazine
and author of "The Lies of George W. Bush: Mastering
the Politics of Deception."
July 29, 2004
discovers evidence of Iraq WMDs
Humor Gazette investigative reporter Chris
Elliott has discovered shocking evidence that Saddam
Hussein possessed weapons of mass destruction.
The smoking gun?
A slick Madison Avenue-quality advertisement for a hideous
biological weapon called "Kurd
Be Gone," described as "the latest in tribe
control products from Hussein Laboratories." MORE
July 28, 2004
pens anti-Bush poetry
-- Saddam Hussein is passing his time in solitary confinement
by reading the Koran, writing poetry, gardening and snacking
on American-style cookies and muffins
Humor Gazette has obtained several of Hussein's poems from
a source close to the guy who smuggles in his favorite Oreos,
Keeblers and Little Debbie Snack Cakes. Consider this haiku
Mother of all warmongers
here for more Hussein poetry
July 26, 2004
Ridge issues Homeland Security horoscope!!
July 23, 2004
President cloned by Dr. Gene Meddler
Scientists at the University of South Berwick announced today
they have successfully cloned a multi-cell organism that bears
a striking resemblance to President George W. Bush. The president
sharply criticized the scientific breakthrough as "morally
wrong." But the Bush clone (dubbed W2) believes just
as strongly that human cloning is "morally right."
This according to its creator, Dr. Gene Meddler.
the complete story
July 21, 2004
Catholic Church Introduces Low-Carb Communion
Please note that the following is a parody and not based
on fact. As far as we know there is no such thing as an Atkins
Communion Wafer. Yet.
In an effort to stem the tide of apostasy from the Catholic
church, the National Catholic Church of America (NCCA) has
introduced a low-carb communion wafer. Since the priest sex
abuse scandal, the Catholic church has been losing parishioners
at an unprecedented rate, and something had to be done to
stop the hemorrhaging. At this point, people seem to
be looking for any excuse to leave, said Boston Archdiocese
spokesman Hugh Bennet. We dont want a high-carb
communion wafer to cause somebody already on the fence to
finally renounce the church.
Read the complete story
More from: Chris Elliott's "From
A desire for change is in the air
No justification for terrorism
Ronald Reagan you're no John F. Kennedy
"The Watley Review":
House Suggests Reinstating Literacy Requirements for Voting
July 19, 2004
Let phony horoscopes guide you
Newspaper horoscopes are stupid, right? The savvy reader
knows they're just pithy snippets of random advice whose actual
relevance to our lives is either purely coincidental or completely
But they can be fun if not taken too seriously. In that spirit,
the planets have aligned to cast an irreverent aura over my
karma. The result may seem somewhat astro-illogical.
de France proves not Atkins-friendly
Versus Dick Cheney: A Look Ahead to the Vice-Presidential
July 16, 2004
I'm tying the heterosexual knot this weekend, so I've been
a little distracted. Here is a note I wrote to a friend of
mine a little while back when he was getting married... Letter
to the Groom
July 15, 2004
stupid gay marriage amendment is so gay.
for the Constitution, man
weddings frowned upon, too
July 14, 2004
faulty intelligence from God
A Senate panel not only determined the U.S. used bad information
to justify the war in Iraq, it also weighed in on a report
that President Bush may have received faulty intelligence
Bush, who claims to have consulted the Lord before making
the decision to go to war, said God convinced him that Iraq
had weapons of mass destruction and told him Saddam Hussein
was a "madman" and a "freedom-hating thug."
When asked specifically if Hussein was connected to al Qaeda,
Bush said the Creator-in-Chief responded, "Yep."
But the Senate panel investigating pre-war intelligence said
that, even though the president talks about religion a lot
and ends every speech with the words "God Bless America,"
it could find no direct link between President Bush and the
However, Vice President Dick Cheney defended a possible White
House-Heaven link, saying the absence of documentation that
Bush talked directly to God does not mean such a meeting did
not take place.
Washington observers say the possibility that Bush got bad
intelligence from "the man upstairs" has not diminished
the president's faith in God. Bush has resisted pressure to
dump the Lord from his Cabinet and said the omnipotent deity
is doing "a fabulous job."
Supporters say they cannot blame Bush for faulty intelligence
about Iraq's weapons if it came directly from the great warrior
in the sky. Democrats, however, claim the intelligence failure
between Bush and the Lord dates back as early as 1946, when
God created the future president.
Please consider casting a vote for the Humor Gazette
July 13, 2004
Here are a couple of funny stories from Humor
autobiography to be published In pamphlet
man sells Kerry Edwards sells website for $900 billion
The Enduring Vision
overestimated Boogey Man threat
July 12, 2004
being outsourced by protesters
Chris Elliott There is a growing
trend among protesters in America to outsource many of their
protests to India, Pakistan, Egypt, and other countries. Protesters
complain that for one thing, there is just too much for them
to protest. MORE
July 9, 2004
Hussein to plead temporary
analysts say Saddam Hussein plans to fight charges of war
crimes and genocide by pleading temporary insanity.
"I am Saddam Hussein, president of Iraq," said
the disgraced ex-dictator, adding, "Saddam I am. I do
not like green eggs and ham."
Hussein told an Iraqi judge that he is also a CIA hitman,
a Mesopotamian deity and a porn star known by the stage name
Dick Tater. The desperate Hussein also claimed he partied
with Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld back in 1983-84.
Noted legal superstar Johnnie Cochran told Don Imus that
he told Oprah that Hussein's insanity defense is bolstered
by the fact that President Bush has called him a "madman"
approximately 12,465 times since Sept. 1, 2001. MORE
Enron Ghraib? President Bush
said today he will not authorize the use of torture to get
alleged white-collar criminal Kenneth Lay to confess wrongdoing
in the Enron scandal.
Though 40 percent Americans surveyed said they would not
object to stripping Lay naked and throwing him into a pigpile
of Enron rifraff, the president said the pal
he used to call "Kenny-Boy" should not be
subjected to such treatment. After all, Enron gave an estimated
$3 million to Republicans during 1998-2002, more
than half a million to Bush himself.
The president also ruled out putting underwear over Lay's
head and attaching electrodes to his genitals. Citing his
own experience as an alleged white-collar criminal,
Bush added that business executives should not be threatened
by intimidating corporate watchdogs.
July 7, 2004
the reality TV people got ahold of the Olympic Games?
to July 4, 1776
Had to dash down to the Library of Congress this week because
I realized I had an overdue book ("Curious George Plays
With Fireworks"). While I was there, I began snooping
around and stumbled across a document that sheds startling
new light on our nation's very first July
The year was 1776. Thomas Jefferson threw a barbecue at his
house and all the founding fathers were there, along with
everybody who was anybody during those heady days before the
The Washingtons -- George, Martha and little Denzel -- stopped
by with some of Martha's famous lo-carb cherry pie, considered
to be the tastiest in the Colonies. MORE
spins off Spider-man's web
VP expands 'Go fuck
Vice President Dick Cheney today expanded
his Go Fuck Yourself (GFY) list to include John
Kerry, the liberal media and filmmaker Michael Moore.
Cheney said he was invoking expletive privilege
to curse out Sen. Patrick Leahy and "any other
fucking sonofabitch who ticks me off."
said he "felt better after" dropping the
F-Bomb on Sen. Leahy. Other additions to
Cheney's GFY enemies list include Al Franken, Sen.
Patrick Leahy's mother and "that fucking piece
of shit Humor Gazette."
Warning: The following satire contains
adult language, Dick Cheney-style
By Chris Elliott Two days
after telling Sen. Patrick Leahy to "go
fuck yourself," Dick Cheney has been scolded
by several government officials. But the plucky vice president
shows no signs of backing off from his gutter-mouth ways.
Sen. Barbara Boxer told Cheney his lack of respect and decorum
were unbecoming a man in his position, to which Cheney replied,
"Shut the fuck up you fucking douchebag."
Massachusetts congressman Barney Frank drafted an open letter
to Cheney in which he accused him of being the most divisive
vice president in the history of this nation. When asked for
a rebuttal by White House correspondent David Gregory, Cheney
said, "I don't give a shit what that faggot thinks."
Democrats aren't the only ones calling Cheney's rhetoric
into question. Arizona senator John McCain recollected President
Bush and Cheney referring to a New York Times reporter as
a "major league asshole" while on a campaign stop
in New York. McCain suggested this second instance of public
profanity reflected a thuggish and bullying overall attitude.
Cheney called McCain a "fucking dickhead" for bringing
it up and told him to "eat shit."
When asked for his opinion on the recent flap, the president
defended his second in command. "I know some people have
been offended by it," Bush said, "but at least he
resisted calling Hillary Clinton a fat bitch. I know for a
fact that he wanted to."
Accomplished'? U.S. throws surprise party for Iraq
Rumsfeld cites link between Saddam Hussein
and ... Rumsfeld
While Donald Rumsfeld was in Baghdad in 1984 to grease Saddam
Hussein for oil, the Iraqi madman was whacking Iranian soldiers
with chemical weapons. Rummy must have been outraged, right?
Back then it was handshakes and smiles for Hussein, who became
a "grave and gathering danger" with plenty
of help from his pals in Washington.
Rumsfeld and the Bush gang went to war over weapons of mass
destruction that Hussein turned out not to have. But when
Hussein was spraying his foes with mustard gas 20 years ago,
Rummy kept his yap shut. Here's a quote from an August 2002
by Jeremy Scahill in Common Dreams:
In 1984, Donald Rumsfeld was in a position to draw the
world's attention to Saddam's chemical threat. He was in Baghdad
as the UN concluded that chemical weapons had been used against
Iran. He was armed with a fresh communication from the State
Department that it had "available evidence" Iraq
was using chemical weapons. But Rumsfeld said nothing.
He was too busy kissing Hussein's ass.
Around this time the Butcher of Baghdad was also buying all
the American-made helicopters he could get his hands on. He
was even getting poisonous chemicals and biological agents
from U.S. companies, according to this
"Rotten" Rumsfeld bio. Here's a quote:
As a result of the openings created by Rumsfeld's (1983-84)
diplomatic triumphs, U.S. companies were recruited and encouraged,
both covertly and overtly, to ship poisonous chemicals and
biological agents to Iraq, by the administrations of both
Reagan and George Bush Sr. Care packages to Saddam included
sample strains of anthrax and bubonic plague, and components
which would be used to develop nerve poisons like sarin gas
The nerve of these guys.
Even a bit of pro-Rumsfeld
propaganda says, "Mr. Rumsfeld and Saddam Hussein
did not have time to address Iraq's use of chemical weapons,
but instead discussed the (oil) pipeline project and other
Revisionist Rumsfeld now claims he cautioned Hussein about
the use of chemical weapons. Do you believe him? If so, perhaps
I could interest you in a piece of prime swampland in Falluja.
old flame -- by Jim Vallette in Tom Paine / Here's a quote:
The lesson to be drawn from Bechtel, the Aqaba pipeline
and the present conflict is that an "evil dictator"
is a friend of the United States when he is ready to do business,
and a mortal enemy when he is not. Sadly, it is our sons and
daughters, brothers and sisters, who must pay the price when
a deal goes bad.
Bush butchered those pesky words "Abu Guh-reff"
abu-again yesterday, this time in a press conference with
the prime minister of Hungary. The transcript doesn't reflect
it but Daily Show anchor Jon Stewart made hay with the embarassing
video clip, which can be seen here.
Repeat after me: "Ah-Boo
... Guh-Reb." Or something like that.
You can call me Al
The White House today produced evidence of a clear link between
Iraq and Al Qaeda, reporting that in 1999 a Baltimore accountant
named Albert "Al" Qaeda ordered a Persian rug for
his grandmother from a Baghdad carpet warehouse.
Vice President Dick Cheney explained: "We never said
there was a connection between Iraq and the
al Qaeda, just an al Qaeda."
This just in from the
9/11 panel finds 'no credible link' between Bush and credibility.
The Times, with its punchy headline-punchline format, also
-- Bush approves use of Iraqi stem cells
-- Cheney denies buying Brooklyn Bridge from Chalabi
-- White House links Kevin Bacon to 9/11 attacks
-- Report: bin Laden family members received frequent flyer
In other fake news:
unveils new "Hey, I Just Work Here!" campaign slogan
attacked by Saddam's gun
June 22, 2004
Clinton memoir penned with company
Bill Clinton writes that his dream of becoming president
began during a fortuitous 1963 visit with John F. Kennedy,
who told him the job was "great for nailing chicks."
As his biography, "My Life" hits bookstores today,
Clinton said he failed to launch a more aggressive effort
to capture Osama bin Laden in part because intelligence reports
indicated the terrorist kingpin had virtually no access to
"high-quality Arabian tail."
The book (subtitled "Wham Bam Thank You Ma'am")
has already hit #1 on the Humor Gazette bestseller list. It
is also #1 at Amazon.com despite protests that publisher Alfred
A. Knopf raped an Amazon rainforest to print the hefty 957-page
wad of Bill.
York Times called the work "skanky,
auto-erotic and libido-crushingly dull," lamenting
that the memoir contains no mention of Clinton's alleged Lincoln
Bedroom gangbangs or his racy "Interns Gone Wild"
I did not bang that pudgy,
beret-wearing, DNA-stained-dress-saving ho, Miss Lewinsky.
Though the book is jam-packed with what top reviewers call
"boring stuff," its pages are not completely unstained
by seminal passages penned from the Great Fornicator's indelible
dip into "company ink." Clinton does not defend
his handling of the Lewinsky Missile Crisis.
Clinton characterized his antics with the White House intern
as "morally indefensible," but "grammatically,
linguistically and legally defensible." He claimed he
not have relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky"
simply "because he could," and also because a devilish
3-inch-high JFK kept popping up on his shoulder quoting the
Marilyn Monroe Doctrine to egg him on.
Clinton confesses that when he told Hillary about the non-affair
him with a Teflon frying pan. He also makes fresh
accusations that special prosecutor Kenneth Starr screwed
him on a Whitewater rafting expedition.
But perhaps most telling of all, the former president confides
that when making key decisions he always listens more closely
to his left nut than his more conservative right.
Maureen Dowd -- Because
Journalism.org -- The
Whitehouse.org - Miss
June 21, 2004
I'm John Breneman and I approved this message
George W. Bush rubs me the wrong way. Yes, I admit it is not
very nice to call the President of the United States a "flaming
asshole," but that's just how I feel. I can barely stand
the sight of his smug, lying face. But there he is on my goddamn
television, every day, spending those millions from his bottomless
latest campaign ad, the president displays his unparalleled
talent for coming across as a jerk even when delivering a
"positive" soundbite. Watch Bush's face and body
language when he says: "I'm optimistic about America
because I believe in the people of America."
He's got that half smirk going, and he's shaking his head
"no" as if he's dismissing the latest pain-in-the-ass
question about his war, as if he is about to add, "I'd
be very careful about denigrating the spirit of the American
But that's just Bush playing one of his favorite, most transparent
games. You know the one: No matter what the question is, Bush
pretends the questioner has just insulted America and that
he is stepping in to defend her.
I know it would probably be much more helpful to offer a
reasoned, analytical critique of Bush's policies. But some
days it seems more important to just call him a friggin' jackass
and leave it at that.
recent Humor Gazette report that Osama bin Laden and
Saddam Hussein shared an intimate relationship that resulted
in marriage and the adoption of a shaved-ape baby, a bin Laden
spokesmen tells esteemed fake news man Andy Borowitz that
the wild and crazy evildoers are "just
June 18, 2004
Sunday is Father's Day.
Here is a humorous
salute to an outstanding dad, mine.
June 17, 2004
What !?!?! You mean those 9/11 suicide bombers didn't come
from Baghdad? Then why did Presidents
Bush and Cheney brainwash half the country into believing
there was a link
between evil Osama and evil Saddam? I guess to protect
us from all those weapons of mass destruction.
The commission investigating the 9/11 attacks essentially
has said, "Read
my lips, no connection." But Cheney is not convinced,
pointing out today in an interview with Sesame Street magazine
that Iraq and al Qaeda both make prominent use of the letter
The Humor Gazette has learned that Hussein
and bin Laden were, in fact, gay lovers who adopted a baby
chimp shortly after exchanging wedding vows in 2003.
The source of this information is a report in the tabloid
For an impressive selection of stories chronicling the zany
antics of President Smirky, peel yourself a couple bananas
and read the
This Won't Hurt Much
Terry Jones of Monty Python's Flying Circus puts "torture"
in perspective in
this piece from the Guardian.
June 16, 2004
Fistful of Jelly Beans
By John Breneman
The presidency, The Gipper now reminds us, is performance
And so George Bush, badly miscast as leader of the free world,
plays President George W. Bush -- part action hero, part villain,
part Burt Reynolds ham -- with a devious twinkle and a trillion-dollar
It is no secret that to faithfully execute their duties as
Infotainers-in-Chief, both men have drawn inspiration from
iconic movie strongmen Clint Eastwood and John Wayne.
Dutch did Dirty Harry. "Make my day."
Bush does the Duke. "Dead or alive."
You with me, punk?
It's Dutch, the Duke, Josey and George.
And it can get a little confusing.
Did Reagan star in "Hellcats of the Navy" (1957)?
Or was it Bush in "Hellcat of the National Guard"
Was it Wayne in "Sands of Iwo Jima" or W. in "Sands
John showed us "How the West Was Won" and the West
won the Cold War with Ron. Clint gripped his "Fistful
of Dollars," Ronnie his "Fistful of Jelly Beans."
Mucho cowboy karma links the swaggering Duke to the Tumbleweed
Shrub. Wayne played "The Lucky Texan" in 1934. Bush
was born into the same role in 1946.
Duke did "Back to Bataan." Bush, "Back to
Wayne personified "True Grit." Bush personifies
after year, Wayne rode the white horse in films whose titles
now haunt the White House. "Born Reckless" (1930),
"Two-Fisted Law" (1932), "Texas Terror"
(1935), "The Lawless Nineties" (1936), "They
Were Expendable" (1945), "Without Reservations"
(1946), "Angel and the Badman" (1947), "Plunder
of the Sun" (1953), "Trouble Along the Way"
(1953), "The High and the Mighty" (1954), "Blood
Alley" (1955), "The Conqueror" (1956), "Circus
World" (1964), "Cast a Giant Shadow" (1966)
and "Hellfighters" (1968).
You get my meaning, Pilgrim?
Once those tinhorn judges named Bush sheriff he headed East,
Eastwood-style, packing a "Fistful of Tax Cuts,"
trigger finger on his .44 Magnum, itching to bust Saddam Hussein
"Every Which Way But Loose." The star of "Sudden
Impact" has had more than a subtle impact on the failed
Texas oilman turned international enforcer.
Clint's movie titles, too, echo through the Bush filmography.
"Revenge of the Creature" (1955), "The Beguiled"
(1971), "The Dead Pool" (1988), "White Hunter,
Black Heart" (1990), "Absolute Power" (1997),
"True Crime" (1999) and "Space Cowboys"
"The Good, the Bad and the Axis of Evil."
Knute Rockne to Newt Gingrich, Dutch and W. cross paths along
the dusty trail. Rancher Reagan's brand was the Silver Screen,
Bush's the Silver Spoon. Ronnie instinctively knew when it
was "Bedtime for Bonzo." Not so with Georgie and
"Bedtime for Rummy." Reagan ordered Mr. Gorbachev
to "tear down this wall." The wall Mr. Bush wants
demolished separates Church and State.
The Hollywood airbrush could never mask all of Ronald Reagan's
warts. But he seemed sincere when he evoked the spirit of
his 1943 short film "For God and Country." In President
Bush's script those words read more like a soundbite from
a spaghetti western.
Please consider casting a vote for the Humor Gazette
stars in Michael Moore's "Fahrenheit 9/11"
What's wrong with this portrait?
Did George W. Bush inhale some Iraqi oil fumes yesterday?
Why else would he call Bill Clinton a man of "incredible
energy and great personal appeal"? What a spectacle:
Slick Willie standing next to an oil-based likeness of his
mug while W. did the Texas Two-Face.
I know the unveiling
of official White House portraits of a former president
and first lady calls for a monetary lapse of bipartisan monkey
dirt. But, call me cynical, I have this weird sense someone
is trying to trick me when President Bush says of ex-President
Clinton, "As chief executive he showed a deep and far-ranging
knowledge of public policy, a great compassion for people
in need, and a forward looking spirit that Americans like
in a president."
This is the same Bush who weaseled into the White House saying
Clinton had stripped it of "honor
and integrity" and promising to fix it. His approval
rating team apparently is working overtime to siphon a few
percentage points, first from the Gipper and now the Slickster.
He's a crafty one that Bush
crafty like a Fox News
And one more thing. Can someone enlighten me, why did Clinton
say he felt like "a pickle stepping into history"?
I still like these presidential
portraits by the 3rd graders in Osseo, Wisconsin.
Check out their version of President
42 and his new bestest pal, President
Next up: Oh, the
things you have to believe to be a Republican today.
urge greybeards and whipper-snappers alike to peruse the offerings
of an estimable satiric publication entitled The
Watley Review. In addition to purveying such fine
political satire as "Rumsfeld
Denies Knowledge of Scandals No One Knew About,"
this guy can make anything funny. Random example, turn
Wall Street rocked by Capitalist
Piggy Bank Syndrome.
Bush takes Saddam's gun
on three-country rampage (Click
or see below)
Bush impersonator Steve Bridges
June 11, 2004
Had enough of the real George W. Bush? Here's
a fake one. Bush impersonator Steve Bridges says he
got his start "doing impersonations in his youth of the
In this article
in American Entertainment Magazine, he quotes the
real Bush telling him, "You see a tape where somebody
looks like ya, acts like ya, talks like ya, that's weird."
Also, Molly Ivins chronicles Bush's
Kiss of Death in Alternet.
Uncle Sam sez today would be a good day to vote
for the Humor Gazette at the Satire Awards. We have
a solid chance in one category: Best
The Gazette entry -- Bush
drops a comic bomb -- satirizes the president's side-splitting
weapons of mass destruction comedy routine. Your vote can
make the difference. Plus I'd hate to be forced to launch
a blistering series of attack ads against my opponents.
I need support from the following demographics and voting
blocs: soccer moms; deadbeat dads; registered Whig Party voters;
compassionate conservatives and knee-jerk, bleeding heart
tax-and-spend liberals; Reagan Democrats and Kucinich Republicans;
Iraqi detainees; hawks, doves, donkeys and pachyderms; red,
white and blue supremacists; lesbian lumberjacks; slackers
and Test-Tube Baby Boomers.
Other leading contenders in this category include:
Men' crucial to 2004 Presidential Election
Bush Education Budget Provides More Basketball Hoops
to Inner City Schools
Protesters Persuade Bush to Postpone War on Iraq
SARS Confusion, President Bush Bans Sears
The Enduring Vision
My campaign has been endorsed by the non-partisan Gut-Buster
Institute, Count Dracula, Local #612 of the Federation of
Ball Busters, Crash-Test
Dummies for Ralph Nader and the influential Bush people
of the Australian Outback.
let the jack-booted government storm troopers stomp on your
God-given right to read sharp-edged political and social satire.
Vote Humor Gazette in 2004. Thank you for your support!
Cold Warrior" CBS canceled
Reagans" docudrama last November, but several
other made-for-TV projects have the green light. ABC is reportedly
negotiating with Jack Nicholson (right) to play a maniacal,
wise-cracking Nixon who holes up in the White House with a
shotgun rather than relinquish the incriminating audiotapes
that would ultimately end his presidency in a hail of gunfire.
Or how about Jim Carrey as a lanky, rubber-faced Abraham
and circumstance A heartfelt
to the man and his hair by a former Reagan speechwriter*
June 9, 2004
Gazette has obtained a secret
Justice Department memo distinguishing between "good
torture" and "bad torture," and setting the
groundwork for an ingenious "few
bad apples" defense in case the world catches
In a related document, White House legal counsel Alberto
R. Gonzales opined that the "quaint"
Geneva Conventions are a pain in Uncle Sam's red,
white and blue ass.
The confidential memo, hidden by John
Ashcroft in an iron-clad lockbox, says U.S. interrogators
may utilize dog leashes, sexual abuse, and the mocking "thumbs-up"
gesture considered particularly humiliating in Muslim culture.
It is also OK to strip prisoners naked and photograph them
hopping on one foot chanting the Pledge of Allegiance, but
only the "Under God" version.
Frowned upon are such techniques as Chinese watermelon torture,
unnecessary fatal beatings and using toothpicks to hold detainees
eyes open while they're forced to watch reruns of "America's
Funniest Prison Abuse Videos."
Also frowned upon, goody-two-combat-boots soldiers reminding
superiors that the America they are fighting for believes
in human rights and all that junk.
Hey, at least it wasn't some sort of Spanish Inquisition.
(Remember the lads from Monty
Python torturing an infidel using soft cushions and
a comfy chair?)
Denies Torture Rules Allow Use of Carrot Top Videos
White House memo: How to spin Reagan's death Confusion
June 8, 2004
diplomacy. How come when Ronald Reagan did it -- "Make
my day," "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down the wall"
-- it sounded cool, bold, presidential?
when George W. Bush swaggers into Clint Eastwood country --
'em on," "Dead
or alive" -- he sounds like some phony John Wayne
wannabe trying to prove he's a tough guy?
Poor Bush. Even Reagan
had a military record.
He killed a dozen Japs with one steely glare, and 15 Krauts
by sneering "Make my day." Not really. "Eyesight
difficulties" limited his duty to in the Army's elite
movie-making unit. The Hollywood
soldier also served as Cmdr. Casey Abbott, captain
of the USS Starfish, in "Hellcats of the Navy" (1957)
President Bush is taking Reagan's death pretty hard. The
Gazette is reporting that Bush took his favorite new
Hussein handgun on a three-country rampage over the
weekend, firing off shots and yelling "Eeee-haaah!!"
before crashing a stolen pickup on some loose soil in Pakistan.
Limbaugh called the president's joyride "a fraternity
prank" and said Bush was just blowing
off a little steam after a grueling week spent perfecting
his pronunciation of the word "sovereignty" for
the big day.
This just in ... Ronnie saved Marilyn Monroe from
a Communist takeover in 1959.
Regardless of one's political beliefs, there are many ways
to honor the late, great celluloid president. And not just
feeding a chimpanzee from a baby bottle.
Why not suck back a pack of smooth, easy-smoking Chesterfields?
Just say Yes. The Marlboro President sure wasn't afraid to
roll up his sleeves and puff for a paycheck. "Smoke
'em out if you got 'em."
health posters are provided as a satiric government
service by WhiteHouse.org.
Everybody Loves Reagan
Sort of. Here are actor
Ian McKellen's reminiscences about his fellow thespian.
King Lear is mostly kind to the Gipper but takes him to task
for his silence on the growing AIDS epidemic.
This Modern World has a harsh Reagan-Bob
Hope-AIDS anecdote (under the heading "Andy's
Andy (Sullivan) defends himself here (under
the heading: "Reagan
Now for some weird stuff. This guy "sued"
Ronald Reagan for "deliberate, reckless, and
nefarious disregard of his constitutional rights."
Say it ain't so.
Cuts in federal funding for guerilla theater threaten
the future of The
Ronald Reagan Home for the Criminally Insane.
Well I'll be damned. This site offers "Evidence
that Ronald Reagan was the Beast of Revelation."
I thought Commies were supposed to be the Devil.
The Washington Pox correctly predicted on Dec. 29, 2003,
that congressional Republicans would pus for the U.S. to put
face on the moon.
ConfusionRoad.com offers this point-counterpoint
between Reagan and Arnold Schwarzenegger.
And, what World Wide Web would be complete without Mr.
T and Ronald Reagan Punching Puppets.
Almost forgot, around the time CBS pulled the plug on "The
Reagans" docudrama, I did a short piece about a new "Reagan:
Cold Warrior" action film. Don't miss Barbara
Bush (George Washington) in her big-screen debut. In retrospect,
why would anybody write a story called, Bush
wins Oscar, thanks Axis of Evil?
And finally, let's all tip our cowboy hats to Ronald Reagan.
In fact, why not get Dad a 29-pound bronze
bust of his hero for Father's Day? Just $2,200
George W. Bush model is an American classic -- a bargain
at $400. I bought a case of 24 and sprinkled them around the
apartment so I can be inspired by his God-based, devil-may-care
leadership throughout the day.
item is both precious and priceless. A timeless
portrait of Ronald Reagan by Danielle, a third grader
in Osseo, Wisconsin. Her friend Steven's rendering of a devious-looking
George W. Bush (right) is both haunting and disturbing.
And so the nation mourns. Here's hoping the Reagan children
don't fight too much over who gets Reagan Washington National
death timed to distract attention from Bush's disastrous
D-Day speech DeadBrain
Reagan Is Still Dead The Daily Farce
Monday, June 7, 2004
Looks like my crack team of wisecrackers is going to take
a crack at a humor blog. Here goes:
Reagan was handy with a wisecrack. Remember the time
(Aug. 11, 1984) he was joking around before his weekly radio
address? And he goes
"My fellow Americans, I'm
pleased to tell you today that I've signed legislation that
will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes."
George W. needs more material like that, not his feeble "those
weapons must be around here somewhere" schtick.
The Gipper was a quipper, alright. Here's one. President
walks into a McDonald's in Tuscaloosa, Alabama (Oct. 15, 1984)
and says to his aide, "What am I supposed to order?"
He even dozed off during a (June 7, 1982) meeting with Pope
John Paul II. These fun facts from Reagan's irreverent, "unofficial"
biography at Rotten Tomatoes.
Gippernator also knew how to hold his own with even the cleverest
chimpanzee. At this Reel
Classics bio, Reagan explains that after making "Bedtime
for Bonzo" (1951), he refused to do a sequel called "Bonzo
Goes to College" because it lacked the "credibility"
of the original.
Speaking of chimps and their clandestine role in running
our country, read about more of President Reagan's monkey
business at SmirkingChimp.com.
The Jellybean President also had his philosophical moments.
Like this tidbit from PoliticalHumor.about.com,
"Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession.
I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance
to the first."
Lifted from Slate
Christopher Hitchens recalls meeting Reagan, taking a sample
of his right-brain tissue, and finding him "dumb
as a stump."
economics + 65 Alternet
for Reagan Specious Report
memo rattles White House Watley Review
clues about Stones' age Humor Gazette
silver spoon cause forked tongue?
Even if the latest rumor is true, supporters say, President
Bush will not be the first Washington politician to speak
with a forked
tongue. The state of the president's tongue has provoked
wild speculation, with critics saying Bush's snake-like appendage
proves he has been deceiving the American people. MORE
President to receive Purple Chin award
Bush has been nominated for a Purple Chin award for being
injured in the line of duty during his May 22 mountain bike
tumble. The commander-in-chief reportedly was thinking about
ways to fix his bone-headed war without admitting any mistakes
when he hit a loose patch of dirt.
Critics dismissed it as a silly attempt to beef
up his pathetic military record, first as a flighty
National Guard pilot and now as a bumbling war boss
foolish enough to don a flightsuit and pose with a bogus "Mission
Bush, who nearly made the ultimate sacrifice
after choking on a pretzel
in January 2002, also fell off a hi-tech Segway
scooter in June 2003, and dropped his pooch Barney
on its head last September.
Media analysts differ on what the president
might do for his next zany stunt. One suggested he parachute
into a U.S. military compound in Iraq carrying a fake turkey
for the troops. Another said he should accidentally shoot
himself in the foot at an NRA fundraiser to divert attention
from his malfeasant handling of the war.
claim Bush evaded Boy Scout duty
U.S. at risk of pterodactyl attack
The U.S. has received
credible "chatter" that al-Qaida may or may not
try to attack the U.S. within the next 12 to 1,200 days, perhaps
using a plane, a train, acid rain
or worse, a giant
man-eating pterodactyl. Justice Department wacko John
Ashcroft said he has obtained documents showing that
Osama bin Laden may have manufactured a genetically engineered
Super Terror-Dactyl using prehistoric DNA from Nigeria. Ashcroft
denied he was making up the pterodactyl alert to distract
Americans from President Bush's inept handling of the war
and his trouble using words to communicate. He declined to
reveal the source of his information but said it definitely
was not Ahmad
pledges Democracy R Us
John Breneman As the clock
tick, tick, ticks toward the June 30 transfer of power to
a pseudo-sovereign Iraq, President Bush laid out a five-point
plan to boost his bum
approval rating. Apart from some creative pronunciation
of those pesky words "Abu
Ghraib," the embattled CEO of Democracy R Us
did not waver from reciting each word that had been written
for him. (Good news about Abu, Bush aims to demolish the notorious
torture house and Halliburton has stepped up to do the job
for just $1.2 billion.)
Iraq's conversion to a Halliburton-based
economy will be aided by a transitional Iraqi government
comprised of guys who don't mind having a terrorist bull's
eye painted on their headgear. National elections will come
soon enough. But first it is vital to teach Iraqi politicians
how to divert millions into their campaign war-chests and
slime their opponents with negative ads. Presidential candidates
will also need seminars on how to exploit family connections
and use the Supreme Court to seize power. MORE
damage control gift pack
effective against sobriety
By John Breneman
Ever feel like you wanna pop George Bush right in the kisser?
Smack that smirk off his face? Slug that smug mug?
Youd never do it for real, of course, but wouldnt
it relieve a world of tension to give President 43 the old
1-2? Land a hard left for his right-wing lunacy?
Well, now you can. At BushBops.com.
The bell rings and the crowd goes wild. Your mouse becomes
a fist and every punch connects. You rock him, sock him with
Bush-whacking sound effects.
In this corner
weighing in at 6-0 190 pounds
a black suit and a Shiite-eating grin
And in this corner
mad as hell at this numbskull and not gonna
take it anymore
Its wholesome, harmless fun. Take a couple shots. Biff!
Pow! Give him an uppercut for letting us down. Then click-click
your mouse/fist for a barrage of blows, as you pound his piehole,
his thorax and malignant
A lot of people want to Beat Bush these days,
some of them literally. So if you really want to get physical
you can order
the presidential punching bag for $24.95 and hammer the bum
below the belt like his henchmen have done to John Coulda
Been a Contender Kerry.
But wait, theres more! You can dope slap this dope
for bungling us into war. Whack him for whacking taxes on
the rich. Smack him for being an evasive, unethical sonofabitch.
Bush hid from the fighting in Vietnam, but he cant
duck you. Hit him with a haymaker for being a WMD
wiseacre. Give him an ugly shiner to match the one
America now has in the eyes of the world.
No boxing experience necessary. Bring
says terrorists are behind Newsweek approval rating poll