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Steroids all the rage on Wall St.
By John Breneman
 Recent
reports of a steroid epidemic in Major League Baseball have
spurred shocking allegations about widespread use of performance-enhancing
drugs among stock brokers, politicians and TV news reporters.
"Half the brokers on the floor of the New
York Stock Exchange are juiced," claimed Andrew Stenedione,
a retired Merrill Lynch financial analyst.
"Those guys are animals. Once I was about
to buy 5,000 shares of Bristol Myers Squibb and this 6-foot-7,
320-pound broker just slammed me to the floor to block my
deal," he said.
"Another time I was trying to sell 10,000
shares of MuscleTech at 40 1/8 and one of Salomon Smith Barney's
goon -- eyes bulging, veins popping out of his head -- screamed,
'Gimme those shares at 20 3/4 or I'll rip your friggin' spine
out!'"
Meanwhile, calls for mandatory testing are being
heard from Wall Street to Washington amid reports of ripped
politicians and bulked-up TV news anchors buying new wardrobes
because they can no longer fit into their tailored three-piece
suits.
Violent filibusters and legislative "smackdowns"
are all the rage in Washington, where once-flabby lawmakers
are returning from recess looking like Hulk Hogan. And Congressional
watchdogs say there is alarming evidence that some lawmakers
are turning to Human Growth Hormone to enhance their legislative
performance.
"One well-known Democrat went from sponsoring
12 pieces of legislation in the 2000 legislative session to
147 bills in 2001. You don't get that kind of production from
diet and exercise," said an anonymous Republican strategist.
"God help us if Teddy Kennedy gets a hold of this stuff."
 Baseball
notes: All eyes are on Giants slugger Barry Bonds
this spring as closes in on the all-time record for baseball's
largest head. … Jason Giambi, chisel-chest first
baseman of the N.Y. Yankees, raised suspicions when he reported
for spring training a scrawny shadow of his former he-man
self. But the shrinkage had nothing to do with quitting steroids
now that the heat is on; Giambi explained that he lost the
weight by laying off those fattening peanut butter and Human
Growth Hormone sandwiches. … Just in case Giambi loses
power, the Yanks signed the Incredible Hulk to come
of the bench and play DH. … And finally, Jose Canseco,
the original poster boy for anabolic goodies, was cut by the
Dodgers because he flat-out stinks.
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 Capitalist
piggy banks
By John Breneman
NEW YORK - Technology stocks continued their
decline today as Wall Street reeled from an unprecedented
surge of investment in companies that manufacture and distribute
piggy banks.
Leading analysts interpret this as a sign that investors
have finally figured out that the stock market is a gigantic sham
and therefore are opting to horde their money in colorful pig-shaped
receptacles made of plastic and ceramics.
"People now realize that most high-finance executives
are greedy swine and that the market can no longer be counted upon
to 'bring home the bacon,'" said Bubba Pennington of John Hamcock
Financial Services. "They'd rather slip their hard-earned money
into piggy banks than slop it into the corporate feeding trough."
Brown-chip stocks and pork futures also rose sharply,
with brisk trading of Piggly Wiggly, MicroSty and Tenderloin Technologies.
But shares of AOL Time Warthog continued to plummet
amid frenzied activity on the trading floor, where Wall Street brokers
wallowed in discarded slips of paper while squealing like scared
little capitalist piglets.
7-26-02
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Arthur Andersen
hires consultant Pamela Anderson
Arthur Andersen has hired a high-profile
consultant to salvage the embattled accounting giant, recently
convicted of obstructing a federal inquiry into the Enron
collapse.
Pamela Anderson plans to reinvent the
firm with a sexy new identity cooking the books for the porn
industry.
"Us Andersons have to stick together,
even though they spell their name with an 'e'," said
Ms. Anderson, dressed in a double-breasted Armani suit tailored
to reveal what executives in the so-called Big Five accounting
firms refer to as "The Big Two."
The Senate Banking Committee is analyzing
this new development to determine whether the deal falls under
its regulatory authority.
"We're looking very closely at her
assets," committee chairman Senator Paul S. Sarbanes
said of Ms. Anderson, who was once investigated by the S.E.C.
(Sexual Entertainment Commission) for shredding documents
related to a federal probe of bikini laundering on the set
of "Baywatch."
 Arthur
Andersen also plans to specialize in bookkeeping for
television sitcoms featuring blonde women with enormous
"assets," according to new company spokesperson
Loni Anderson.
John Breneman 6-21-02
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Reinventing the $5
By John Breneman
(May 20, 2000) -- Stop the presses!!
There must be some kind of mistake.
The new five-spots are coming out soon,
but who's that fool on the bill and what has he done
with Abe Lincoln?!?
Relax, I'm sure there's a perfectly good
explanation for all of this. No reason to be alarmed.
Abe is perfectly safe. In fact, he's looking sharper
than ever. He's still got that wise presidential twinkle
in his eye, he parts his hair just the same as always,
and his familiar right ear is even bigger than before.
It's just that the boys down at the Bureau
of Engraving and Printing wanted our 16th president
to look his absolute best for the big May 24 debut of
the redesigned $5, so they sent the fancy new Lincoln
portrait engraving out for a real thorough polishing
job.
Meanwhile, Treasury Secretary Lawrence
H. Summers needed someone to stand in and do some of
the promotional work that, quite frankly, someone as
important and dignified as Mr. Lincoln should not be
bothered with.
I mean, someone has got to tell the public
about all the state-of-the-art security features on
the new 5s and 10s -- the watermarks, the delicate microprinting,
the realistic gangland graffiti spraypainted on the
Lincoln Memorial.
And since I had done such a good job helping
out with the introduction of the new $20 back in August
of '98, my pals down in D.C. shipped me an exquisitely
etched invitation to pitch in again. Naturally, I was
eager to oblige.
See
$5, next page
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