Houston, we have a Super
HOUSTON -- TV officials say this year's
Super Bowl will be watched around the globe by an estimated
1 billion people. And with this year's contest being
held on NASA's homefield, CBS will use a special "Hubble
telescope-cam" to beam images of the game to distant
planets and galaxies.
Planet Earth, indeed our very solar system,
is humming with Super Bowl fever. The Mars rover Opportunity
is even conducting a secret mission to determine whether
football could be played in the Martian atmosphere and,
if so, how low-gravity conditions would affect the passing
Sunday's super-broadcast will go out to
200 countries in 28 languages with subtitles for viewers
in Europe, Asia and parts of Arkansas. It will be close-captioned
for the pigskin-impaired.
The game truly has become an international
spectacle. In North Korea, where President Kim Jong-Il
is said to be a huge Carolina Panthers fan, the telecast
is entitled "American Gridiron Devils XXXVIII."
The 164-hour pre-game show will feature
Super Bowl analysis by Nelson Mandela ("New England
21-13"), Yasser Arafat ("Panthers suicide
bomb the Patriots"), and Britney Spears ("Tom
Brady is a hottie"). There will also be a poignant
feature story on a star Budweiser Clydesdale who will
miss the big game with a pulled hamstring.
The Humor Gazette has learned that Oprah
Winfrey dominated the annual Celebrity Punt, Pass and
Kick contest, flattening Arnold Schwarzenegger and knocking
Woody Allen's glasses off.
Beyonce Knowles will perform the national
anthem, joining such legendary performers as Barry Manilow
(XVIII), Kathie Lee Gifford (XXIX) and The Backstreet
Boys (XXXV) in the pantheon of Super Bowl anthem singers.
CBS will cut to sideline reporter O.J.
Simpson just before halftime for a live update on his
ongoing search for the "real killer."
Super Bowls are notorious
for their halftime extravaganzas and CBS has pledged
this year's gaudy intermission will be "the most
annoying halftime show ever." Janet Jackson will
take the stage with Nelly, Kid Rock and P. Diddy in
a pop-rockin' salute to crass commercialism and celebrity
They join such legendary
performers as Carol Channing (IV), New Kids on the Block
(XXV) and Queen Latifah (XXXII) in the pantheon of Super
Bowl halftime entertainers. Also at halftime, the Patriots
and Panthers cheerleaders will team up for a high-kicking,
knee-slapping salute to the anterior cruciate ligament.
In recent years, the
trend has been more Super and less Bowl. Corporations
that make cars and computers, beer and pizza pay $2.3
million to be on TV for 30 seconds while you go fetch
another bowl of chili.
Of course, the game
itself has become the perfect signature sporting event
for our superpower nation -- body-armored millionaires
bashing foes in a surreal arena of all-American overkill.
Recreational violence with a VIP sideshow.
Former college cheerleader
George W. Bush will call the winning coach in the lockerroom
right after the victory, hoping the half of the nation
that believes he is an incompetent, war-mongering jackass
might think he's not so bad for a minute or two.
Betting on the game is, of course, illegal -- to the
tune of an estimated $4 billion. That's enough money
to buy an official Super Bowl XXXVIII fleece pullover
and a batch of official Super Bowl XXXVIII nachos for
every hungry child in the world.
The economic impact
of the "game" was said to have been worth
$367 million to last year's host city of San Diego,
enough cash to provide health care for
The winning players
get $68,000 each and what looks like a diamond ring
on steroids. The losers pocket $36,500 and a diamond
ring that is merely gigantic.
This year, the Microsoft
two-minute warning will be extended to 15 minutes for
a spectacular "Battle of the Goodyear Blimps"
with celebrity pilots Tom "Top Gun" Cruise
and Stevie Wonder.
Then as the game clock
reaches :00, legendary spaceman John Glenn will flip
a switch launching the Super Bowl XXXVIII commemorative
satellite and a nuclear fireworks display that's chemically
choreographed to scorch a radiant red, white and blue
CBS mushroom cloud into the Texas night sky.
Several noted armchair
psychologists have advised Humor Gazette editor John
Breneman not to watch football anymore.