Summertime
recipes: Roast Ox Smoothie

Though some folks favor lemonade, root beer floats or iced
tea, old-timers know there’s nothing quite like a refreshing
Roast Ox Smoothie to take the edge off on a sweltering summer
day.

INGREDIENTS

1 600-lb. oxen, freshly killed
2 dozen cloves of garlic
1 large sack of onions, cubed
9 gal. Worcestershire sauce
1-1/2 fistfuls of paprika
8 oz. plain yogurt

Throw the onions and garlic into a mixing bowl and thrash
them viciously with a studded leather belt until they begin
to resemble a pile of severely abused chunks of onions and
garlic.

Rub some of the garlic and onion mix onto your teeth and
gums to ward off evil, then place the rest in an all-weather
trash bin. Fling the paprika on top and seal with duct tape.

Next: Decapitate, skin and gut the ox using an ordinary household
oxen shiv, medium-sized chainsaw or a crew of illegal Mexican
laborers. Lightly brush the grotesque uncooked flesh with
Worcestershire marinade and cover with a tarp to protect from
flies and maggots and neighborhood dogs.

Dig a hole in your backyard and fill with wood, coal and
construction debris. (environmental enthusiasts may prefer
to substitute alternative fuels such as switch grass, Duraflame
logs or oxen dung).

Construct a makeshift oxen spit, then muscle the bloody carcass
onto the contraption. Douse the bonfire pit with lighter fluid
or gasoline (at least 89 octane for best results) and ignite,
making sure flames do not exceed 15 feet in height.

Cook for approximately half a day, continually rotating the
gigantic slab so it chars evenly while the center remains
pink and tender. Remove from heat and trim into blender-sized
slabs.

Shovel ingredients into industrial-sized food processor and
puree for 45 minutes.

Dump into a tall glass over ice, garnish with a sprig of
anchovy and serve.

Brain usage: 10% and dropping

By John Breneman

The percentage of the brain that people actually use — once
estimated to be 10%
— is now approximately 8.2% and falling, according to a new
study in the prestigious Imaginary Journal of Medicine.

The percentage of the brain utilized ranges from 12% in places
where there is no cable TV to a stultifying 5.9% in greater
Washington, D.C., according to Daft Foundation neurologist
Dr. Sarah Bellum. The study relied on both societal observations
and scientific testing to reach the conclusion that human
beings are getting dumber by the day.

Among its findings, the report revealed an alarming decrease
in the number of people who have enough sense to look both
ways before crossing the street. However, the number of motorists
who vow they will NEVER use a turn signal, even if it helps
save a human life, appears to have stabilized at 72 percent.

The Daft Foundation team also administered electroencephalogram
(EEG) brain wave tests to a cross-section of test subjects
and found that 92% of them thought EEG referred to an oval-shaped
breakfast food made by a chicken.

The study also reported the estimated percentage of the brain
utilized by the following test groups:

Rocket
scientists — 10.2%
Laboratory mice — 11.3%
Administration officials — 2.1%
Steroid users — 4.2%
Drunk drivers — 0.10%
Reality TV show producers — 1.6%
TV "news" talking heads — 0.003%
Moronic humor columnists — 0.002%

JonBenet sicko linked to Pee-Wee Herman

By
John Breneman

Authorities say John Mark Karr, confessed non-killer of 6-year-old
beauty queen JonBenet Ramsey, has now implicated himself in
the Natalee Holloway case, a Fallujah terror bombing and the
disappearance of Jimmy Hoffa.

The spooky-looking Karr, a natural-born weirdo who suffers
from a rare form of attention deficit disorder, has also claimed
responsibility for visiting a Thai sex-change clinic, fathering
Britney Spears’ second child and a kidnapping scam involving
Paris Hilton’s pet monkey.

"Yeah, that’s it. That’s the ticket," said Karr,
adding that he used to be married to Morgan Fairchild and
is a distant cousin of Pee-Wee Herman.

Karr denied any connection to the Valerie Plame leak, U.S.
intelligence failures in Iraq or the administration’s sluggish
response to Hurricane Katrina – but then quickly recanted,
saying he was to blame. Then he asked if he could have another
nifty free airplane ride with champagne, roast duck and shrimp
cocktail.

Though his DNA ruled him out in the Ramsey slaying, authorities
are still investigating Karr’s claim that he is the bastard
son of Shirley Temple’s love child.

Homeland Security cracks down on snakes

By
John Breneman

Due to heightened Internet and media chatter about a plot
involving some "(mother-fangin’) snakes on a (mother-fangin’)
plane," the Department of Homeland Security today raised
the Reptile Terror Alert Level to red.

Fortunately, Oscar-nominated badass Samuel
L. Jackson reportedly has the mother-fangin’ situation
under control and is getting medieval on the mother-fangin’
serpents in theaters
across the nation.

The FBI is probing possible links to the Monty Python humor
cell and the rumored presence of a uraniumhead yellow snake
from Niger.

Federal officials slithered into action, mandating that all
male passengers be vigorously frisked to determine if they
are concealing anything that resembles a small or medium-size
snake.

Secretary of State Condoleezza
Rice was shocked, saying, "I don’t think anyone
could have predicted those people would use (mother-fangin’)
snakes on a (mother-fangin’) plane as a weapon."

Several leading Republicans accused the Democrats of being
weak in the war on snakism and the media has made sure no
American goes more than 11 minutes without hearing the words
"snakes on a plane."

Related story:
Acorn
plot linked to squirrel terorists — Oct. 7, 2005

Consult
your Homeland Security Horoscope

Hamsters banned from commercial flights

By
John Breneman

The Transportation Security Administration today announced
new airline security restrictions in the wake of the British
plot to blow up planes with soda pop and baby formula. Officials
are also investigating a terror scheme involving hamsters
rigged with explosives and an Islamofascist gecko.

Passengers will no longer be able to carry on the following
liquids: Nitroglycerin, goat milk, chicken soup, barrels of
crude oil, urine samples, Chateau Lafite Rothschild, moist
towelettes and triple lo-fat mocha latte frappuccino. Other
banned liquids include Newman’s Own Islamic Vinaigrette Dressing
and excess saliva or perspiration.

Also prohibited from the passenger compartment: Pez
dispensers, toy assault rifles, cellular and rotary
phones, Match-Lite charcoal briquettes, canned goods, frozen
steaks, stink bombs, pinking shears, kilos of cocaine, Ninja
death stars and most hand grenades.

Also: Acetylene torches, PVC tubing, night-vision goggles,
deep-sea diving apparatus, fake passports, cucumbers
wrapped in tin foil, Ronco bottle and jar cutters,
moth balls, Preparation
H, subversive literature, acorns, pointy
sticks, hollow chocolate Easter
bunnies, Hummel figurines, Elmer’s glue and Mel
Gibson.

Related stories:
IMPORTANT:
Air travel safety tips

Fake
obit: Abu Musab al-Zarqawi — June 9, 2006

Al
Qaeda’s #2 man is cowardly piece of dung — Aug.
5, 2005

London
attack heightens worldwide hatred
of spineless terrorist jerks — July 8, 2005

Suicide
bombers get cold feet, call in sick — June 6,
2005

Bush fails second doping test

By
John Breneman

Now that a second test has confirmed that his blood contained
high levels of artificial testosterone, President Bush faces
the possibility he could be stripped of his cherished "World’s
Greatest President" belt buckle.

Today’s disclosure by the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency also raises
new questions about his controversial 2004 victory over rival
bicycling pantload John Kerry.

Bush has long denied the use of performance-enhancing drugs,
saying he quit back in 1986 when he gave up the booze and
blow. But experts believe there is widespread cheating at
the highest levels of geopolitical competition.

For example, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is said
to be hooked on a cocktail of steroids, opium-laced hashish
and camel growth hormone; Kim Jong Il on Viagra and Courvoisier.
Hezbollah boss Hassan Nasrallah has a wicked crystal meth
habit and Saddam Hussein was a mustard gas freak.

Sources say Bush is fixing to challenge Ahmadinejad and Nasrallah
to a no-holds-barred, Texas-style mountain bike race.

Related stories:
Bonds
rages against steroid allegations — March 8, 2006

Incredible
Hulk implicated in steroid probe — March 18, 2005

Canseco
claims he did steroids with Bush — Feb. 14, 2005

Santa
Claus denies use of steroids — Dec. 25, 2004

Steroids
infiltrating Washington, Wall St.

Romney
apologizes for anti-tar baby rhetoric

By
John Breneman

Clarifying his politically sticky use of the term "tar
baby" in a July 29 speech in Iowa, Gov. Mitt Romney said
he had no idea the term was racially insensitive.

Romney issued a heartfelt apology
to all tar babies, crack babies and test-tube babies, as well
as the NAACP and the lesser-known NAATB.

He said he never meant to offend fans of the legendary Uncle
Remus story about Brer Rabbit, Brer Fox and the Tar Baby by
linking them to his state’s $14.6 billion Big Dig highway
black hole.

Meanwhile, aides have advised Romney that next time he needs
a metaphor likening the bureaucratically grotesque, and now
deadly Big Dig to a "sticky situation," he would
be better off using a more PC term such as "duct-tape
baby" or "epoxy baby."

Romney, widely regarded as one of the whitest white dudes
of all-time, has been criticized as a clueless "blue
blood" by local
black leaders. He’s also been called a "punk"
by the rapper Tar Daddy.

Romney denied reports that he angrily declared, "Tar
babies are responsible for all the wars in the world!"
But polls show 81 percent of voters believe he WOULD eagerly
make such a statement if he believed it would help him get
to the White House.

Related stories:
Why
"Tar Baby" Is Such a Sticky Phrase — Aug.
1, 2006 (Time)

Romney:
The next president — March 29, 2006 (By Chris
Elliott)

Gibson agrees to F-bomb cease-fire

By
John Breneman

Simmering tensions in a strife-torn region of Mel Gibson’s
brain erupted in violence on Friday, when the drunken Hollywood
hatemonger renewed his offensive against Israel while peppering
police with a barrage of F-bombs.

The Oscar winner and Hezbollah spokesman agreed to a cease-fire
and apologized for soiling himself with anti-Semitic bile
while being stopped for drunk driving in Malibu.

He issued a statement apologizing for being a "despicable"
jackass and blaming his intense hatred of Jews on booze. Gibson
assured fans that his obligatory rehab stint will not affect
production of his new film, "Jews Are Responsible For
All the Wars in the World."

He also announced plans to shoot "Lethal Weapon 5"
in Israel, promising lots of explosions, side-splitting gratuitous
violence and plenty of "collateral damage." Joe
Pesci will play a wisecracking suicide bomber and Rene Russo
is on board as Lt. Sugar Tits.

Sobriety
tests revealed the actor’s blood-asshole level was way over
the limit, but Gibson reportedly will not be charged with
lewd behavior for telling the bewildered cop, "I’m going
to (bleep) you."

A spokesman denied reports that Stark Raving Mad Max tried
to bribe his way out of the jam by offering the cops cameos
in his epic about the final days of Adolf Hitler, "The
Passion of the Fuhrer."

Gibson, who is set to play an Islamofascist Archie Bunker
in the dark comedy "Allah in the Family," reportedly
has several more religious-themed films in various stages
of development, including "Schindler’s Grocery List"
(subtitled, with all dialogue spoken in an obscure 12th-century
form of pig Latin) and the nonviolent Hindu comedy "Weekend
at Gandhi’s."

Related story:
Jesus
Christ, box-office superstar, in …
"Lethal Whippin’ " (or "The Bashin’ of the
Christ”) — March 2, 2004

Saddam on hunger strike, gives up Doritos

By
John Breneman

Saddam Hussein has begun another hunger strike, according
to a source who said the cranky tyrant barely touched his
wine-poached Tuscan salmon last night, then turned up his
nose at his tiramisu cheesecake dessert.

Hussein is also refusing his vegetables, even when his jailers
try the U.N.-approved "choo-choo train" method of
getting him to eat. The judge presiding over his trial stated
that holding Hussein in contempt of court wasn’t working,
so he ordered him to be confined in a holding cell for an
extended "timeout."

With his latest tantrum, Hussein reportedly hopes to strike
a blow for deposed genocidal maniacs everywhere. According
to one of his attorneys, "The elite, pro-human rights
media never prints the GOOD news about ruthless totalitarian
dictators."

Related stories:
Saddam
tells judge to ‘go (bleep) yourself’ – Jan.
30, 2006

‘Madman’
Hussein pleads insanity – Nov. 28, 2005

Photos
prove Saddam possessed BVDs – May 23, 2005

Tunnel vision

By John Breneman

I almost called in sick today. My excuse? Post-traumatic
ceiling tile syndrome.

Sorry. Humor is how I cope when life gets weird and ugly,
like it did for that poor woman – Milena Del Valle, Jamaica
Plain mother of three – killed in Monday night’s tunnel
tragedy.

See, I drive to the Boston Herald each morning from New Hampshire
, where there’s no such thing as people being squashed in
tunnels by massive chunks of falling cement. Sure, we Granite
Staters relish our right to "live free or die."
Just not in $14.6 billion taxpayer-funded death traps.

And not to get all "I used to drive through that tunnel
every night" on you, but I used to drive through that
bleeping tunnel every night – back when they were shutting
down the Interstate-93 mine shaft so the late shift could
plug those leaks and squirt fresh Super Glue on the mammoth
concrete slabs hanging over our heads.

Big deal. I’ve come to understand that risky four-wheeling
has been a special part of the Massachusetts experience since
old Sam Adams got pulled over for hitting the homemade hooch
in his horse and buggy.

I try to join right in on the whole "Boston driver"
thing – the honking and cursing, the mad weaving and
artful dodging, the coming to a complete standstill in the
middle of a crowded freeway.

It’s still full speed ahead when I whiz over the Charles
and into the mouth of the Tip O’Neill tube each morning. But
I think I’ve subconsciously added a few inches to the buffer
between my front bumper and the other guy’s tailpipe.

For us nervous New Hampshire commuters, it’s good to know
Gov. Mitt Romney has got our back. Why, after interrupting
his vacation to stage that whack-a-hack press conference for
Big Dig bigwig Matt Amorello, he rushed back to his Lake Winipesaukee
command post faster than you could say "political opportunism."

In his memorable "Something happened" speech, Mitt
bravely called for the hapless Pike head’s head on a pike.
The boys in Iowa sure will be impressed by his knack for turning
tragedy into phony tough talk.

Well the probe is under way and someone will pay. Public
Enemy No. 1 is Amorello Slim. Best guess for No. 2 fall guy?

Investigators will undoubtedly be taking a hard look at Ted
Williams. It’s sort of his tunnel, right? If that bigshot
hadn’t been so busy getting swindled by his jerk son, he might
have found time to make sure that lousy thing lived up to
his good name.

Now the legendary Red Sox slugger has this hanging over his
severed, frozen, hermetically sealed head – half-baked
media reports linking him to the unconscionable death of an
innocent mom at the hands of greedy corporate highway barons,
porky bureaucrats and finger-pointing pols.

Frankly, Ted doesn’t need this baloney. Maybe the feds can
pin it on Whitey Bulger. Better yet, Billy Buckner.

Mitt won’t emerge unscathed. Count on a whole new batch of
Mitt ‘n Run jokes. Did you hear the one about the scariest
Hub highway hazard of ’em all? The constant threat of being
mowed down by a limo racing Romney to his next out-of-state
photo-op.

Anyway, some say part of the charm of Boston driving is never
knowing when the scaffolding might come crashing down or the
roof might cave in. Maybe they should post some new signs.
"Danger: Falling Three-Ton Symbols of Criminally Misspent
Public Funds."