A Bridgeport, Conn., woman is pleading with the court to spare her cat the death penalty for terrorizing and attacking neighbors, the Associated Press reported today.
The razor-clawed perpetrator, identified only as Lewis, allegedly laid siege to an unsuspecting Avon lady as she emerged from her vehicle. He is also accused of three counts of biting a different victim, leaving three sets of fang marks and eight deep scratches as Exhibits A through K.

Read the rest of this entry »

By John Breneman

Michael Jackson today joined the hunt for Jimmy Hoffa, saying
he will pay up to $2 million for the bones of the legendary
union boss, who went missing in 1975. A spokesperson for the Elephant
Man confirmed that Jacko is wacko for Hoffa.

Jackson reportedly showed up at an FBI search site in suburban
Detroit with a Gucci man-purse full of cash and a team of
monkeys equipped with ground-penetrating radar. After a brief
dance atop his custom stretch limo/backhoe, Jackson explained
that his jones for Jimmy’s bones dates back to the 2002 when
he and Macaulay Culkin co-wrote a Hoffa screenplay while hopped
up on Jesus juice. Slated to star Ashton Kutcher as a vacuous
douchebag who wants to locate the missing labor leader to
impress a chick he’s trying to nail, the film’s working title
is "Dude, Where’s Hoffa?"

The Humor Gazette has learned that some of Hollywood’s biggest
names are hopping on the Hoffa bandwagon, hoping to cash in
on renewed public interest in the Teamsters president’s rotting
corpse. Harrison Ford is developing a script for "Indiana
Jones: Quest for Hoffa’s Bones" and sources say Madonna
is pitching a pinball machine love scene with the elusive
labor boss in "Desperately Seeking Hoffa."

Read the rest of this entry »

Ono! … Yoko to blame for McCartney split

By John Breneman

Yoko Ono, widow of John Lennon and perhaps the world’s most
reviled scapegoat, is responsible for the breakup of Paul
McCartney’s marriage to Heather Mills, the Humor Gazette has
learned.

Sources say Mills "really dug" McCartney, but eventually
fell under the spell of Ono’s shrill and relentless portrayal
of Paul as a creative midget next to the God-like genius of
John. Musical analysts say Ono’s new single "(I Ain’t
Sayin’ She a) Peg-Legged Gold Digger" — a three-minute
shriek accompanied by a chorus of baby harp seals in various
stages of distress — could be a subtle dig at Mrs. McCartney.

The latest polls reveal that Ono is also receiving a hefty
share of the blame for the trouble in Iraq, the immigration
problem and rising gas prices. The growing anti-Ono ire is
good news for the Bush administration, which announced it
has evidence linking the notorious band-wrecker to the attacks
of Sept. 11, 2001.

Ono’s approval is nearing its all-time low of 3 percent in
when the Beatles broke up in 1970, thanks to her. She recently
provoked ire in the Muslim world by saying she is "bigger
than Allah."

The
eccentric widow could not be reached for comment because she
is channeling all her karmic energy into her latest project
— a one-woman plastic Ono neo-coed naked Zen minimalist Haiku
mosh pit.

Related story:
Pitt
split: world mourns Brad-Jen apocalypse — Jan.
12, 2005