Hamsters banned from commercial flights

By
John Breneman

The Transportation Security Administration today announced
new airline security restrictions in the wake of the British
plot to blow up planes with soda pop and baby formula. Officials
are also investigating a terror scheme involving hamsters
rigged with explosives and an Islamofascist gecko.

Passengers will no longer be able to carry on the following
liquids: Nitroglycerin, goat milk, chicken soup, barrels of
crude oil, urine samples, Chateau Lafite Rothschild, moist
towelettes and triple lo-fat mocha latte frappuccino. Other
banned liquids include Newman’s Own Islamic Vinaigrette Dressing
and excess saliva or perspiration.

Also prohibited from the passenger compartment: Pez
dispensers, toy assault rifles, cellular and rotary
phones, Match-Lite charcoal briquettes, canned goods, frozen
steaks, stink bombs, pinking shears, kilos of cocaine, Ninja
death stars and most hand grenades.

Also: Acetylene torches, PVC tubing, night-vision goggles,
deep-sea diving apparatus, fake passports, cucumbers
wrapped in tin foil, Ronco bottle and jar cutters,
moth balls, Preparation
H, subversive literature, acorns, pointy
sticks, hollow chocolate Easter
bunnies, Hummel figurines, Elmer’s glue and Mel
Gibson.

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