Media bloviators suck wind on Election
Night

Bill O’Reilly VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) — Your image as a bombastic crusader for morality may be harmed by an underling who rejects your crude romantic advances. Don’t let sexual misconduct and blatant hypocrisy dissuade you from spouting phony platitudes about family values. A substantial cash payoff should convince her to shut up.

By Lars Trodson

The results are in and it’s true: The old, white media bloviators
on the networks have served more time on TV than the oldest
member of the ancient Soviet Politburo, where it was patriotic
to die in office just after passing one’s 90th birthday.

As the election night dragged on, the white, white-haired
pundits wheezed and huffed through their arid analyses, all
of them puffing out of their suits like so many blow-dried
penguins.

Larry King looked so tired as he tried to figure out what
Wolf Blitzer was saying he had to prop his head up by resting
his chin on his hand.

MSNBC’s Chris Matthews set a record for describing each new
non-event as "interesting." "This is so interesting,"
Matthews told his audience 1,042 times, one time for each
viewer, apparently.

CNN’s Jeff Greenfield, who had obviously been listening to
Joe Scarborough on MSNBC, sleepwalked through his analysis
and looked a bit ashen. Blitzer, in a moment of confusion,
gave electoral college votes to "President Kerry."
As cadaverous as Fox’s Brit Hume looked, he still looked better
than the Gollum-like Carl Cameron.

The only fun of the night: the dagger-like stares emitting
from Andrea Mitchell’s eyes every time Scarborough interrupted
her to offer another pearl of wisdom on MSNBC. The only problem
for Mitchell was that Scarborough, as annoying as he is, was
right most of the time.

And where was the ubiquitous Howard Fineman? Obviously blowdrying
his beautiful copper-colored hair and rethinking his plans
to join a Kerry admin. Maybe he can call the White House and
convince the Bushies he wasn’t THAT much of a Kerry sycophant.