Have a Jalapeno Coke and a smile
The makers of Coca-Cola report that Vanilla Coke has become
so popular they are now working on other new flavors of the
world's most popular soft drink.
"Three out of four hard-core soda junkies say they enjoy Vanilla
Coke," said Coca-Cola spokesman Marlin Fizzwater, adding, "Consumers
will be happy to know that Vanilla Coke has 10% more potassium benzoate
and a pinch more phosphoric acid than the other leading brand."
insiders report that if sales of Vanilla Coke continue to be brisk,
the company, which introduced Cherry Coke in 1985, will move forward
with plans to launch a Chocolate Coke and a decadently carbonated
Also in the works are a trendy Coca-Colatté; a zesty, five-alarm
Jalapeno Coke and a briny, pickle-flavored soda called Vlassic Coke.
Still in the research-and-development stage are: Garlic Coke, Diet
Lima Bean Coke and Genuine Maine Lobster Coke.
Coca-Cola, invented in 1886 by Dr. John Stith Pemberton of Atlanta,
was first marketed as a "brain and nerve tonic." Its popularity
grew throughout the 20th century with such colorful marketing slogans
as "The Pause That Refreshes" (1929), "It's the Real
Thing" (1970) and "Things Go Better With the World's Favorite
Multinational Beverage Conglomerate" (2001).
One of Vanilla Coke's selling points is its nostalgic appeal as
it harks back to the drugstore soda fountains of decades gone by.
The lure of nostalgia also has high-level Coke pushers thinking
about reintroducing one of the beverage's original ingredients --
cocaine -- in a controversial new inner-city soda called Crack!
However, Coke officials reportedly have scrapped plans for at least
two new beverages: 97% of test subjects succumbed to severe gastric
discomfort after consuming Coke-e.Coli, and soft drink researchers
in Central Africa reported few survivors in taste tests of Ebola-Cola.
Meanwhile, longtime cola drinkers are bubbling with excitement over
the next wave of Coca-Cola and Coke byproducts.
"Personally, I can hardly wait for them to come out with that
new Nacho Cheese-Flavored Coke everybody's been talking about,"
said Joe Sixpack, 24, of Aspartame, Oregon. "I'm Coke man.
I'd pay good money for any flavor they put out -- Tuna Coke, Asparagus
Coke, Pineapple Upside-Down Coke -- you name it. I've been hooked
ever since I popped my first Cherry Coke back in '87."
The soft drink maker, which is also said to be tinkering with an
all-natural Tofu Coke, has long touted the soft drink's therapeutic
"The health benefits of guzzling 2-liter jugs of Coke are
well-documented," said Dr. Pepper, a pop culture specialist
with the Sprite Foundation.
Coca-Cola shareholders, he said, are also very excited about a
new Coke formula that burns unsightly fat cells, relieves stress
and makes you forget that you are paying a buck for a couple mouthfuls
of brown carbonated water that costs less than one-tenth of a penny
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