Humor Gazette Archive
rule out military force
By John Breneman
(Nov. 4, 2003) With his poll numbers slipping, President
Bush said today he would not rule out using military force
if he feels any of the Democratic candidates poses a significant
threat to U.S. interests.
The president said he
has evidence that retired Gen. Wesley Clark and other
Democratic contenders may be stockpiling chemical and
biological weapons in their campaign warchests.
WARNING, next page
White House janitor pens tell-all book
By John Breneman
Longtime White House janitor Dusty Flores has written a new
book with shocking "inside dirt" about the goings-on
at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
Flores, fired in a December 2002 shakeup of the White House
custodial team, said he wrote the book to call attention to
the fact that President Bush is "kind of a numbskull
who gets crumbs all over his desk."
The man formerly in charge of emptying the circular file
at the Oval Office said he could no longer remain silent about
President Bush's habit of soiling sensitive documents with
bright orange Doritos residue. Or the president's incessant
humming and doodling during sessions with his top-level advisers.
"Now I'm no brain scientist," said Flores, "but
during these Cabinet meetings Bush would just sit there grinning
like a monkey, munching a box of Animal Crackers. The only
questions he'd ask would be like: 'What's a deficit?' and
'When can I wear the Top Gun suit again?'"
In an interview with "60 Minutes" set to air on
Sunday, Flores told Andy Rooney that when the president was
called upon to make a difficult decision, he would often disappear
into the bathroom with the Sports page and not come out for
Flores said "national security" prevents him from
revealing much more about the outcome of these private deliberations,
"but let's just say I kept a lot of Glade lemon-scented
air fresheners handy."
The book also airs dirty laundry about overnight guests in
the Lincoln Bedroom, including which ones swiped the scented
soaps and monogrammed towels.
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