All the news that's fit to abuse, desecrate, adulterate, skew, twist, embellish, warp, humorize, fictionalize, satirize ... and print.

Humor Gazette Archive

President won't
rule out military force
vs. Democrats

By John Breneman

(Nov. 4, 2003)    With his poll numbers slipping, President Bush said today he would not rule out using military force if he feels any of the Democratic candidates poses a significant threat to U.S. interests.

The president said he has evidence that retired Gen. Wesley Clark and other Democratic contenders may be stockpiling chemical and biological weapons in their campaign warchests.

See WARNING, next page

White House janitor pens tell-all book

By John Breneman

Longtime White House janitor Dusty Flores has written a new book with shocking "inside dirt" about the goings-on at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

Flores, fired in a December 2002 shakeup of the White House custodial team, said he wrote the book to call attention to the fact that President Bush is "kind of a numbskull who gets crumbs all over his desk."

The man formerly in charge of emptying the circular file at the Oval Office said he could no longer remain silent about President Bush's habit of soiling sensitive documents with bright orange Doritos residue. Or the president's incessant humming and doodling during sessions with his top-level advisers.

"Now I'm no brain scientist," said Flores, "but during these Cabinet meetings Bush would just sit there grinning like a monkey, munching a box of Animal Crackers. The only questions he'd ask would be like: 'What's a deficit?' and 'When can I wear the Top Gun suit again?'"

In an interview with "60 Minutes" set to air on Sunday, Flores told Andy Rooney that when the president was called upon to make a difficult decision, he would often disappear into the bathroom with the Sports page and not come out for 30-40 minutes.

Flores said "national security" prevents him from revealing much more about the outcome of these private deliberations, "but let's just say I kept a lot of Glade lemon-scented air fresheners handy."

The book also airs dirty laundry about overnight guests in the Lincoln Bedroom, including which ones swiped the scented soaps and monogrammed towels.


Back to PAGE ONE

Contact the Humor Gazette: