pens tell-all book
WASHINGTON -- Longtime White House janitor Dusty
Flores has written a new book with shocking "inside dirt"
about the goings-on at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
Flores, fired in a December 2002 shakeup of
the White House custodial team, said he wrote the book to
call attention to the fact that President Bush is "kind
of a numbskull who gets crumbs all over his desk."
The man formerly in charge of emptying the circular
file at the Oval Office said he could no longer remain silent
about President Bush's habit of soiling sensitive documents
with bright orange Doritos residue. Or the president's incessant
humming and doodling during sessions with his top-level advisers.
thanks Axis of Evil
And the winner for Best Actor in a Geopolitical
George W. Bush in "Master and Commander:
The Middle East Side of the World."
Bush, following in the tradition of the legendary
Republican thespian Ronald Reagan, beat out Donald Rumsfeld,
nominated for his portrayal of a bellicose Cabinet official
who refuses to let international objections and shaky intelligence
stop him from waging war in "Pirates of the Mediterranean:
Curse of the Black Oil." OSCAR
calls Bush gang a 'lying posse of thugs'
Kerry has refused to apologize for calling the Bush Administration
"the most crooked
lying group I've ever seen."
Kerry did clarify his remarks, however, saying he was not referring
to the president himself, but rather "his posse of attack-machine
thugs and corrupt, economy-pillaging advisers."
Bush campaign chairman Marc Racicot called Kerry's
conduct "unbecoming of a candidate for the presidency,"
then added, "Just because the president accidentally fibbed
about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq doesn't mean it's OK to
go around calling him a lying sack of Shiite." KERRY
W. in Outer Space
White House speechwriter who helped President Bush craft his
vision for rededicating America to space exploration said
today he is ecstatic the president took his advice not to
deliver the address wearing a NASA flightsuit and astronaut
Bush on Wednesday outlined a plan to build a
permanent outpost on the lunar surface and to use it as a
base for manned expeditions to Mars. The speech writer, who
claims he also persuaded Bush not to joke that he is "itching
to explore Uranus," offered some insight into what prompted
the president's sudden interest in outer space. SPACE
Crash-test dummies endorse Nader
Nader's controversial quest for the presidency received a
major boost today as the nation's crash-test dummies pledged
their silent support.
Nader, best known in political circles for helping
George W. Bush reach the White House in the 2000 election,
rose to prominence in the mid-1960s when his book "Unsafe
at Any Speed" led to new automobile safety laws.
"This president is a friggin' lemon,"
said Nader, invoking the terminology that made him almost
as much of a pariah in the automobile industry as he is now
among Democrats who believe his candidacy will help Bush gain
House smear campaign
targets Humor Gazette
The Bush administration moved to silence yet
another of its vocal critics today, mounting a smear campaign
against the Humor Gazette, the influential satire newspaper
that poked fun at the president's ill-advised
deployment of a comic bomb.
Donald Rumsfeld denounced the Gazette as a "subversive
left-wing laugh rag" whose editor is merely trying to
drum up publicity for his new book, "George W. Bush:
Behind the Smirk." SMEAR CAMPAIGN
Writer admits fabricating
The Humor Gazette today accepted the resignation
of star reporter Arturo Dimanche after it was revealed the
five-time Pultzer Prize nominee fabricated his most sensational
fake news exclusives.
The revelation casts doubt on Dimanche's report
that Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas flashed the Republicans
an "OK" sign before voting with the 5-4 majority
to give George W. Bush the 2000 election. Also now under suspicion,
his ominous August 2001 interview with Osama bin Laden's former
war on enviroment
President George W. Bush marked Earth Day on
Monday by declaring a national "War on Environmentalism."
Bush warned that the nation's petroleum-based economy is threatened
by underground cells of environmentalists who actually oppose
drilling for oil in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge.
"We're gonna smoke 'em out of their L.L.
Bean tents and get 'em running," Bush said of environmentalists,
adding that their leaders will be taken "dead or alive."
Bush threatens to use force
(Nov. 4, 2003) WASHINGTON -- With his poll numbers
slipping, President Bush said today he would not rule out
using military force if he feels any of the Democratic candidates
poses a significant threat to U.S. interests.
The president said he has evidence that retired
Gen. Wesley Clark and other Democratic contenders may be stockpiling
chemical and biological weapons in their campaign warchests.
Further, Bush said, the British government has documents that
show Sen. John Kerry attempted to purchase uranium "yellow
cake" from Niger. DEMOCRATS
Bush vows to
stop 'Yankee madman'
his brazen acquisition of the most powerful weapon in all
of baseball, President Bush today called New York Yankees
dictator George Steinbrenner an "imminent threat"
to America's national pastime. Bush said the only way to deal
with Steinbrenner, who shocked the nation this weekend by
adding Alex Rodriguez to his already devastating arsenal,
is to "take him out."
"Make no mistake, the Yankee madman now
has the capability to wipe out the hopes and dreams of entire
cities," said Bush, adding that a pre-emptive military
strike may be the only way to topple the Steinbrenner regime.
Jabbar, Ali take charge in
United Nations has assembled a blue-ribbon task force to rebuild
bullet-riddled Afghanistan and there is encouraging fake news
on the diplomatic front. U.N. envoys have agreed to a transitional
post-Taliban administration headed by Muhammad Ali
and Kareem Abdul Jabbar.
The delegates also have hammered out a plan
to establish a new Islamocratic form of government composed
of a democratically elected Senate and House of Mullahs. In
business news, Chrysler has announced plans for a string of
dealerships run by the popular Afghani car salesman "Crazy
Al" Qaeda. AFGHANISTAN
for citizens to exercise
(June 25, 2002) WASHINGTON -- Warning
that America has turned into a nation of "flabby lard-asses,"
President George W. Bush unveiled a national fitness initiative
on Saturday after leading White House staffers through a grueling
"Abs of Steel" video workout.
An estimated 60 percent of U.S. adults are overweight,
said the president, who challenged Americans to get 30 minutes
of exercise each day, whether it's running, walking the dog
or just spanking the monkey. EXERCISE
Bush cloned by
Dr. Gene Meddler
(Dec. 3, 2001) Scientists at the University
of South Berwick announced today they have successfully cloned
a multi-cell organism that bears a striking resemblance to
President George W. Bush. The president sharply criticized
the scientific breakthrough as "morally wrong."
But the Bush clone (dubbed W2) believes just as strongly that
human cloning is "morally right." This according
to its creator, Dr. Gene Meddler.
These startling imaginary developments come
just days after a Worcester, Mass., company announced for
real that it had become the first to clone a human embryo.
Wile E. Coyote
joins war on terror
bin Laden narrowly eluded capture by an elite Special Forces
unit led by Wile E. Coyote, according to an exclusive TV Guide
story by investigative reporter Clark Kent.
Agent Coyote used an Acme jetpack to catch up
to the speedy bin Laden on a rock-strewn dirt road in Afghanistan,
but the mission was aborted when the relentless Coyote accidentally
flattened himself with a 20-ton anvil meant to crush the elusive
terrorist. Pentagon sources confirm that Mr. Coyote is one
of several animated agents who have volunteered to help fight
for truth, justice and the American way. WILE
eyed for Cabinet post
Striving to bring together the divided nation,
President George W. Bush is eyeing a universally respected
figure for a key Cabinet post. According to completely fabricated
reports, the one and only Santa Claus has engaged in preliminary
discussions about a possible top job in the Bush administration.
Mr. Claus, a beloved mythical figure known primarily
for his efficient worldwide distribution of Christmas cheer,
has no prior political experience. Nevertheless, he is considered
a strong choice due to his extraordinarily high "favorability
rating." And though he is famous for hauling around a
gigantic sack, he is believed to be virtually free of political
Old Man Bush beats
son in sports
KENNEBUNKPORT, Maine - The stock market dropped
sharply yesterday when investors learned that President George
W. Bush was a little depressed after his weekend trip to the
majestic oceanfront Bush estate.
According to an inside source at the family
compound in Kennebunkport, George W. celebrated his 56th birthday
getting beaten at everything from badminton to bocce by his
gloating father, the original President George Bush.
"The president's ego really took a thrashing.
Frankly, I'm concerned about potential foreign policy implications,"
said Herb W. Bush, a local shrimp peddler who claims to be
the president's "fourth or fifth cousin twice removed."
to boost approval rating
Convinced that TV can reverse his sagging approval
rating, President Bush's handlers have arranged for Sunday's
unusual appearance on "Meet the Press" to be followed
this Thursday by a surprise cameo on "Friends."
Eager to help the amiable chief executive, Ross
uses his scientific knowledge to offer theories on what became
of the weapons of mass destruction while Chandler quips that
Saddam Hussein either flushed them down the toilet during
a U.S. raid or "his dog ate them."
Bush's approval mark dipped to 48 percent this
week as more people realized they don't appreciate it when
their president tells them something as "fact" (Iraq's
possession of weapons) that is actually a "load of crap."