 U.S.
at risk of attack by giant pterodactyl
By
John Breneman
The U.S. has received credible "chatter"
that al-Qaida may or may not try to attack the U.S. within
the next 12 to 1,200 days, perhaps using a plane, a train,
acid rain … or worse, a giant man-eating pterodactyl.
Justice Department wacko John Ashcroft said
he has obtained documents showing that Osama bin Laden may
have manufactured a genetically engineered Super Terror-Dactyl
using prehistoric DNA from Nigeria. Ashcroft denied he was
making up the pterodactyl alert to distract Americans from
President Bush's inept handling of the war and his trouble
using words to communicate. He declined to reveal the source
of his information but said it definitely was not Ahmad Chalabi.
Possible targets may or may not include the
Northeast, the West Coast, the South or the Midwest. Also
at risk, said Ashcroft, is the town of Freedom, Wisconsin,
"because the terrorists hate freedom."
Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge, who spends 8-12 hours
a day deciding whether or not to keep the terror alert level
at Yellow, said each pterodactyl warning must be evaluated
individually and would not automatically result in naming
a new terror color for people to be confused about.
When pressed, Ridge said he would definitely raise the threat
level to Orange if the pterodactyl was breathing fire, and
even Red if the beast was passing mustard gas.
Ridge said Americans should be 10-12% more vigilant, but
added it is important to go about our daily lives in a guardedly
carefree fashion. He said anyone uncertain about how to react
to this new threat can call for a free pamphlet entitled "12
Ways to Not Get Blown Up By a Freedom-Hating Islamic Militant
Douchebag."
Families can help children understand the threat of terrorism
using Homeland Security-approved games like "Cops and
Suicide Bombers," "Hide and Go Seek Weapons of Mass
Destruction" and "Sy Hersch Sez." Secretary
Ridge asked that anyone who spots a suspicious-looking pterodactyl
call his hotline at 1-800-555-FEAR.
Bush pledges Democracy R Us for Iraq
 By
John Breneman As the clock
tick, tick, ticks toward the June 30 transfer of power to
a pseudo-sovereign Iraq, President Bush laid out a five-point
plan to boost his bum
approval rating. Apart from some creative pronunciation
of those pesky words "Abu
Ghraib," the embattled CEO of Democracy R Us
did not waver from reciting each word that had been written
for him. (Good news about Abu, Bush aims to demolish the notorious
torture house and Halliburton has stepped up to do the job
for just $1.2 billion.)
 Iraq's
conversion to a Halliburton-based economy will be aided by
a transitional Iraqi government comprised of guys who don't
mind having a terrorist bull's eye painted on their headgear.
National elections will come soon enough. But first it is
vital to teach Iraqi politicians how to divert millions into
their campaign war-chests and slime their opponents with negative
ads. Presidential candidates will also need seminars on how
to exploit family connections and use the Supreme Court to
seize power. MORE
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