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All the news that's fit to abuse, desecrate,
adulterate, skew, twist, embellish, warp, humorize, fictionalize,
satirize ... and print.
By John Breneman As the clock tick, tick, ticks toward the June 30 transfer of power to a pseudo-sovereign Iraq, President Bush laid out a five-point plan to boost his bum approval rating. Apart from some creative pronunciation of those pesky words "Abu Ghraib," the embattled CEO of Democracy R Us did not waver from reciting each word that had been written for him. (Good news about Abu, Bush aims to demolish the notorious torture house and Halliburton has stepped up to do the job for just $1.2 billion.) Iraq's conversion to a Halliburton-based economy will be aided by a transitional Iraqi government comprised of guys who don't mind having a terrorist bull's eye painted on their headgear. National elections will come soon enough. But first it is vital to teach Iraqi politicians how to divert millions into their campaign war-chests and slime their opponents with negative ads. Presidential candidates will also need seminars on how to exploit family connections and use the Supreme Court to seize power. The president's speech underscored his recent gibberish tarring people who oppose his war as racists who "don't believe that people whose skin color may not be the same as ours can be free and self-govern." (Too bad he botched his slur by implying that when you speak of skin color in America "ours" equals "white." See complete quote here.) Supporters say Bush's credibility in handling the war is heightened now that he has been wounded in the line of duty. He's not bragging about it, but the president received a Purple Chin after the bicycle he was piloting was brought down by some rogue freedom-hating loose soil. (Undaunted, Bush reportedly leapt up and asked if the crash could be linked in any way to Saddam Hussein.) His battle wounds patched and powdered, President
Bush said, "A free Iraq will always have a friend in
the United States of America." As a bonus, they get a new Big
Brother too. The commander-in-church closed with
his traditional heavenly high note. "May God bless conservative,
heterosexual, pro-life, pro-war America."
President pledges Alarmed by a recent poll in which 75 percent of U.S.
teenagers identified Bush as a snotty British rock 'n' roll band
and Jesus as a shortstop for the Angels, President
Bush today unveiled a faith-based educational initiative
called "No Slacker Left Behind." Bush plans to reinvigorate the teaching of Civics
in the nation's classrooms, having learned that students in the
same survey identified Civics as "those cars made by those
Japanese dudes." Today's young people, he said, are ignorant
about the basics of Democracy and the role of God in American politics. "Some of these children have never even heard
of the Rebelutionary War or the Defecation of Independence,"
said the president. "Why, in my day, the teachers nurtured
our patriotism with stories of the founding fathers -- great men
like Thomas Washington
and George Jefferson."
Asserting that high school students must be taught the obligations of citizenship and God's important role in politics even if it means using corporal punishment, the president pledged $120 million in funding for steel rulers to discipline those who refuse to chant the "Pledge of Allegiance" and said accountability could be measured using oak yardsticks. "These kids today need to learn why it is so
vital that they exercise their right to vote for the pro-life Republican
candidate of their choice," the president continued. "Many
of them do not even realize that their God-given duty to carry a
gun begins in the womb."
With the June 30 deadline for his make-believe transfer of power looming, President Bush today announced he will appoint an "Iraq czar" to help find a taker for that smoking terror-pit of a country. In an unrelated move, Halliburton has announced the creation of a tax-exempt "sovereign entity" division.
Bush-Cheney host secret 9/11 conversation
President Bush invited members of the 9/11 commission over to the White House on Thursday for a fireside chat about the Sept. 11 tragedy. The president, who opposed the creation of the commission, lied that he "looked forward" to meeting with it and refused to answer direct questions about why he insisted Vice President Cheney be at his side, was said to be in rare form, plying the panel with popcorn and Kool-Aid and cracking his best weapons of mass destruction jokes. In contrast to the commission's usual procedure, in which participants testified publicly and under oath, Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney sat on a loveseat in front of the fireplace because they said they wanted the panel to see their "body language," a disturbing subtext of smirks, whispers and Vegas-worthy ventriloquism. The president also clutched a red folder titled "Stuff Dick told me to say." A Humor Gazette wiretap revealed the comedy-loving president needed Cheney there for his straight man as he made a joke out of "executive privilege." The questions were pretty basic: How could you brush off the words "Bin Laden determined to strike in U.S."? Since you're so big on confronting imminent terror threats, do you wish you'd heeded the Jan. 31, 2001, advice of the bipartisan Hart-Rudman panel that you create a Homeland Security Department because a terrorist attack was imminent? Nothing about: How do you guys find the gumption do question a decorated veteran's patriotism when you Iraq war-mongers all ducked the Vietnam war? And nothing about the confluence of conflicted interests and war profiteering. After the questions, there was the usual small talk. The president quipped about having thrown away his National Guard medals, er ribbons. The veep threw in a zinger about Justice Antonin Scalia keeping a loaded duck-hunting rifle under his robe. Then Bush presented official White House Pez dispensers to each of the committee members, said "Hey go easy on me in your report" and sent them on their way. Bush in-your-faced the nation at suppress conference
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