Rummy's damage control
gift pack

By John Breneman

With some critics calling for him to be stripped naked and led out of the Pentagon on a dog leash, Donald Rumsfeld stepped up the campaign to save his skin by announcing a lavish compensation package (including Halliburton stock options and McDonalds gift certificates) for the victims of the Iraqi prisoner abuse scandal.

"It's the right thing to do," the embattled Secretary of State told Congress. Poor guy. He'd never let on, of course, but it's got to bug him the way he botched the planning and execution of the war.

Now this horror show - set in a former Saddam hellhole, starring part-time soldiers not trained to be prison guards and stinking all the way to the top - may yet cost him his job as the president's guy in charge of getting people killed.

The alleged acts at Abu Ghraib have further scarred America's image around the globe. But Rummy's no dummy. He just spun the breakdown in human decency under his command as an opportunity to wow the world with another lesson on how a Democracy deals with evil-doers.

True to his word, Rumsfeld has assembled a generous package designed not only to salve Iraqi humiliation with material compensation but also to symbolize all that is good about America. Some of the items include:

- Self-esteem counseling from Dr. Phil
- Season tickets to the Texas Rangers baseball team
- Basketball lessons from noted Allah enthusiast Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
- Autographed copies of Bob Woodward's best-seller "Plan of Attack"
- Cameos in the next Ben Affleck-Arnold Schwarzenegger film, "The Armagedinator"
- Collectible "Spider-Man" action figures
- Official "I Got Abused at Abu Ghraib and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt" sportswear
- Kodak Max disposable cameras
- Nike Air Jordans (made by skilled Indonesian craftschildren)
- A Mickey Mouse photo-op at Disneyland
- A gas-guzzling Hummer with a "George Bush is a Swell Guy" bumper sticker
- Allah-approved "Mission Accomplished" prayer mats
- "America's Funniest Prison Home Videos" on DVD
- A hand-written half-apology by Rumsfeld himself
- And samples of Levitra and Cialis to help put that spring back in their step

By John Breneman

Alarmed by a recent poll in which 75 percent of U.S. teenagers identified Bush as a snotty British rock 'n' roll band and Jesus as a shortstop for the Angels, President Bush today unveiled a faith-based educational initiative called "No Slacker Left Behind."

Bush plans to reinvigorate the teaching of Civics in the nation's classrooms, having learned that students in the same survey identified Civics as "those cars made by those Japanese dudes." Today's young people, he said, are ignorant about the basics of Democracy and the role of God in American politics.

"Some of these children have never even heard of the Rebelutionary War or the Defecation of Independence," said the president. "Why, in my day, the teachers nurtured our patriotism with stories of the founding fathers -- great men like Thomas Washington and George Jefferson."

Asserting that high school students must be taught the obligations of citizenship and God's important role in politics even if it means using corporal punishment, the president pledged $120 million in funding for steel rulers to discipline those who refuse to chant the "Pledge of Allegiance" and said accountability could be measured using oak yardsticks.

"These kids today need to learn why it is so vital that they exercise their right to vote for the pro-life Republican candidate of their choice," the president continued. "Many of them do not even realize that their God-given duty to carry a gun begins in the womb."

President Bush also suggested that grade-school children could be taught American values using colorful "White House Action Figures" like Ninja Dick Cheney, Rumblin' Rummy Rumsfeld with Kung Fu Grip.

Bush says terrorists are behind Newsweek approval rating poll

By John Breneman

President Bush said today that his record-low 42% approval rating "sends the wrong message to our troops" and accused unpatriotic poll respondents of trying to "weaken our resolve."

Bush would not rule out using the Patriot Act to "smoke out" those who believe he might have made a mistake. In his strongest statement yet about the Newsweek survey, Bush grinned and said, "I doesn't read Newsweek." Secretary of State Donald Rumsfeld agreed, but acknowledged that he sometimes uses the magazine to wipe his butt. The New Yorker, too.

"The actions of these few bad apples do not represent the America that I know," Bush said of his Newsweek naysayers. The trusted advisers who feed him his news have assured him that his approval rating is a robust 91% among right-wing chickenhawks and Halliburton executives.

Bush declined comment on a survey that showed his approval rating has slipped to just 9% among people who don't live in America and a paltry 1% among naked, dog-leashed Iraqi detainees. The president's approval numbers are holding firm at 0% among parents whose soldier-children have been killed in his mistake-free war.

The good news is that Bush's approval rating is 94% among those who believe it was a super idea to bust into Iraq with no concern about alienating the rest of the world, no clue that the welcome parade would be a funeral procession, no idea that it would actually fuel the international terrorist movement and no plan to stabilize this ethnically and religiously complex nation and get the hell out.

Meanwhile, a recent Humor Gazette poll asked readers to evaluate the president in several other key area. The results:

-- Upheaval rating - 98%

-- Funereal rating - 86%

-- Cerebral rating - 81% (among those believe a president shouldn't trouble himself with knowledge and clear-headed analysis)

-- Marsupial rating - 74% (among those who enjoy using Photoshop to paste Bush's head onto the bodies of koalas, wombats and Tasmanian devils)

-- Theatrical rating - 91% (among fans of the "Mission Accomplished" and Thanksgiving turkey photo-ops)

-- Grammatical rating - 93% (among people not troubled by the "Bushisms" found at www.dubyaspeak.com)

-- Surreal rating - 100%

Study shows alcohol
effective against sobriety

By John Breneman

A new report in the prestigious Imaginary Journal of Medicine reveals that alcohol has been proven effective in combating the pain and discomfort of sobriety.

A team of researchers at Dartmouth's renowned Tappa Kegga Dei fraternity discovered that moderate to heavy consumption of alcohol provides fast temporary relief from the mental and emotional anguish caused by a world gone haywire with George W. Bush at the helm.

"The number of Americans suffering heightened stress and right-brain migraines has skyrocketed under the current administration," said Dr. Jack Daniels of the Tennessee Bourbon Institute. "Alcohol, booze in layman's terms, can produce an effect medical professionals call 'taking the edge off' or even induce a euphoric semi-conscious state if desired."

The study reported that medicinal use of alcohol has risen by 40% in the year since the president toasted his war victory with that intoxicating "Mission Accomplished" rotgut.

"Let's face it, things are looking pretty bleak. Hatred of America has exploded. All the president's men had a role in dragging us into a hellhole. Three shots of firewater, administered orally, can make the world a little less horrifying," said Professor Glen Livet of the Foundation for Moonshine Research.

Despite its therapeutic efficacy, alcohol consumed for medicinal or recreational purposes may produce a range of side effects, including but not limited to:

- Nausea
- Moronic behavior
- Involuntary stumbling
- Slurred speech and vocal spasm
- Loss of job
- Loss of wallet
- Loss of driver's license
- Beer belly
- Vietnam hangover
- Increased risk of yelling at the television
- Confusion about how gay weddings "threaten" traditional marriage
- General obnoxiousness
- Genital flacidity
- Heightened use of the term "I love you, man"

Presidential punching bag

By John Breneman

Ever feel like you wanna pop George Bush right in the kisser? Smack that smirk off his face? Slug that smug mug?

You’d never do it for real, of course, but wouldn’t it relieve a world of tension to give President 43 the old 1-2? Land a hard left for his right-wing lunacy?

Well, now you can. At www.bushbops.com. The bell rings and the crowd goes wild. Your mouse becomes a fist and every punch connects. You rock him, sock him with Bush-whacking sound effects.

In this corner … from Crawford, Texas … weighing in at 6-0 190 pounds … wearing a black suit and a Shiite-eating grin … GEORGE! … W! …BUSH!!!

And in this corner … from Main Street, USA … mad as hell at this numbskull and not gonna take it anymore … YOU!

It’s wholesome, harmless fun. Take a couple shots. Biff! Pow! Give him an uppercut for letting us down. Then click-click your mouse/fist for a barrage of blows, as you pound his piehole, his thorax and malignant fib-nose.

A lot of people want to “Beat Bush” these days, some of them literally. So if you really want to get physical you can order the presidential punching bag for $24.95 and hammer the bum below the belt like his henchmen have done to John “Coulda Been a Contender” Kerry.

But wait, there’s more! You can dope slap this dope for bungling us into war. Whack him for whacking taxes on the rich. Smack him for being an evasive, unethical sonofabitch.

Bush hid from the fighting in Vietnam, but he can’t duck you. Hit him with a haymaker for being a WMD wiseacre. Give him an ugly shiner to match the one America now has in the eyes of the world.

No boxing experience necessary. Bring him on!

New poll finds Jacko is wacko

Michael Jackson spent much of the week tweaking his legal team, his entourage and of course his appearance. The embattled pop star said his new "Extreme Patriotic Makeover" is intended to show solidarity with "my fans fighting in the bad and dangerous war."

People mag names top 50 pretty people

Jackson, who pleaded not guilty Friday to 10 counts of "Beat It" with a minor, dumped his attorneys saying he felt more comfortable being represented by "someone with long silky white hair." In other legal developments, Jackson insisted he could not be tried as an adult because he is actually a cosmetically altered, anatomically disturbed little Caucasian boy at heart. He also sought legal advice from Robert Blake and fired five aestheticians from his nose maintenance team.

The famed singer hired a ringmaster to preside over the media circus that follows him everywhere, whether he's moonwalking on a monster Hummer outside the courthouse or juggling Spiderman babies on a hotel balcony. Phineas T. Elephant-Bone is a veteran ringmaster whose clients have included Robert Downey Jr., Pamela Anderson and Tinky Winky.

Jackson also overhauled his entourage after seeking entourage advice from MC Hammer. He dumped the Nation of Islam and renounced his Muslin name (Jiggy al-Jacko) then briefly dabbled in Buddhism before turning Catholic to fully embrace his love of "Jesus juice."

Jackson admitted several family members back into his posse on a probationary basis. Also back in the fold are Macauley Culkin, Emmanuel Lewis and Pee-Wee Herman. Newcomers include Yao-Ming, Mini-Me and an unidentified chimp wearing a Gucci diaper.

Jackson reportedly has been spotted sipping hot chocolate with Diana Ross. Elizabeth Taylor is said to be mulling a photo-op. Gary Coleman is now handling security.

In a recent Humor Gazette poll, 82% of black respondents said Jackson is white and 18% of white respondents said he is black. Public opinion is split over whether Jackson is a sick child molester. But 93% "strongly agree" with the statement: "Something is terribly wrong with the crotch-grabbing former African American known as Michael Jackson, moonwalking that fine line between artistic genius and perverse insanity. Poor Jacko is wacko."

Related stories:
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Jackson denies plastic surgery escape scheme
People magazine's "50 Most Insignificant People"
Parade magazine's "What People Earn"

President tells nation, 'I'm sure something
will pop into my head'

By John Breneman

Make no mistake. Gathering threat. Must not waver. Stay the course.

His Tuesday night press conference was going along just fine. The president had successfully ducked one question about whether he'd made any "errors in judgment" and dodged another about "personal responsibility for September 11th."

He in-your-faced the nation by playing the dunce, twice, when asked clearly and directly why he and the vice president insist on appearing before the 9/11 Commission together instead of individually.

George W. Bush had wisely chosen to field questions from the East Room of the White House instead of from the deck of an aircraft carrier in front of a giant "Mission Accomplished" banner. And when Uncle Dick picked out the evening's attire, the famous military flightsuit was tucked deep in the White House play closet.

President Bush did not waver from his message while he stayed the course. There was no talk of outsourcing the fighting to India if the violence does not abate.

He even answered a question on the minds of many. "Mr. President, who will we be handing the Iraqi government over to on June 30th?"

BUSH (actual words): "We'll find that out soon. That's what Mr. Brahimi is doing. He's figuring out the nature of the entity we'll be handing sovereignty over."

See, Brahimi is on it. He's gonna let us know. No truth to the rumor Cheney plans to sell the strife-torn nation to Halliburton for an undisclosed sum and some quid pro quo to be named later.

Once the entity is identified and order restored it will be safe to implement the president's time-tested economic development strategy -- distribute generous tax breaks to the rich and open the region to exploitation by corporate friends with addresses in the Bahamas.

Some of the questions were kind of tough but stuff kept coming out of his mouth. "Now is the time and Iraq is the place." And the smirk stayed tucked away, at least until it leaked out when he said the oil revenue stream there is "pretty darn significant."

But trouble loomed ahead, a grave and gathering question. Mr. President: "After 9-11, what would your biggest mistake be … and what lessons have learned from it?"

BUSH (actual words): "I wish you'd have given me this written question ahead of time so I could plan for it. John, I'm sure historians will look back and say, gosh, he could've done it better this way or that way. You know, I just -- I'm sure something will pop into my head here in the midst of this press conference, with all the pressure of trying to come up with answer, but it hadn't yet. …"

"I hope -- I don't want to sound like I have made no mistakes. I'm confident I have. I just haven't -- you just put me under the spot here, and maybe I'm not as quick on my feet as I should be in coming up with one."

And don't get him started on those weapons of mass destruction. "They could still be there. They could be hidden, like the 50 tons of mustard gas in a turkey farm," some of Col. Gadhafi's leftovers found in Libya.

Stay the course. Hypothetical linguistic analysis reveals that President Bush favors the word "course" because it subconsciously reminds him of country club living and shooting golf with his dad and that he favors the term "stay the course" because it's stuck in his head from hearing Dana Carvey poke fun at his pop.

"Stay the course" means never having to say you're sorry, never having to answer any question you don't want to.

Stay the course, and you'll probably find those weapons after all. You may even get that parade for the American liberators you promised yourself way back when.

Make no mistake. Gathering threat. Dangerous man. Stay the course?

By John Breneman

With a comic touch as deft as a Baghdad bombing raid, President Bush reduced the side-splitting Iraq weapons of mass destruction fiasco to a punchline.

The Commander-in-Cheek laughed off the world's concern about non-existent WMDs at the 60th annual Radio & Television Correspondents' Association dinner Wednesday night.

War on Iraq
U.S. death toll: hundreds
Cost: untold billions
Bush's standup routine: priceless.

Too bad the families of soldiers killed in Iraq don't get the joke.

If you missed it, President Bush was showing funny pictures and cracking jokes about them when up popped a photo of him looking under a desk. "Those weapons of mass destruction must be somewhere," quipped the White House wagster. "Nope, no weapons over there … Maybe under here."

The bit unwittingly lampooned Bush's cluelessness that his phony weapons bluster for a war that has now claimed hundreds of U.S. lives might not be the best fodder for cornball humor from a leader regarded in much of the world as a malevolent moron.

Sources say Bush is planning followup jokes about some of his other wacky stunts, like tagging the U.S. Constitution with anti-gay grafitti, giving phony $4 billion cost estimates for the $5.5 billion Medicare bill and sporting a flightsuit for his side-splitting "Mission Accomplished" caper.

"Sheer comic genius," raved the respected comedian Carrot Top, who is helping the president build an arsenal of one-liners and witticisms of mass destruction.

John Kerry, after consulting with political humorist Al Franken, issued a statement calling Bush "a big fat idiot."

Related story:
President sends Wile E. Coyote on mission to nab bin Laden