Hate
exercise? Hire an exorcist

By
Dr. Newt Trishon

Today’s topic: How to shed those unwanted pounds of blubber
we all put on during the holidays.

Many noted experts say the secret is diet and exercise.

That’s right, some would have you believe you must limit
the amount of junk (the official nutritional term is "shit")
that you shove into your yawning piehole AND find it within
your lethargic soul to rise up off your lazy ass and engage
in some annoying regimen involving actual physical activity.

Well, fortunately there are plenty of crackpot alternatives.
For example, many people find they just don’t have much of
an appetite for exercise. For these torpid lard-cans, the
answer is simple: Hire an exorcist.

A competent exorcist can be found in the Yellow Pages (under
"Satanic consultants"). For a reasonable fee, the
exorcist will summon the powers of the underworld to literally
"burn those extra pounds away." And, you can eat
as much charred flesh of the dead as you desire.

There are also surgical options to consider, though it is
important to warn you that liposuction is for suckers and
gastric bypass is passé.

Instead, try this revolutionary new method described in the
January edition of the prestigious Imaginary Journal of Medicine.

It’s
called a Staple-Gunectomy.

Simply press the loaded staple gun against your abdomen, fix
your face in a determined grimace, and fire away. Five or
six staples will usually do the trick.

Of course, there are many other valid approaches to "slashing
the old spare tire."
The Humor
Gazette Diet is a proven favorite that has survived
the test of time and litigation.

Editor’s
note: Readers are invited to share diet tips and ideas
for "dumping that extra kiloton" in the Comments
section below.

Related stories:
The
People vs. Ronald McDonald — July 30, 2002

Ronald
McDonald undergoes ‘McMakeover’ — June 10, 2005

Tang,
sweet Tang — July 27, 2005